My mind if all over the place tonight and I'm on the restless side. There's a million things on my mind. And I can't articulate any of them. A line from Finger Eleven's song "Whatever Doesn't Kill Me" springs to mind. It says:
"Don't mistake the silences
There's so much I haven't said
It's not that quiet in my head
But I can't even tell you that"
Yeah. That's how I feel. As a direct result, I've been quieter and introverted and neither is overly normal for me. People are starting to notice. Which I don't like. Because then they ask questions and then I have to plaster on a fake smile and pretend that all is right with my world and so forth. And trust me, faking it is exhausting. It's mentally draining. It's not that any one thing is wrong, it's just that I have a lot of things that I'm thinking about right now. Some good. Some bad. Some are downright insane but they're there for entertainment's sake. I just need to process.
I had a bit of a depressing lunch break today too so that didn't help. Everyone was talking about their plans for the long weekend, since it's Thanksgiving here on Monday. My plans for this weekend....clean my apartment, do laundry and fix my fall wreath so I can hang it on my door. That's. it. Oh and I have to decide if I want to do a roast chicken or a roast beef or a ham for my dinner on Monday. Metro has prime rib on sale this week so that might just be an option. I'm used to going it alone for Thanksgiving. It really is no big deal. I've been doing it for 15 years. And I did get to go home last year and went to the fall fair with my parents, which was awesome. We got slightly sun burnt watching the heavy horse show. How insane is that?
But yes, I'm back on my own this year, which really is fine. Like I said, I'm used to it. I've adapted. Developed my own traditions (which reminds me, I need to pick up some wine....). I just hit a little low today listening to everyone else. I think I was just jealous that they have something to be excited about and I don't. That's all. Do I miss my family? Of course I do. But just because I'm not there with them in person, doesn't mean that they're not with me. Took me several years on my own to figure that one out. I'm glad I did.
I think it's time to give my mind a break. After all, I have french in the morning. I can't begin to tell you how thrilled I am about that one. Le sigh.
Good Night!
Sarah
Horses at the Rockton Fall Fair last year.
