Days 12 and 13: Brighter days and Brownies

I accidentally stayed up way past my bedtime last night and opted to go to bed rather than blogging. I think it was a wise choice.

I took Friday off work. I was worried that it wouldn't seem like a day off but it actually did. Only issue was that I kept thinking it was Saturday instead of Friday. Oops.

Started my day by sleeping in, then had a late breakfast and did two load of laundry. Kristina came over and we went for a walk in the gloriously awesome sunghine, maintaining a good distance. After the walk, it was too nice out to go inside so we sat across the street from my building (a meter a part) and chatted for almost an hour. We talked to an elderly woman who lost her husband in January and she's been dealing with suddenly being alone and now the whole social distancing thing. She decided that going for a walk was a good idea and we told her it was. Yes, I'm alone but I've had years of practice at it. Being alone was very new to her. I think she appreciated having someone to talk to, even just for a few minutes. I'm glad we were able to make her smile and even laugh a bit. I hope we brought a bit of joy to her day.

After Kristina left, I read for a bit and then ordered pizza for dinner as a treat. I've got to say, my bank account is looking a whole lot better since this social disancing thing started. I'm resisted the urge to shop online and I'm only ordering in once or twice a week. And I have enough pizza now to feed me for three days!

A lot of perfomers have been doing live online video steaming performanaces. One of my favourite bands, the Barenaked Ladies, performed one of my favourite songs, Lovers in a Dangerous Time (their version) the other day. It was awesome. Made me smile and think back to a few summers ago when I saw them perform live. It's awesome how music works as a time travel device. You can see the performance here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9DbChOUotfo

The weather wasn't as nice today. It was supposed to be sunny but that never happened. It stayed overcast but it was on the warm side and no rain so that was nice. I spent my morning doing more laundry and baking birthday brownies for Kristina (from scratch!). My apartment still smells like brownies, which is pretty awesome. Her birthday is tomorrow and I know it sucks that we can't all get together and go out to celebrate. Heck, I couldn't even get out to buy her a gift, but I could bake her brownies so that's what I did. I have a stash of birthday cards here so I was at least able to give her a nice card.

I've been going out only once a week, to stock up on groceries. Kristina asked if I wanted to go with her today, so that I could go to different stores that I've been hitting up. The trick was how to do that while keeping our social distance. Being that we both live alone and have both been following the government's call for social isolation, we figured that the risk to each other was minimal. But we still took precausions. Public Health says for those taking a Taxi or an Uber, you should ride in the back seat and keep the window down a bit to ensure fresh air is moving. So that's what we did. Kristina drove and I sat in the back passenger seat. It seemed a little silly at first but we got used to it pretty quickly. We both had hand sanitizer and used it as soon as we got back in the car after shopping. I had lysol wipes in my purse so I gave Kristina one when she stopped at the Costco gas bar to get gas for 59.9 cents a litre! As soon as I got home, I washed my hands and used a wipe to disinfect the tap, door handles, my cane, my keys and my phone. The ritual continues.

Today almost felt like a normal day. Except for the riding in the back seat, not being able to go out and eat and not being able to give my friend a birthday hug part. And now I'm re-stocked and will stay away from the stores for another week, possibly longer. All depends on how long my milk lasts.

I've got to give credit to all the people working in grocery stores. We stopped at two different stores for groceries. Both places had people spraying the carts and wiping them down for us. Both stores had tape on the floor near the cashes to help with social distancing. Both were wiping down the cash area after each person. Both places had plexiglass to protect the cashiers. I have to wonder if this will become a new norm gong forward. I can totally see the plexiglass being left up at the cashes. Kind of makes sense really. And I didn't feel like it took away anything from the interaction or made it less "personal". All the employees we encountered were quite cheerful (except one but I'm noing to dwell on the negative) and I thank them for that. We're all stuck in a tough situation and seeing that others are still being cheerful and helpful is heart warming.

Not sure what I'm going to get up to tomorrow, but I do think some folding and putting away of clean laundry is in my furture. We're in for a lot of rain and a possible thunder storm tomorrow. Sounds like a good day to curl up with my book and a nice cup of tea.

"Our greatness has always come from people who expect nothing and take nothing for granted - folks who work hard for what they have, then reach back and help others after them." - Michelle Obama

Day 11 - Dead mouse, thunder and a Happy Birthday

If it wasn't for the fact that I've been numbering my blogs to match the number of days that I've been doing the whole "work from home", "social isolation" and "social distancing" thing, I'd have no idea how long I'd have been at home. It's been nine work days.

It was a grey, rainy, dull kind of day. Work was quiet. I did chat online with a few co-workers and we were able to review some documents via email so on the whole things are working well and we're saving trees in the process.

The rain cooperated and let up in time for me to go for a walk at lunch, without getting wet or having to take my umbrella. On the way out of my driveway, I saw a dead mouse. Thankfully, it wasn't a real mouse. I truly had to do a double take. The cardinals were very vocal again today which is beautiful to hear. But so were the crows. Not sure what had them all riled up. I kept looking to see if there was a hawk or something larger in the area but I didn't see anything. Just a couple Vs of geese returning home for the season.

The "dead mouse" I found at the end of the driveway

My walk and I are a bit funny. Thanks to my knee, every single step I take hurts. It's mostly a dull ache or throb unless I step funny or am not paying attention and twist suddenly, then it's a very sharp pain. When I first start walking, everything from my waist down hurts. My lower backs, hips, knees, legs...feet were ok today. But I keep moving, because I know, it will all loosen up. Sure enough, by the time I've hit the halfway mark and I'm on my way back home, all the pains are gone, except the injured knee and today my lower back wouldn't stop for some reason. My head feels clearer, my sinuses are clearer, my breath feels stronger and I feel more energetic. All of the positives out weigh the pain from my knee. I don't forget it's there, but enjoying my time outside helps me focus on something besides it.

This afternoon we were graced with a single roll of thunder. Apparenlty there was some lightening too but my back is to the window so I didn't see it. Sure heard the thunder though. It was one of those good ones that you can hear rolling across the sky.  Guess there was a single storm cloud passing by. Thunder storms are one of my favourite things. Nature can be really cool sometimes.

Today is my niece's 8th birthday. I do feel bad for her that she didn't get to have a party and see all of her friends but she didn't see bummed out about that. She was more excited about the fact that she got an ice cream cake for her birthday and got to have it for lunch. The simple joys of an 8 year old. We did a puzzle together over video chat, which was as difficult as it sounds. LOL. We got it though! She's a pretty fun kid with a very incredible imagination. I hope she never loses it. I'm sure it will serve her well later in life. It amuses me that she's inherited the stubborn streak that runs in my family. My brother is going to have fun with that when she's older. It was nice to be able to see and talk to her.

Had a quick video chat with my parents too. They had a rather large bunny in their yard this afternoon/evening. They've been throwing leftover veggies and fruit out into their garden so that might explain the size of the rabbit.

I have tomorrow off. Not sure what I'm going to do other than attempt to sleep in. I'm sure I can find something to keep myself occupied. I don't need geoceries yet so I most likely will not venture out to the store, though a Bulk Barn run out we nice. It's not necessary though so I'm not sure if I'll attempt it or not.

I definately feel better today. I'm hoping for some sunshine tomorrow to help keep my spirits up.

"I think, at a child's birth, if a mother could ask a fairy godmother to endow it with the most useful gift, that gift should be curiosity." - Eleanor Roosevelt

Day 10 - Jujubes and the first robin of spring

Ten days down. No one knows how many to go or if someone does, they sure aren't saying.

Work was pretty quiet today though I did have a small research project to do this morning and managed to get it done. m

The weather cooperated and warmed up today and we even saw the sun for a bit. Kristina stopped by over the lunch hour so I had a walking buddy today. We saw a male cardinal and heard a couple cardinals signing away. On the way back, we saw a cat on one of the pathways. At first we thought the man in front of the cat was walking it but no, the cat was just following him. It eventaully lost interest and came back up onto the same path we were on. When we got to the end of the path, there was a very vocal and pissed off squirrel in one of the trees. I suspect that the cat was the reason for its displeasure. That's also where I saw my first robin of the spring! I've heard them a coupel of different evenings over the last week or so but haven't been able to see one. Until today. I'm rather pleased abot that. It was in a bush when I first saw it and then it hopped down and was flipping leaves over, looking for worms and bugs. It was funny to watch. It was nice to get out and stretch my legs, get fresh air into my lungs and speak to a human in person!

My eagle eyes spotted him hopping in the bushes!

Before all that, I attempted to use the video call feature on Facebook to chat with my mom. Took three tries but we got it!!! Apparently the call kept ringing on my dad's tablet and my mom was going to throw it out the window to make it stop. LOL. It was nice seeing them though my mom was mean and showed me the big bag of jujubes that she's been holding onto for me. I'll hopefully see them both in person soon and can finally collect my jujubes.

I spent a lot of my free time today reading. I was really getting close to the end of my book and I wanted to finish it. I'm reading the Outlander series. I had started by watching the TV show but once I was told that the books were better, I switched to the books. Halfway through the second book, I caught up to where I left off with the TV show. Now I can finish watching the second season of the show! I also have to start reading the third book to see when and where Claire and Jamie reunite!!!!

All in all, today was a much better day. Last night's blog was cathartic I think and getting some of my thoughts out of my head made me feel lighter. I slept a little better too. Tomorrow is my Friday as I had one "use it or lose it" leave day left so I decided to use it. No friggin' clue what I'm going to do with my day since I can't really do much. Perhaps I'll go on a grocery run. The weather's supposed to be nice so a walk is definately in order. Maybe I'll bake something. Who knows. I'll figure something out.

“I will find you," he whispered in my ear. "I promise. If I must endure two hundred years of purgatory, two hundred years without you - then that is my punishment, which I have earned for my crimes. For I have lied, and killed, and stolen; betrayed and broken trust. But there is the one thing that shall lie in the balance. When I shall stand before God, I shall have one thing to say, to weigh against the rest."

His voice dropped, nearly to a whisper, and his arms tightened around me.

Lord, ye gave me a rare woman, and God! I loved her well.” ― Diana Gabaldon, Dragonfly in Amber

Days 7,8 and 9 - Three for the price of one

I didn't blog last night or the night before. I was too tired and quite frankly, feeling too depressed to bother.

Sunday was the worst day yet. I had no desire to do anything. I didn't even feel like eating (which has it's pros and cons for me). Nothing would hold my interest. I tried watching movies and would lose inerest afer five minutes. Tried reading and would lose interest after a page or two. The highlight of my day was feed peanuts to a squirrel while I sat on my balcony. I'd toss one down to it. It would run into the tree and sit on branch and eat the peanut and then come back down the tree looking for more. It was really cute.

Yesterday I was back at work...from my home office (aka, kitchen table). It was a busy enough day and it kept me occupied.

I was taken to remark yesterday afternoon, that I was surprised by which one of my demons has decided to surface during this time of uncertainty. If someone had asked me to bet on which one would come out to play, my money would have been on my anxiety. Given all the unknows and such, I should be anxious as hell right now, but I'm not. I'm actually quite calm. I think my brain has decided that the situation is what it is, and there's noting we can do to change it, so just sitting back and relaxing is the way to go. I've got food, I've got cleaning supplies (even if my Windex was hiding on my today), I've got toilet paper. I'm ok. So my anxiety is staying at bay. It's my depression that's hanging around. Normally, this time of year, my "winter blues" (seasonal depression) is waning. I feel better and happier. More energetic. But not this time. Not right now.

I think part of the issue is that I'm actually grieving. While no one died, I did suffer a couple of losses thanks to Covid. I didn't get to visit with my parents (whom I haven't seen since late December) and my knee didn't get fixed. Which has a spiraling effect. I was looking foward to being about to get out and walk again, enjoy the warmer spring temps. I was stating to look ahead to the summer and try to decide where I want to go for holidays, who I wanted to visit. That's all gone now.  There's no point in me travelling anywhere as I can only walk for about 10 minutes before I need to stop. Literally every step I take is painful. I think I'm still greiving the loss of what was supposed to be a return of my freedome.

I am taking some comfort in the fact that there's a reason for my depression for once. Usually there's no rhyme or reason to it but this time, I think I can pin point a reason or two.  And I know that the Universe isn't picking on me, so this isn't a "why me" situation. But it still sucks. And it still hurts. More importantly, I'll allowed to feel this way. Looks like I need to process the grief in order to feel better rather than hoping that the sunshine will just improve my mood. For the record, the nice weather does help. So does feeding the squirrels.

Today was a better day, largely due to the fact that I didn't actually start working until almost 11am. Our system was down this morning and no one could log in remotely. So I used the time to start clearning my bathroom. I think it was a very good use of my time! I made tacos for dinner tonight since it's #tacotuesday. LOL. I still didn't venture out but I did sit on my balcony, twice today, and enjoyed the sunshine and fresh air. I really does help.

Mmmm, tacos

"We know what we are, but know not what we may be." - William Shakespeare.

Day 6 - Saturday Supply Run

My bread went moldy on Thursday and I only have 1/2L of milk left. I'm almost out of fresh veggies and my baking supplies are low. I was good. I didn't run to the store every time I realized I needed something or ran out of something. I waited until I had a long list of things I needed. So I decided that I'd make the grocery run today.

I had a shower this morning and for the first time all week, I actually blow dried my hair and styled it (I've been letting it air dry and wearing it in a ponytail). I even put on make up for the first time since Monday. I felt pretty much human again.

Since the bank didn't open until 11am, I got to have a lazy morning. It was nice not having to log into my work account. I was worries that the weekend morning would seem much different than my weekday mornings had been but I was pleasantly surprised that it was. So I took my time getting ready to go. I didn't watch the news this morning either. The only news I saw was the news alerts that I'd gotten in my email overnight. I think that helped with my relaxed state this morning. When I did head out the front door of my building, this is what I saw on my front walk:

No friggin' idea what that was all about. It wasn't there yesterday when I went for my at lunch or when I got my dinner delivery around 5:30. Go figure. The sign is the one the cleaners put in our lobby when they've washed the floor. I have no clue where the bricks came from. I'm just happy to see that the small pond that was on the walkway yesterday is now gone.

Riding the bus was odd because they have the priority seating at the front marked off with caution tape. You're supposed to board via the back door but seeing as I'm currenlty walking with a cane, I get to still board by the front. I had to go to the bank first. I made it there just before a big influx of people. I was able to wait inside the branch. Most people arriving after me had to wait in the ATM vestibule (which really defeated the whole social distancing thing). Inside the bank, they have put down greet squares on the floor so that those in line would stay far enough apart. Sadly, in the time I was there, I saw three people ignore/not notice the squares. The branch manager had to ask one woman to back up to the square and not stand so close to the woman in front of her. I was only at the bank to get loonies, so I can do laundry. Being that I haven't been out shopping and most places aren't taking cash anyhow, I haven't been able to get more change. Our machines here take loonies as we're not advanced enough to have the card operated ones.

After the bank, it was back on the bus to the pharmacy (toothbursh) and then to the grocery store.  I was a bit surprised at the number of people in the grocery store.  We all did a pretty good job of avoiding one and other and people were keeping their distance in line. The store appeared to be well stocked again with meat but was still out of TP and cleaning products. They had limit signs up all over though. I did a good stock up, only taking what I need. I think I've got enough to get my through until next weekend, possibly longer if I get creative! I'm going to have to keep an eye on the bread this time and take preventative measures if I think it's staring to go south.

Decided to order in Chinese food for dinner. I used Uber Eats for the first time, since my go to Chinese place is closed for March Break. I discovered a fun new game called "watch the little car go". If you've never used Uber/Uber Eats before, when the driver heads out to get your order, you can see the car on the map moving to the restaurant and then once the driver has your order, you can follow the car on the map, heading for you. It's quite fun actually or I'm just really bored. Could be both.  LOL.

It's been a quiet night. A lot of channel surfing and book reading and flipping between the two. Kind of restless I guess. I can't quite focus on anything. I think I'm going to try to read a bit before bed and give sleeping in a try tomorrow.

"With the new day comes new strength and new thoughts." - Eleanor Roosevelt

Day 5 - Wild Weather, Dogs and Seafood

This day went so differently than I thought it would have gone a week ago. I was supposed to have checked into the hospital at 8 this morning. Somewhere around 9:35am, I should have been leaving surgery, with my knee fixed. I should have spent a groggy afternoon worring about what my parents were doing to my apartment while I was incapasitated. Instead of eating alone while watching the news, I should have been having dinner with my Mom and Dad. Clearly the Universe had different plans. I am sad. I am disappointed. But I have no control over the situation or circumsances that lead to the change in plans. So I have to just let it go and roll with it. My surgery will be rescheduled at some point and I'll get to see my parents again soon. Trust me, if this social distancing thing goes on longer than a few weeks, I'm out of here. I'm running away and am going home!!

Over all, I think today was the best day of the week. Partly because I'm starting to adapt to my new norm and partly because it's normal to feel happy that it's Friday. While my plans for the weekend really aren't all that different than my plans for the week, the major difference is that I don't have to work :)

Given that things were a wee  bit slow on the work front, I decided to make muffins, so that I'd had something yummy for my morning snack. I ended up making Oatmeal-Orange muffins with dried canberries. I gotta say, they're one of the best muffins I've made. I swapped out the sugar and used Splenda instead and they were still awesome. I ate three of them today (not all at the same time!).

Oatmeal Orange Muffins with dried cranberries

Our weather was a strange one. Started the morning off at +2, hit+14 this afternoon and we're currently sitting at -2 (feels like -9 with the windchill), on our way down to -10.  We had rain earlier and now we may see flurries. Welcome to spring in Canada. If you don't like the weather, wait five minutes.

I got out for a walk during the warm but windy part and made it home before it rained. I saw a lot more people today. Probably close to a dozen people plus five dogs and three people on bikes. I watched one guy on a bike almost wipe out on some ice on a pathway. People smiled and said hi. Some even stopped for a moment and chatted, all while keeping a respectable distance.

This evening, I supported a local food truck. They've set up shop in another local business' parking lot and for the first time, are offering delivery! So I got my seafood fix tonight with some tender calamari and flakey battered fish. It was nice. I think I've met my deep fried quota for the week though. LOL.

Fish with veggie chips and calamari fritti

I also only watched the news once today. I watched it for a bit this morning. Other than hearing the top of the hour news update on the radio, that was all I exposed myself to today.

I did a lot of reading this afternoon/evening/night. I'm hooked on the Outlander series. I started with the tv show and then several people told me how awesome the books are so I stopped the show and started in on the books, which are 900-1000 pages long. Anyhow, I'm on book two, Drangonfly in Amber and I finally reached the point in the book where I passed where I stopped watching the tv show. Up to now, I had an idea of what was going to happen. Now I don't, so I got much more engrossed in the book. It's a lovely way to kill time.

Tomorrow should be interesting. I have to leave my nest (aka, my apartment) and I have to go to the bank and to a grocery store. I'd better make a good list, I don't want to have to go out again mid-week. Should be an interesting time.

"Embrace uncertainty. Some of the most beautiful chapters in our lives won't have a title until much later." - Bob Goff

Day 4 - Not as bad but getting bored and Happy Spring!

I'm currently fighting the urge to not attack my neighbour. She's on her balcony, having a phone conversation on speaker phone. I'm inside my apartment. Not only can I hear her, I can hear the person on the phone. What the hell is wrong with people? Do you think you're the only one who lives here? Do you not realize that all nine units on our side of the building can hear you? Geez.

Anyhow, I think today was better. This morning my co-worker and I figured out the video chat feature on the new program that work set everyone up with, so that was awesome. We go to see one and other. At lunch, a friend stopped by on her way home so that we could go for a walk. I met her outside and we went for a nice walk and chatted away. Having some actualy human interaction was great. Plus it was nice to get out in the fresh air again too.  We made sure to follow the social distancing rules, even though I would have loved to have given her a big. We only passed three other people on our walk. Everyone smiled and said hi. We also nearly got run over by two squirrels who were having quite the fight.

The only "spring" filter I could find.

With my boss being back, there were more emails to deal with this afternoon so it was good to have a productive go of it. I finished off my afternoon talking to my Aunt and Uncle who live in Thunder Bay. It was snowing there but not here, so that's a win for me! (Sorry Heather).

I had a disappointing dinner of "taste like frost burn" turkey burgers (didn't end up eating it) and just sat and watched re-runs on tv. I'm tired tonight. I haven't slept well the last couple of nights so I'm hoping I'll make up for that this evening.

I watched significantly less news today too. Maybe that helped as well. It was heartbreaking to see that Italy has surpassed China for most deaths from this virus but it was reassuring to see that no new cases were reported in Wuhan Province, China today.

While trading comments on FB with a friend, I realized what's bothering my the most about all of this. It's the uncertainty. The not knowing where the end is. Once I made the decision to get surgery to fix my knee, I was anxious. The day I got my surgery date, I calmed down. I had something to focus on. My end goal. I knew how many days I had to make it through. And that's what I focused on. It helped to ground me. I no longer have that surgery date and no one can tell us how long it's going to be until things return to the way they were. Until we can go out and be social creatures again. That's the part that's hard for me. No end point to focus on.

So, I've decided to focus on getting through each day. My nightly blog will be my "focus point". Make it through the hours until it's time to blog again and then go to bed.

Tomorrow or Saturday, I need to venture out for supplies. My bread went moldy today :(

Today is also the first day of Spring.  It's not set to arrive officially until 11:50 EDT but it's here. It's also the earliest that Spring has arrived in 124 years. So that's special. As if to understand what's going on, we have a risk of thunderstorms tonight and into tomorrow. And because it's Canada, our temperature is supposed to change 26 degrees beween the daytime high and the overnight low tomorrow. +15 to -11. Fun times. Going to be a wind one!

"In the Spring, I have counted 136 different kinds of weather inside of 24 hours" - Mark Twain

Day 3 - Still Surreal

Day three is almost in the books now.

I had a conference call with my boss and our team. She's in self-isolation since she spent her holidays in the US. It was good to hear their voices. Made me feel connected again.

Before that, I took a walk at lunch. I venture down the 4-5 blocks to a Shopper's Drug Mart. I'd done a pretty decent job on stocking up (reasonably) on essential before the perverbial shit hit the fan but I managed to forget about dish soap. Shopper's had it on sale, so away I went.

I didn't pass anyone else walking. There were two people at a bus stop and another two people in the parking lot. McDonald's was hopping though but then again, it was lunch time. Inside the Shopper's, I only saw three, maybe four other people shopping. I stood well back from the man at the cash ahead of me and paid with debit before heading back home with my dish soap (sadly, they were sold out of my usual brand but I'll make do).

I didn't have any dance breaks today but I did haul my butt into a shower this morning. I didn't really want to but I kept telling myself that I'd feel better afterwards and I did. This is day two without make up for me. I'm getting used to it. Kind of like it. I did have the decency to put on a bra before I headed out at noonhour. I haven't gone completey savage yet.

Clearly having fun with photo filers. Going to try a new one each day!

My co-worker and I had a conversation about our parents today and how both sets don't seem to be taking this whole situation as seriously as they should. They don't seem to be grasping the social distancing thing nor the only go out if you absolutely have to thing. And the news says it's the youngins that aren't listening. Apparenlty the retirees aren't either. I think it might be that we live in a government town, with a large number of federal, provincial and municiple government employees. We also still have a large collection of tech companies, all of whom have decreed that all non-essential staff who can work from home should work from home. Add in the school closures and we've got a ghost town on our hands. My parents live in a city with a lot of manufacturing and factories which are still operating so a lot of people there don't have the option to work from home. Maybe their streets aren't as empty. Maybe their streets aren't as eerie. Maybe they have more peace of mind as there haven't been any confirmed cases of the virus in their town yet. And neither of them understand what it's like to be living completely on your own. If I get sick, there's no one to look after me. So yes, I'm taking this seriously.

Then this evening, I called my parents to check in and remind them about social distancing, which my dad apparently took to heart. A few minutes into the call, my brother tried calling them. Rather than wait until our call wrapped up, my father went into the other room and used his cell to call my brother. I could hear him talking to my brother while I was still chatting with my mom. What the actual fuck? My call to them was less than 20 minutes long. He couldn't wait that long? Nope. A rather hurtful end to the day for me.

Just watched a guilty pleasure (The Masked Singer!!) and read (Dragonfly in Amber - book 2 of the Outlander series) for the rest of the evening.

And that's pretty much it. I'm hoping to sleep better tonight and hoping my body will soon adjust to my new, later wake up time. So far I've been able to resisit the urge to nap before dinner. I hope I can keep it up.

"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along." - Eleanor Roosevelt

Welcome to 2020 and Social Distancing (days 1 and 2)

Hi there.

It's been a while. Almost two years in fact. Thought I'd pop in here, dust things off and get some thughts out of brain.

Given the current state of affairs and the new normal of social distancing, I've decided to resurrect my blog and use it as a means of self care during these uncertain times.

To bring eveyrone up to speed, I'm still in Ottawa. Still gainfully employed. Still single and have been limping since September. I tore my meniscus disk in my right knee on September 14th. Yes, it hurt, yes it still hurts, just not as badly. I was supposed to be having surgery in three days to fix it, but my surgery was cancelled (postponed really) until things with the Covid 19 are cleared up and it's safe to resume non-emergency surgery. Yes, I'm bummbed. I was looking forward to getting back to normal. But what really hurts is that I don't get to see my parents. They were coming up to help me but aren't now that my surgery is cancelled. It's safer for them to stay at home too.

So yesterday was the first real day of the ramped up social distancing thing. We received an email late Sunday night saying that we are to work from home where ever possible. My team and I still went into the office Monday morning, just to get a few things sorted out and to check things out with our Director. I stayed until the early afternoon and then headed home, stopping for some last minute supplies along the way, before logging back into my work accround from home. So yesterday was an alright day. Public Transit was deserted and that seemed really weird as was my office building. Other than that, nothing strange.

I tried to sleep in this morning but my internal clock had me up around my usual time. I guess that will take some getting used to. Logged into work and spent the day working remotely. Again, nothing too out of the ordinary, I've worked from home before.

My parents called this morning to say hi. I got a song played on a local radio stations "Old School Lunch" and I danced around my living room like an idiot. It was great. It was the break I needed at that moment.

(Click here to see what I was dancing to)

I've been deliberately limited my access to the news. It helps keep my anxiety at bay and doesn't overhwhelm me. I'm fortunate too that I have work to focus on and keep me going. LIke i said, today seemed pretty normal.

The surreal part of all of this didn't hitmy until about an hour ago. I was sitting on my couch, watching tv and it dawned on me that I didn't need to go to work tomorrow. Or the next day. Or the next day.....I turned on the national news. They were showing video from countries around the world, showing just how empty popular tourist spots are. The shot of Trafalgar Square in London hit me as I've been there somewhat recently and I remember how packed it was with people and just life in general.

I still can't quite wrap my head around it all. I'm old enough to remember the SARS outbreak and the H1N1 flu and neither were anything like this. Granted, social media wasn't as prolific during SARS so the information wasn't spearding quite as much, but this time around, it's very different.

I sit here wondering how many days it's going to take before the gravity of the situation finally sets in. How many days before this becomes my "normal"?  How long is this going to last? Will the virus spread stop? Will the disease drop off? Will they have a vaccine for us soon?

I really don't know.

All I can do is sit here and hope. Keep the belief that the Universe will look after us. That maybe this is what the world needs to make us start focusing on the really important things again.

Until then, I'm going to read my book(s), spend time on my balcony and dance arond my living room like an idiot several times a day.

Two days down.....

Oh, and Happy St. Patrick's Day! "May you live as long as you want, and never want as long as you live".

...and I'm back. For now.

Hello all you out there in internet land!

I stopped making New Year's Resolutions a few years ago. I decided that just trying to be a better version of myself and a kinder human being wasn't something that I just resolve to do, it should be something that I just do, so I went with it. However, this year I decided that it would be a good idea to start writing again. This is as close as I'm going to get to a New Year's Resolution, so here we go.

I just returned from spending 11 or so days with my parents. I survived and didn't freeze to death. They survived my complaining about how cold their house is, so all is well. I spent half my time wondering if they'd been this crazy all my life and I hadn't noticed until now and spent the other half wondering how I'm going to survive once they're gone. I can't fathom a world that doesn't have them in it. We discovered a British TV show together, called Mrs. Brown's Boys. If you haven't watched it, go do so. Like now. It's on Netflix. I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. Watching my mom and dad laugh was one of the greatest joys I've had in a long time. They seem so much younger when they're laughing. 

I saw my brother for about a nano second. He came through, showed up with my sister in law and two nieces and managed to spend a couple hours with us on Christmas Eve afternoon. That's it. Two hours and a bit. It's the first time my parents have seen him since August (same here for that matter). I think I said all of five words to him. I was too busy spending quality time with my niece and was too worried that I'd strangle him if we were left alone for any length of time. I was able to see my niece again after Christmas and she spent most of the day with us. She's an amusing little so and so and I can't figure out how so much attitude can fit into something so tiny. She is in the "why" phase. When you tell her something, she asks "why". I took that challenge head on. Instead of the standard adult answer of "because I said so", I'd give her an answer. Sometimes it was a legit answers and sometimes I was totally making it up. Either way, she seemed happy and she only called me on a bullshit answer once. 

Other than that, I didn't see much other family. Just my great Aunt and Uncle. They're awesome. They give me duct tape every year for Christmas. I could build a fucking ark with the amount of duct tape I am new in possession of. And every roll is different. My Aunt finds some pretty wicked patterns. I love it. 

My dad nearly broke my heart this morning though. While waiting for a very late train to arrive (no surprise there, the fucker is never on time, even in good weather), he asked me if I wanted to stay longer. When I asked why, he said "I've gotten used to having you around." Just fucking shoot me now. Leaving them after a visit is one of the hardest things I have to do in this life and then my dad says that. It hurt so much. Still does. But I had to go. I had to get back to my life here. I wish I could just hit a pause button and flit back and forth between both worlds whenever I liked but I don't have the science back ground for that. So I shall continue on, living with the guilt I feel of being far away from my parents and family. There are some weeks that I would give up almost anything to be able to go and just have Sunday dinner with them. My dad even BBQ'd steaks in the -20 weather for me (and Mom). Now that's love.

Now I'm back, in my tiny, quiet apartment. It seems even smaller than normal tonight and it feels quite empty tonight as well. I know from experience that that feeling will start to fade over the next few days and things will be back to normal soon, but until then, my heart is going to hurt a little and the silence is going to be a bit louder than usual. 

Alas, I have to return to the real world tomorrow and be an adult. And it all starts with French class at 9am. Le sigh. More on that later.

Good Night!

Sarah

A photo I snapped of Lake Ontario. I took it from the train on my way home today.

Gyms and Whitesnake

Last winter, during my blog hiatus, I had a minor crisis occur in my little world. My gym, quite abruptly, closed.

Ok, I know this sounds like no big deal and in the greater scheme of things, it isn't, but to my little world at the time, it was a huge deal.

I'd been going to the gym for over a year at that point. Which was a pretty big deal for me. I'd finally found a place and a routine that worked for me. Somewhere I was comfortable. But one day in February, I showed up for my after work workout to find a note on the ground floor saying that effective immediately, the place was closed. The poor staff were blind sided too. I was stunned. And very upset. I even cried a little. You see, this wasn't just some gym. It was a life line. Even now, sitting here writing this, it's upsetting me again and I have tears in my eyes.

The exercise was helping to keep my mood in check during the winter, helping me to keep my inner demons in check and securely locked away. I made friends there. I'd see the same people during my work outs and became invested in their lives and their progress. The coaches were our cheerleaders. We laughed together. It wasn't just some gym where you went in, put your head down, did your workout and left. People noticed when I wasn't there. People were genuinely invested in how I was doing and how I was progressing. And just like that, it was all gone. Poof. I actually felt like someone had died. I grieved the loss. And truthfully, I was terrified. I was at a complete loss as to what I was going to do. I couldn't switch to another location because there wasn't one close enough to my home or work to make it viable. I seriously didn't know what I was going to do. Didn't know how I was going to cope.

About a month later, my friend MA convinced me to try an aquafit class at her gym. I've taken one before and I like swimming so I gave it a try. I liked it. So I signed up. For roughly 9 months, I've been going to aquafit. At first it was 3 times a week and then it dropped to twice a week. We did try adding in a floor class to fill up that 3rd day but couldn't find one we liked or were comfortable with. By the end of November, I think I was making it to 1 class a week and as of today, I haven't been to a class since mid-December. I've lost all desire to get in that pool. Part of that is the fact that I don't like standing in -20C weather, with semi wet hair, waiting for a bus after the class. It's a welcome change in the summer but in the winter, it sucks.

Between December 2014 and now, I've managed to gain roughly 25lbs. I've never been bigger in my life than I am right now. This isn't good. It's bad. Very, very bad. I've stopped going places, I've stopped seeing people because I'm embarrassed. Hell, even my 3 year old niece called me out at Christmas (totally adorable "out of the mouths of babes" moment, which I actually laughed at). I'm not comfortable in my own skin at the moment, and that hurts.

Don't get me wrong, I still have self respect and dignity and will put anyone in their place should they dare say anything negative me about my weight but at the same time, I've very aware and conscious of the fact that I'm slowly killing myself.

Today I took a tiny step to try to fix things. Well, actually I took the step last Friday, they just didn't have any spots open until today. All those friggin' New Year's Resolution people taking up the prime spots. Bastards. LOL. Anyhow, I signed up for an orientation session at my new gym. Hell, I've been there for almost a year now so I guess it's high time that I figure out how to use something more than the pool eh?

A personal trainer takes us around the gym and shows us what to use and how to use it. It was an hour long session with 3 of us and the trainer. He gave us a basic and rather simple follow plan. It's doable. 5 minutes of warm up on a cardio machine followed by 4 machines and then 2 strength exercises done on the floor, with 10-20 minutes of cardio to end it off. The trainer recommended that we do the cardio part 5-6 days a week and add the weights in for 3 of the days. I managed not to laugh in his face.  I only had a hard time on one of the machines. I have to give the trainer props here. He looked at me and said that he had an alternate for me as he didn't think this particular machine wouldn't be effective for me. He wrote the other suggestion on my sheet, wrote down the name of a website where I can find a tutorial on how to do it and gave me his card so that I can email him and let him know when I'd be in the gym so he could come and see me and show me how to do it as well. Well then.

I was anxious before the session and I felt a sense of trepidation walking into the gym but I made it through the session and then stayed to do some walking on the treadmill. I then ended up doing a whole boat load more walking while I ran errands and got groceries and I've been hobbling around my apartment all afternoon/evening but that's a whole other story. My previous gym was a women's only thing. And there weren't any mirrors in the gym. This one is co-ed and there are mirrors all over the damn place. This is one of the times/places that I want to be invisible. I'm ok with a trainer watching me but I don't like others being able to do so and I sure as shit don't want to be able to see myself when I'm working out either.

But I guess I'm just going to have to get over that eh? Now I have an entire day ahead of me to psych myself up to attempt this on my own Monday after work. Cue Whitesnake.... :) (bonus points to anyone who gets that reference).

Sigh. This should be interesting........God help me!!

Good Night!

Sarah

"Venus in Front of the Mirror" - Peter Paul Rubens

Happy New Blog

So I guess it's been a while eh? Over a year in fact. 

I'm writing this as a gift to my mother, who repeatedly has told me that she's getting tired of reading the same blog post. Even though so knows that I haven't been writing, she checks my blog every morning. I'm glad to know that I have at least one dedicated reader. 

So 2016 is upon us and I have to say, I'm happy to see it. It's not because 2015 was a bad year, because it wasn't, it's just that I have a gut feeling about 2016 and it's a good gut feeling.

It's off to a good start so far. I spent NYE with my friend MA. We stuffed our faces, watched a movie and toasted with Sparkling fruit juice at Midnight. We're real wild women aren't we? Today I helped her cook a feast fit for royalty and joined her and 3 others for a very wonderful turkey dinner. One of the friends I've met before and I think she's a hoot. The other 2 were people I was meeting for the first time. We all hit it off and had a grand ol' time. Food was enjoyed, stories were shared. Laughter rang out and smiles were abundant. We're not even 24 hours into 2016 and I've already been social and made a couple of new friends. I certainly hope this is a trend that continues into 2016. 

Looking back, 2015 was a pretty good year. I got to spend time with several people who are near and dear to my heart. My last blog was written 4 days after I started a new job. I'm still there! I've settled in and have learnt pretty much everything about how it works. It's still a bit of a work in progress but it is progressing. It's quite far from being my dream job, but it pays the bills and it's serving its purpose as a stepping stone and learning opportunity on my path. 

In May, I headed home for my birthday and had a great (but short) visit with my family. 

June saw a new owner taking over my apartment building. This has been a good thing. They've made some fantastic improvements. I'm still living in the same crappy apartment but it's now a slightly less crappy one thanks to the improvements. My balcony garden was a pretty awesome one this year and I added a new hibiscus plant to my collection. 

I headed East in August to visit on my oldest friend (as in the friend I've known the longest) and we had ourselves a great adventure in PEI and the Moncton area of NB. I went swimming in the Ocean which I haven't done since I was kid, I saw a jellyfish (didn't get stung!) and walked on the Ocean floor in New Brunswick. I got to visit with all her boys and made a friend for life with her cat, even though I'm quite allergic.  I'm pretty sure that I've fallen in love with PEI. This could end up being an expensive obsession.

The end of August/start of September brought me a very welcome visitor from BC. I got a chance to play tour guide once again in my fabulous city and get caught up with one of my favourite people. The first weekend we nearly melted it was so hot. The 2nd weekend, we nearly froze and were quite damp around the edges. LOL. Gotta love Canadian weather.

I got a real treat in October when my parents came to visit me for Thanksgiving. This was a first. They've never been here for Thanksgiving before. It was a great but way to short visit. I even managed to cook a spectacular turkey dinner with all the fixings in my slightly less crappy little apartment. 

I just got back from my Christmas holidays 2 days ago. I had a nice, long visit with my parents. It's funny. No matter how long I'm home, it never feels like it's long enough. Every time I get on the train and I wave good bye are we're pulling away from the station, my heart breaks a little. You'd think I would be used to it by now, but no, I'm not. 2016 marks me having lived away for home for 19 years. That's the same amount of time that I lived at home. And yet I still get crazy excited when I get to see my parents and I get sad and heart broken when I have to leave or they have to leave. Part of the heart break is that I know that they're getting old. I don't want them to get old. The older they get, the closer I get to having to say a final goodbye to them. That's something I can't fathom doing. My humble words can't begin to convey how amazing my parents are or how lucky I am to be their daughter. I honestly have no idea what I'd do without them and I hope and pray that it's a good long time before I have to find out how to do that. 

So, in a nutshell, that was 2015. I'm keeping the faith that 2016 will beat 2015 in awesomeness. I hope I get to spend even more time with those near and dear to me. I hope I get to see even more of my country or even the world. I hope I smile more. And laugh more. Spend more carefree days at the beach or wandering my city. I hope to convert more strangers into friends. I hope to worry less and let more things go. I hope to love myself more and take better care of me. I hope to read more amazing books and watch less television. I hope to hear my soul sing more and hope to keep shorter chains on my demons. I hope to love more. And most of all, I hope to live more in 2016.

Let's do this!

Good Night!!

Sarah

Cavendish Beach, PEI

True Patriot Love

Life is full of little ironies. Like the fact that I'm sitting here, scrolling through Pinterest in search of "healthy" meals while making my way through a small pile of Hallowe'en candy minis and am pouting because I just dropped 2 M&Ms on the floor (you only get like 10 total in a pack!). I think it's time to lay off them though as I'm beginning to feel ill. It's been a rough week and I'm PMSing to boot (explains the Hallowe'en candy, doesn't it?).

I started a new job this week. Change and I are old foes but we're reached a truce over the last few years so the transition into my new place of work wasn't as traumatic as it would have been say, 2 years ago. It was both exciting and frightening at the same time. My new work environment is drastically different than my previous one. For starters, I am now one of the "younger" employees in my office. Previously, I was somewhere in the "middle to older" range. My new office has an 80 year old. In my previous office, I knew the names (and faces) of all 191 staff members. There's something like 178 people in my new office, spread out over 4 floors. As of today, I can recall the names and faces of 10 people and two of them have the same first name so I only have to remember that name once. The bathrooms are much better though. There's actual ventilation in these ones. Not once this week have I walked into the washroom and thought to myself "OMG, what died in here". At my previous place of work, that was almost a daily occurrence. And the people in my new office don't eat lunch together. Almost everyone goes to the food court to buy lunch and then they eat at their desks. I'm a much more social creature than that. My goal for next week is to find a lunch buddy.

I did get to know some of my new co-workers a little better on Wednesday though. My building was put on lock-down until 5:30pm after a fucked-up idiot shot and killed an honour guard and shot and wounded an un-armed guard while running around part of downtown Ottawa and Parliament Hill.  It was a home-grown terror attack. In my city. And all I keep thinking is: "How dare he".

Ottawa has a population of just shy of 900,000 people. Before Wednesday's tragic turn of events, Ottawa only had 4 murders on record for the year. That's it. Take Calgary for example. They have just over 1 million people and have had 24 murders so far this year. A lot of people are under the misconception that Ottawa is a boring city. I think we get a bad wrap because we're a government town and all the cool bands forget about us and are drawn to the flashier cities like Montreal and Toronto. But we are fun. We're a perfect mix of big city and small town. Want to get in some culture? We've got museums and the National Arts Centre. Want sports? We've got NHL, CFL and 3 post-secondary schools with great athletics teams. Want something more small town? We have one of the biggest, permanent Farmer's Markets in the country not to mention dozens and dozens of small towns all within a half hour drive from the downtown core. In my mind, it's a perfect city.

Or it was, until Wednesday. I've lived here for a grand total of 13 years. Wednesday is the very first time I've ever questioned my safety here. It's the very first time I haven't felt safe in my own city. And that is a sickening feeling. When I left work that day, I walked a little faster. I paid more attention to my surroundings and more to the point, I paid a lot more attention to the people around me. The man responsible for carrying out the attack on Ottawa wasn't an immigrant. He wasn't some bitter transplant from another country. He was born here. He was raised here. He was a Canadian. And that upsets me so much more than if it had been someone from some where else. He had the opportunity to grow up in this amazing country. He got to experience what freedom and democracy are. He lived in a country that had great social services and access to things like doctors, dentists, specialists etc... without huge price tags. And yet, somehow, he got it in his head that the Canada that I know and love isn't the amazing country that the rest of us know it is. He decided that he needed to attack it. And that's the part that hurts the most. 

Yes, we're not the global "boy scouts" that we were once known as being. Over the last couple of decades, we've taken on a much more aggressive role on the world's stage than the peacekeeping role we were once known for, but I think we're still a peaceful nation at heart. We all have to stand up for ourselves and stand up for those who can't look after themselves, right? I'm not going to get into whether or not I think our troops should be over dropping missiles on militants on the other side of the world but I am going to say that despite everything that has happened this week, I have never been prouder to be a Canadian.

I was going to have lunch in our food court today, but I decided that the weather was too nice to hide indoors. I also needed the chance to walk around my city again and to be reminded that it is still a safe place to live. My office is on the opposite side of Parliament from where the attack took place, so things are calmer in my area. My walk at lunch was a peaceful one. I enjoyed seeing all the other people out and about, doing the same thing that I was doing: enjoying the nice weather and our collective freedom. 

To the two soldiers that lost their lives this week, Patrice Vincent and Nathan Cirillo - thank you both for your dedication and service to Canada. And to their families - my deepest sympathies and condolences.

It's time for our country to pick itself up, dust ourselves off and show the world that we are still the true north strong and free and that this country is full of millions and millions of people who are very proud to call ourselves Canadian. 

Good Night.

Sarah

Canadian War Memorial in August 2014

                               

All That I Am Thankful For

Today is Thanksgiving so it only seems fitting that I take a moment to look back and reflect on things and thank the universe for the plethora of things that I have to be thankful for. 

I spent Thanksgiving on my own this year, completely by choice. I had several invitations to dine with others or head home but I opted to decline them all. I know what some people might think. Why would I willing opt to spend Thanksgiving alone when some people out there would give anything to not be alone today. Well that's one of the things I'm thankful for - that I have the choice.

Given the stress, anxiety and emotional roller coaster that the past month has been, I needed time to myself to decompress, relax and re-focus. I also wanted to save my remaining holiday days for Christmas. Yes I miss my family terribly and would have loved to have spent the weekend with them, but I fear that I wouldn't have been much fun to be around as I'm kind of stuck inside my own head at the moment. And my decision to stay here saved me from what has been described at "horrible" gravy.

Anyhow, I cleaned and did laundry today and I cooked and baked. I made cookies this morning (thank god I only made 1 dozen because I nearly ate them all) and then I made an apple pie and cooked a Prime Rib roast to perfection. So there are two more things I'm thankful for - that I can afford groceries (granted prime rib is a rarity and only when on sale) and that I know how to cook and bake for myself and that I like to do so. I guess that's 3 things to be thankful for.

I spent some time sitting on my balcony this afternoon (thankful for a warm fall) and watched the chickadees eat sun flower seeds and watched some orange ladybug fly around and climb on the balcony (and me for a bit too). It was very nice to just spend a few moments doing something so simple yet something that made me smile. So I am thankful for the simple pleasures in life.

I texted with a very great friend who lives very far from me for a while this afternoon and heard about the adventures of her day and what the week holds in store for her family. So that made me thankful for the technology to so seamlessly communicate with someone 2 provinces away. And it made me thankful to have someone as wonderful as her in my life. I am thankful that I have a set of friends that let me be myself. Even when I'm at my worst, I know I have a few strong souls to depend upon. And for that I am thankful.

A 3 year, 8 month and 1 day voyage will be coming to an end this week. For all that it's taught me and for all the great people I've met along the way, I am thankful and I am most certainly thankful for the new adventure that lies ahead. I'm hopeful for that one too.

And most importantly of all, I am thankful for my cheering section back in Southern Ontario. My family, especially my parents. It's funny. Some days I think that they don't get me or understand me at all, yet that never seems to stop them from giving me their 100% support and having my back no matter what I decide to do. Not only am I thankful for them, but I'm blessed to have them too. 

Now it's time for me to head to bed. I have a very long short week ahead of me. I need to figure out how to impart 3 years, 8 months and 1 day's worth of knowledge and wisdom onto someone else. And clean off my desk........

Good Night and Happy Thanksgiving!

Sarah

My Mom's fall mums from 2011

Lunar Eclipse and Horoscopes.

I like to read my horoscope every day. Not because I 100% believe it, but to use it as a kind of compass to guide my day. Sometimes it's pretty true to my situation and other days it's completely out in left field. The one that appeared in the local free daily on Monday was so accurate, it gives me chills. It said:

"According to the planets you have reached the end of one particular road and what happens in the run-up to Wednesday’s eclipse will point you in a new direction. After that it’s up to you. What’s holding you back? Absolutely nothing."


Long story short, there was indeed a total lunar eclipse this morning. And I signed a contract for a new job this afternoon, which is taking me down a new road as I'm changing departments all together. The new job is also a permanent one, rather than the term to term one that I'm currently in. It's also a higher level of responsibility (and pay!).

I was offered the job 2 weeks ago - on the new moon. I'll be starting the job 2 days shy of the next new moon so I think that's pretty close.

This has been a long time coming. I applied for it nearly a year ago. Career wise, this is the first move I've made that was 100% intentional. Most of my previous jobs have come along by luck or accident. This was a very deliberate action. I am thrilled. I really am. I'm very excited (and a little nervous) about this next adventure.

It's kind of funny. I'm someone who doesn't really like change. I like to be comfortable and routine is that for me. But it also makes me complacent. Which isn't good. So by actively seeking out change, I actually found it. And am welcoming it. Evening looking forward to it. My inner warrior is happy. So very, very happy.

Makes me wonder what other things I can accomplish if I decide to go for them and invite change into my life.....

Good Night!

Sarah

Pick a path....

New Moon

Tonight is a New Moon. It's the period of the month when the night is the darkest, since the moon isn't there to illuminate the blackness. For those uncomfortable with the dark, this can be a scary and troubling time.

But not for me. I enjoy the energy of a new moon. It's symbolic of new beginnings. It's a good time to set intentions for things you want to achieve. A chance to put new ideas in motion. A chance to ask for forgiveness for past actions. A chance to ask the universe for new things. For power. For strength. For hope.

A new start.

The power of the new moon is alive and well and I'm soaking it all in.

The winds of change are picking up.

Good things are coming.

Stay tuned...........

Sarah

You're Such A Positive Person

It's been a very rough week. And we're only half way through. I haven't been feeling so hot. Last night was really bad and I spent the day in a fog, concentrating very hard on holding it together.

Maybe it's the early cold weather that we've had. Or perhaps is the abundance of alone time I've had of late. Two weekends in a row plans went askew/off the rails and I ended up flying solo, which isn't anything new for me. It just sucks when I actually make plans and start to look forward to some human contact and conversation and then end up on my own anyhow. Or maybe it's the reminder/realization that I really am on my own here. It's just me. I am not a priority in anyone's world, except my own. Maybe one day that will change, and I think I'd really like that, but for now, it's my reality. I'm always the one asking other people to do stuff. I can't recall the last time someone approached me and invited me to do something. Unless you count my new boss. She invited me to do a 5k walk with her at 7am on Sunday. I think she was mostly kidding though as she was trying to find a way out of it. It just really sucks that people mean more to me than I mean to them. Actually, it doesn't suck. It hurts. 

Anyhow, it was a rough day. I didn't sleep well last night. I was late getting up, late getting moving. Got to work and had multiple items thrown at me right of the get go. That part actually helped. It distracted me for a bit. Let me get outside my own head for a while. It was a nice change of scenery. I did go for a walk at lunch and that felt good. The fresh air on my face helped to wake me up a bit more and just being away from the office made my soul feel better for a while. My afternoon was ok until about 3pm when I started having dizzy spells and my head felt tight, like it was in a vice. Brutal. Don't know if was a stress issue, or I'm coming down with something or low blood sugar or pressure. Who knows. All I know is that I felt like crap. All I wanted to do was go home. But some co-workers needed help and I soldiered on.

I was just getting ready to leave work when one of our officers started talking to me and asking for some information. So we got into a discussion. Said officer actually said some very complimentary things to me about my work and hopes for my future, then they said something that almost made me burst out laughing/break down crying. They said "You're such an optimistic person". I'm standing there, feeling like crap. I'm exhausted from holding it together all day, having been on the verge of tears about 6 times that day, cried myself to sleep the night before and they're standing there telling me how optimistic I am.

The Universe really loves throwing stuff like that at me. I found it funny and sad all at the same time. I guess this means I was doing a good job of not letting it show how miserable I was today. I hate feeling like this. But I've been through it enough times now to just sit back and let it get out of my system. Give myself a day to wallow and then slowly pick myself up, dust myself off and start putting one foot in front of the other again.

Tomorrow will be a new day. Hopefully the sun will be out and the black cloud hanging around me will start to sail away. So long as I have hope, I have something going for me.

Now it's time to go and hopefully have a full and restful night's sleep.

Good Night

Sarah

I Think Your Shirt Is Nice

As anyone who's ever worked out at a gym knows, you don't exactly look your best when you finish your workout. Yes, you have that "glow" about you (which is usually sweat) but your face is red, your hair is a mess and is stuck to your face/neck and sometimes you don't smell the best.

My gym outfit changes from week to week. It all depends on the weather and what's clean. This week, it's cotton shorts that come to my knees and a plain jane, dark blue, scoop neck cotton t-shirt. It's actually very comfortable. The shirt is very soft.

Anyhow, I was too tired to bother changing back into my work clothes after the gym today so I opted to go home in my shorts and t-shirt. What do I care? I'm just going to the bus, getting on it and going home. So I get on the bus tonight. It's almost full but there's a seat in the back. I get there and I'm organizing myself and moving my giant backpack out of the way and I notice the guy to my right looking at me. I looked over and he was looking directly at me. He smiled, so I smiled back. I always do that. Doesn't matter who offers me a smile on the bus or on the street, I always smile back. It's the polite thing to do, especially in our digital obsessed work. I dig my iPod out of my purse and I'm playing with it and I look over and the guy is still looking at me. He then pulls the cord and gets up to get off at the next stop.

On his way to the door, he leans over and says to me "I think your shirt is nice." So I just smiled and said "Thank you very much". He got off the bus and I plugged in my iPod and dissolved in my music. He was kind of cute too. LOL.

Here's the fun part - my internal monologue is thinking "you look like hell. Your face is blotchy, your mascara is most likely flaking off  and your outfit isn't flattering at all" but thankfully, confident Sarah over-ruled and simply said "thank you".

I'm actually really bad with accepting compliments. I get thrown off my game when someone offers me a random compliment. On the up side, I've gotten very good at accepting them. I used to brush them off and try to downplay whatever the person has said but now, I say thank you and that's that. Learning to accept that other people, even perfect strangers sometimes, can see good things about me and make complimentary comments to me is all part of the growing process.

As a random funny thought, my horoscope told me that a new person on my social scene would get my attention...but a relationship with this person would never last. Maybe that was kind of cute bus man? LOL.

Good Night!

Sarah

No, this isn't what I was wearing but it's one of my favourite dresses

Searching For A Stress-Free Job

We're only two days into the week and it seems like it's been a long week already. LOL. Work's been one issue after another. Lots of fun there. I've been crazy tired at home too. I keep waking up in the night and worrying about stuff that still needs to be done at work. Sigh. My nightly mantra is "stop worrying about work." One night I might listen to myself. Things are slowly coming together so I'm hoping the worry will leave soon too. Some days I wish I had the kind of job where I simply forgot about it when I walked out the door at the end of the day. No stressing. No worrying. Maybe if I win it big in the lottery I can find a job like that. Everyone knocks working in retail. I kind of liked it. I didn't like the sore feet from standing around all day but I liked the staff discount and getting to talk to people and the whole 'when you leave work, you leave work behind you' thing. Sadly, I can't afford to live on a retail salary, especially if I keep buying stuff from the store where I work. Working in a book store would be cool but I'd spend all my money at work and I've already run out of room for the books that I already own. That would present a major problem. I think it might be fun to be a chef too, so long as someone else did all the dishes.
Being a dog walker would be cool too. Unless one of the dogs ran away. That would be stressful. And I don't think I'd like to walk them in the winter. I hate winter. I hibernate in winter.
Maybe I could get a job as a personal shopper! Then I'd get to shop but spend someone else's money. Only downside is that I don't get to keep anything that I buy. That would be a bummer.
Ironically, my dream job is to be the Governor General of Canada. I'm guessing that job comes with a fair bit of stress. But then again, you could always pass all of your work off to someone else. Hmmm. Something to think about. I need to start getting in friendly with the Prime Ministers if I want to be GG for Canada.
Or maybe I just need to win it really, really big in the lottery and then I don't have to worry about working at all......

Eyes are closing.

Good Night!

Sarah

100!!

Something I forgot to mention: I hit my 100th work out at Curves on August 11th.

That was a pretty big deal for me. When I first joined, 100 work outs seemed like something far away, especially since I only work out 3 days a week. And some weeks it's only twice and for one week last winter I gave up going all together (but I went back the following week!). So I was pretty stoked to hit 100.

I'm not sure that I've ever stuck to a diet/exercise regime this long before. It's become routine for me. I actually enjoy going (most of the time). Today I learnt that I won 2 prizes from games/contests that the club ran in August. I won a pen from our trivia contest and I won a "100" t-shirt from the 100-150 work outs contest. Awesomeness!!!!! Now I'm slowly inching my way forward to the next goal: 150 workouts.

Despite going to the gym on a regular basis, I haven't actually lost all that much weight. Some is gone and while a few pounds keep coming back, the vast majority of what I've lost has stayed lost. So I'm rather pleased with that. I know why I haven't lost much weight. It's no real mystery, especially when you've been in this game as long as I have been. Simply put, I need to modify my intake. And I'm working on that and will be making some changes in the near future. But I'll share more on that later.

Funny part is that people keep telling me that I look like I've lot weight. Probably because I have better posture now. I sit and stand up straighter. Strengthening your core will do that. I'm also slightly leaner, as I'm redistributed the weight around a bit. So it's small changes but they're changes and they're occurring.

Losing weight is a very funny beast. In theory, it's a simple process: intake fewer calories than you burn. But there's so much more to it than that. It's emotional. It's mental. It's a constant internal battle between side A that screams: Love yourself the way you are. Fuck society and accept yourself the way you are. Everyone's beautiful and side B which simply states: Keep it up and you'll have diabetes by 40 and drop dead of a heart attack by 50. Both sides make some valid points. So I think there's a 3rd option: I love myself and am confident enough in myself to know that I have to change. I don't want to die young or be a burden on my family or society because I have a weight related disease or issue. But at the same time, I have no desire to be skinny. I don't even think that's possible given my bone structure. I personally think curves are sexy and plan to hold onto some of mine. I'd just like to reduce them a bit and give them some more definition.

I'm not perfect. Never have been, never will be and I'm happy about that. If you're perfect, you've got nothing to strive for and that sounds a little boring to me. One little step at a time, except on Curves days, and then it's several big steps for about a half hour.

Good Night!

Sarah