Goodbye 2021 (Day 656)

 2021 will come to an end in roughly 10.5 hours and it's ening a lot like 2020 did. We're still dealing with a pandemic, case counts are on the rise, gathering resturictions and limits are being put in place and people are speding hours waiting in long time ups. This time it's fr booster shots and rapid tests. Thank god we have toilet paper this time around.

So we saw a small reprieve n the summer whne case counts went down and vaccines were going in arms en mass. A new varint of Covid that diesn't give a shit about any of that changed things over the last month and a bit and here we are. At least I wasn't afraif to travel home to see my family for Christmas this year and this time I was able to hug my great aunt and uncle. Still didn't get to see my niece thouh.

Most of 2020 sucked hard. But 2021 say a marked improvement. It felt like a few things came into alignment for me. My health improved. I was able to get out and walk more, which made a word of difference. I somehow managed to remove 55lbs from my body (pre-Christmas of course!).  So here's hoping this trend continues into 2022. I still have eye issues and am still worried about Covid 19 but otherwise, things seem to be going well. My family are healthy and all seem to be ok too, so that's a blessing I can count. And I have four packs of toilet paper. LOL

Kindness was a big theme this year and something that a lot of people seem to have forgotten. My mom was reading comments on a Facebook post this afternoon. A new "emergency" homeless shelter is opening here, next to a school. Some of the comments from people were downright awful. Without even knowing the details of who will be staying at that shelter or when, people were villifying the homeless. I hope that none of those people commenting every have to know what it's like to lose everything. To struggle with mental illness or addiction. To have no home. Judge not lest ye be judged and all that. 

Here's hoping that those who opted to be more kind can keep it up for the new year as well. The world needs more kindness.

On the positive side, I got to see more family in 2021. I was able to travel home in July to see my parents and then came to visit me at Thanksgiving and I'm here now for Christmas and New Yeas. My aunt and unclde from Thunder Bay spent a day with me in late September. It's been a minute since I've seen them. LOL. Still not broad travels for me though. Perhaps things will improve enough so that I can venture out within Canada at least. I guess we'll have to wait and see.

I have to admit, way back back on March 16th 2020, I had no idea that this virus would still be kicking our asses. That we'd still be working from home. That we'd still be seperated from our families. 

I feel like I'm heading into 2022 with a lot more optimism. Sorry to dump so much hope on you 2022, but I think you can handle it.

Happy New Year!

Sarah

Day 11 - Dead mouse, thunder and a Happy Birthday

If it wasn't for the fact that I've been numbering my blogs to match the number of days that I've been doing the whole "work from home", "social isolation" and "social distancing" thing, I'd have no idea how long I'd have been at home. It's been nine work days.

It was a grey, rainy, dull kind of day. Work was quiet. I did chat online with a few co-workers and we were able to review some documents via email so on the whole things are working well and we're saving trees in the process.

The rain cooperated and let up in time for me to go for a walk at lunch, without getting wet or having to take my umbrella. On the way out of my driveway, I saw a dead mouse. Thankfully, it wasn't a real mouse. I truly had to do a double take. The cardinals were very vocal again today which is beautiful to hear. But so were the crows. Not sure what had them all riled up. I kept looking to see if there was a hawk or something larger in the area but I didn't see anything. Just a couple Vs of geese returning home for the season.

The "dead mouse" I found at the end of the driveway

My walk and I are a bit funny. Thanks to my knee, every single step I take hurts. It's mostly a dull ache or throb unless I step funny or am not paying attention and twist suddenly, then it's a very sharp pain. When I first start walking, everything from my waist down hurts. My lower backs, hips, knees, legs...feet were ok today. But I keep moving, because I know, it will all loosen up. Sure enough, by the time I've hit the halfway mark and I'm on my way back home, all the pains are gone, except the injured knee and today my lower back wouldn't stop for some reason. My head feels clearer, my sinuses are clearer, my breath feels stronger and I feel more energetic. All of the positives out weigh the pain from my knee. I don't forget it's there, but enjoying my time outside helps me focus on something besides it.

This afternoon we were graced with a single roll of thunder. Apparenlty there was some lightening too but my back is to the window so I didn't see it. Sure heard the thunder though. It was one of those good ones that you can hear rolling across the sky.  Guess there was a single storm cloud passing by. Thunder storms are one of my favourite things. Nature can be really cool sometimes.

Today is my niece's 8th birthday. I do feel bad for her that she didn't get to have a party and see all of her friends but she didn't see bummed out about that. She was more excited about the fact that she got an ice cream cake for her birthday and got to have it for lunch. The simple joys of an 8 year old. We did a puzzle together over video chat, which was as difficult as it sounds. LOL. We got it though! She's a pretty fun kid with a very incredible imagination. I hope she never loses it. I'm sure it will serve her well later in life. It amuses me that she's inherited the stubborn streak that runs in my family. My brother is going to have fun with that when she's older. It was nice to be able to see and talk to her.

Had a quick video chat with my parents too. They had a rather large bunny in their yard this afternoon/evening. They've been throwing leftover veggies and fruit out into their garden so that might explain the size of the rabbit.

I have tomorrow off. Not sure what I'm going to do other than attempt to sleep in. I'm sure I can find something to keep myself occupied. I don't need geoceries yet so I most likely will not venture out to the store, though a Bulk Barn run out we nice. It's not necessary though so I'm not sure if I'll attempt it or not.

I definately feel better today. I'm hoping for some sunshine tomorrow to help keep my spirits up.

"I think, at a child's birth, if a mother could ask a fairy godmother to endow it with the most useful gift, that gift should be curiosity." - Eleanor Roosevelt

Day 10 - Jujubes and the first robin of spring

Ten days down. No one knows how many to go or if someone does, they sure aren't saying.

Work was pretty quiet today though I did have a small research project to do this morning and managed to get it done. m

The weather cooperated and warmed up today and we even saw the sun for a bit. Kristina stopped by over the lunch hour so I had a walking buddy today. We saw a male cardinal and heard a couple cardinals signing away. On the way back, we saw a cat on one of the pathways. At first we thought the man in front of the cat was walking it but no, the cat was just following him. It eventaully lost interest and came back up onto the same path we were on. When we got to the end of the path, there was a very vocal and pissed off squirrel in one of the trees. I suspect that the cat was the reason for its displeasure. That's also where I saw my first robin of the spring! I've heard them a coupel of different evenings over the last week or so but haven't been able to see one. Until today. I'm rather pleased abot that. It was in a bush when I first saw it and then it hopped down and was flipping leaves over, looking for worms and bugs. It was funny to watch. It was nice to get out and stretch my legs, get fresh air into my lungs and speak to a human in person!

My eagle eyes spotted him hopping in the bushes!

Before all that, I attempted to use the video call feature on Facebook to chat with my mom. Took three tries but we got it!!! Apparently the call kept ringing on my dad's tablet and my mom was going to throw it out the window to make it stop. LOL. It was nice seeing them though my mom was mean and showed me the big bag of jujubes that she's been holding onto for me. I'll hopefully see them both in person soon and can finally collect my jujubes.

I spent a lot of my free time today reading. I was really getting close to the end of my book and I wanted to finish it. I'm reading the Outlander series. I had started by watching the TV show but once I was told that the books were better, I switched to the books. Halfway through the second book, I caught up to where I left off with the TV show. Now I can finish watching the second season of the show! I also have to start reading the third book to see when and where Claire and Jamie reunite!!!!

All in all, today was a much better day. Last night's blog was cathartic I think and getting some of my thoughts out of my head made me feel lighter. I slept a little better too. Tomorrow is my Friday as I had one "use it or lose it" leave day left so I decided to use it. No friggin' clue what I'm going to do with my day since I can't really do much. Perhaps I'll go on a grocery run. The weather's supposed to be nice so a walk is definately in order. Maybe I'll bake something. Who knows. I'll figure something out.

“I will find you," he whispered in my ear. "I promise. If I must endure two hundred years of purgatory, two hundred years without you - then that is my punishment, which I have earned for my crimes. For I have lied, and killed, and stolen; betrayed and broken trust. But there is the one thing that shall lie in the balance. When I shall stand before God, I shall have one thing to say, to weigh against the rest."

His voice dropped, nearly to a whisper, and his arms tightened around me.

Lord, ye gave me a rare woman, and God! I loved her well.” ― Diana Gabaldon, Dragonfly in Amber

Days 7,8 and 9 - Three for the price of one

I didn't blog last night or the night before. I was too tired and quite frankly, feeling too depressed to bother.

Sunday was the worst day yet. I had no desire to do anything. I didn't even feel like eating (which has it's pros and cons for me). Nothing would hold my interest. I tried watching movies and would lose inerest afer five minutes. Tried reading and would lose interest after a page or two. The highlight of my day was feed peanuts to a squirrel while I sat on my balcony. I'd toss one down to it. It would run into the tree and sit on branch and eat the peanut and then come back down the tree looking for more. It was really cute.

Yesterday I was back at work...from my home office (aka, kitchen table). It was a busy enough day and it kept me occupied.

I was taken to remark yesterday afternoon, that I was surprised by which one of my demons has decided to surface during this time of uncertainty. If someone had asked me to bet on which one would come out to play, my money would have been on my anxiety. Given all the unknows and such, I should be anxious as hell right now, but I'm not. I'm actually quite calm. I think my brain has decided that the situation is what it is, and there's noting we can do to change it, so just sitting back and relaxing is the way to go. I've got food, I've got cleaning supplies (even if my Windex was hiding on my today), I've got toilet paper. I'm ok. So my anxiety is staying at bay. It's my depression that's hanging around. Normally, this time of year, my "winter blues" (seasonal depression) is waning. I feel better and happier. More energetic. But not this time. Not right now.

I think part of the issue is that I'm actually grieving. While no one died, I did suffer a couple of losses thanks to Covid. I didn't get to visit with my parents (whom I haven't seen since late December) and my knee didn't get fixed. Which has a spiraling effect. I was looking foward to being about to get out and walk again, enjoy the warmer spring temps. I was stating to look ahead to the summer and try to decide where I want to go for holidays, who I wanted to visit. That's all gone now.  There's no point in me travelling anywhere as I can only walk for about 10 minutes before I need to stop. Literally every step I take is painful. I think I'm still greiving the loss of what was supposed to be a return of my freedome.

I am taking some comfort in the fact that there's a reason for my depression for once. Usually there's no rhyme or reason to it but this time, I think I can pin point a reason or two.  And I know that the Universe isn't picking on me, so this isn't a "why me" situation. But it still sucks. And it still hurts. More importantly, I'll allowed to feel this way. Looks like I need to process the grief in order to feel better rather than hoping that the sunshine will just improve my mood. For the record, the nice weather does help. So does feeding the squirrels.

Today was a better day, largely due to the fact that I didn't actually start working until almost 11am. Our system was down this morning and no one could log in remotely. So I used the time to start clearning my bathroom. I think it was a very good use of my time! I made tacos for dinner tonight since it's #tacotuesday. LOL. I still didn't venture out but I did sit on my balcony, twice today, and enjoyed the sunshine and fresh air. I really does help.

Mmmm, tacos

"We know what we are, but know not what we may be." - William Shakespeare.

Day 5 - Wild Weather, Dogs and Seafood

This day went so differently than I thought it would have gone a week ago. I was supposed to have checked into the hospital at 8 this morning. Somewhere around 9:35am, I should have been leaving surgery, with my knee fixed. I should have spent a groggy afternoon worring about what my parents were doing to my apartment while I was incapasitated. Instead of eating alone while watching the news, I should have been having dinner with my Mom and Dad. Clearly the Universe had different plans. I am sad. I am disappointed. But I have no control over the situation or circumsances that lead to the change in plans. So I have to just let it go and roll with it. My surgery will be rescheduled at some point and I'll get to see my parents again soon. Trust me, if this social distancing thing goes on longer than a few weeks, I'm out of here. I'm running away and am going home!!

Over all, I think today was the best day of the week. Partly because I'm starting to adapt to my new norm and partly because it's normal to feel happy that it's Friday. While my plans for the weekend really aren't all that different than my plans for the week, the major difference is that I don't have to work :)

Given that things were a wee  bit slow on the work front, I decided to make muffins, so that I'd had something yummy for my morning snack. I ended up making Oatmeal-Orange muffins with dried canberries. I gotta say, they're one of the best muffins I've made. I swapped out the sugar and used Splenda instead and they were still awesome. I ate three of them today (not all at the same time!).

Oatmeal Orange Muffins with dried cranberries

Our weather was a strange one. Started the morning off at +2, hit+14 this afternoon and we're currently sitting at -2 (feels like -9 with the windchill), on our way down to -10.  We had rain earlier and now we may see flurries. Welcome to spring in Canada. If you don't like the weather, wait five minutes.

I got out for a walk during the warm but windy part and made it home before it rained. I saw a lot more people today. Probably close to a dozen people plus five dogs and three people on bikes. I watched one guy on a bike almost wipe out on some ice on a pathway. People smiled and said hi. Some even stopped for a moment and chatted, all while keeping a respectable distance.

This evening, I supported a local food truck. They've set up shop in another local business' parking lot and for the first time, are offering delivery! So I got my seafood fix tonight with some tender calamari and flakey battered fish. It was nice. I think I've met my deep fried quota for the week though. LOL.

Fish with veggie chips and calamari fritti

I also only watched the news once today. I watched it for a bit this morning. Other than hearing the top of the hour news update on the radio, that was all I exposed myself to today.

I did a lot of reading this afternoon/evening/night. I'm hooked on the Outlander series. I started with the tv show and then several people told me how awesome the books are so I stopped the show and started in on the books, which are 900-1000 pages long. Anyhow, I'm on book two, Drangonfly in Amber and I finally reached the point in the book where I passed where I stopped watching the tv show. Up to now, I had an idea of what was going to happen. Now I don't, so I got much more engrossed in the book. It's a lovely way to kill time.

Tomorrow should be interesting. I have to leave my nest (aka, my apartment) and I have to go to the bank and to a grocery store. I'd better make a good list, I don't want to have to go out again mid-week. Should be an interesting time.

"Embrace uncertainty. Some of the most beautiful chapters in our lives won't have a title until much later." - Bob Goff

Day 4 - Not as bad but getting bored and Happy Spring!

I'm currently fighting the urge to not attack my neighbour. She's on her balcony, having a phone conversation on speaker phone. I'm inside my apartment. Not only can I hear her, I can hear the person on the phone. What the hell is wrong with people? Do you think you're the only one who lives here? Do you not realize that all nine units on our side of the building can hear you? Geez.

Anyhow, I think today was better. This morning my co-worker and I figured out the video chat feature on the new program that work set everyone up with, so that was awesome. We go to see one and other. At lunch, a friend stopped by on her way home so that we could go for a walk. I met her outside and we went for a nice walk and chatted away. Having some actualy human interaction was great. Plus it was nice to get out in the fresh air again too.  We made sure to follow the social distancing rules, even though I would have loved to have given her a big. We only passed three other people on our walk. Everyone smiled and said hi. We also nearly got run over by two squirrels who were having quite the fight.

The only "spring" filter I could find.

With my boss being back, there were more emails to deal with this afternoon so it was good to have a productive go of it. I finished off my afternoon talking to my Aunt and Uncle who live in Thunder Bay. It was snowing there but not here, so that's a win for me! (Sorry Heather).

I had a disappointing dinner of "taste like frost burn" turkey burgers (didn't end up eating it) and just sat and watched re-runs on tv. I'm tired tonight. I haven't slept well the last couple of nights so I'm hoping I'll make up for that this evening.

I watched significantly less news today too. Maybe that helped as well. It was heartbreaking to see that Italy has surpassed China for most deaths from this virus but it was reassuring to see that no new cases were reported in Wuhan Province, China today.

While trading comments on FB with a friend, I realized what's bothering my the most about all of this. It's the uncertainty. The not knowing where the end is. Once I made the decision to get surgery to fix my knee, I was anxious. The day I got my surgery date, I calmed down. I had something to focus on. My end goal. I knew how many days I had to make it through. And that's what I focused on. It helped to ground me. I no longer have that surgery date and no one can tell us how long it's going to be until things return to the way they were. Until we can go out and be social creatures again. That's the part that's hard for me. No end point to focus on.

So, I've decided to focus on getting through each day. My nightly blog will be my "focus point". Make it through the hours until it's time to blog again and then go to bed.

Tomorrow or Saturday, I need to venture out for supplies. My bread went moldy today :(

Today is also the first day of Spring.  It's not set to arrive officially until 11:50 EDT but it's here. It's also the earliest that Spring has arrived in 124 years. So that's special. As if to understand what's going on, we have a risk of thunderstorms tonight and into tomorrow. And because it's Canada, our temperature is supposed to change 26 degrees beween the daytime high and the overnight low tomorrow. +15 to -11. Fun times. Going to be a wind one!

"In the Spring, I have counted 136 different kinds of weather inside of 24 hours" - Mark Twain

Day 3 - Still Surreal

Day three is almost in the books now.

I had a conference call with my boss and our team. She's in self-isolation since she spent her holidays in the US. It was good to hear their voices. Made me feel connected again.

Before that, I took a walk at lunch. I venture down the 4-5 blocks to a Shopper's Drug Mart. I'd done a pretty decent job on stocking up (reasonably) on essential before the perverbial shit hit the fan but I managed to forget about dish soap. Shopper's had it on sale, so away I went.

I didn't pass anyone else walking. There were two people at a bus stop and another two people in the parking lot. McDonald's was hopping though but then again, it was lunch time. Inside the Shopper's, I only saw three, maybe four other people shopping. I stood well back from the man at the cash ahead of me and paid with debit before heading back home with my dish soap (sadly, they were sold out of my usual brand but I'll make do).

I didn't have any dance breaks today but I did haul my butt into a shower this morning. I didn't really want to but I kept telling myself that I'd feel better afterwards and I did. This is day two without make up for me. I'm getting used to it. Kind of like it. I did have the decency to put on a bra before I headed out at noonhour. I haven't gone completey savage yet.

Clearly having fun with photo filers. Going to try a new one each day!

My co-worker and I had a conversation about our parents today and how both sets don't seem to be taking this whole situation as seriously as they should. They don't seem to be grasping the social distancing thing nor the only go out if you absolutely have to thing. And the news says it's the youngins that aren't listening. Apparenlty the retirees aren't either. I think it might be that we live in a government town, with a large number of federal, provincial and municiple government employees. We also still have a large collection of tech companies, all of whom have decreed that all non-essential staff who can work from home should work from home. Add in the school closures and we've got a ghost town on our hands. My parents live in a city with a lot of manufacturing and factories which are still operating so a lot of people there don't have the option to work from home. Maybe their streets aren't as empty. Maybe their streets aren't as eerie. Maybe they have more peace of mind as there haven't been any confirmed cases of the virus in their town yet. And neither of them understand what it's like to be living completely on your own. If I get sick, there's no one to look after me. So yes, I'm taking this seriously.

Then this evening, I called my parents to check in and remind them about social distancing, which my dad apparently took to heart. A few minutes into the call, my brother tried calling them. Rather than wait until our call wrapped up, my father went into the other room and used his cell to call my brother. I could hear him talking to my brother while I was still chatting with my mom. What the actual fuck? My call to them was less than 20 minutes long. He couldn't wait that long? Nope. A rather hurtful end to the day for me.

Just watched a guilty pleasure (The Masked Singer!!) and read (Dragonfly in Amber - book 2 of the Outlander series) for the rest of the evening.

And that's pretty much it. I'm hoping to sleep better tonight and hoping my body will soon adjust to my new, later wake up time. So far I've been able to resisit the urge to nap before dinner. I hope I can keep it up.

"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along." - Eleanor Roosevelt

Welcome to 2020 and Social Distancing (days 1 and 2)

Hi there.

It's been a while. Almost two years in fact. Thought I'd pop in here, dust things off and get some thughts out of brain.

Given the current state of affairs and the new normal of social distancing, I've decided to resurrect my blog and use it as a means of self care during these uncertain times.

To bring eveyrone up to speed, I'm still in Ottawa. Still gainfully employed. Still single and have been limping since September. I tore my meniscus disk in my right knee on September 14th. Yes, it hurt, yes it still hurts, just not as badly. I was supposed to be having surgery in three days to fix it, but my surgery was cancelled (postponed really) until things with the Covid 19 are cleared up and it's safe to resume non-emergency surgery. Yes, I'm bummbed. I was looking forward to getting back to normal. But what really hurts is that I don't get to see my parents. They were coming up to help me but aren't now that my surgery is cancelled. It's safer for them to stay at home too.

So yesterday was the first real day of the ramped up social distancing thing. We received an email late Sunday night saying that we are to work from home where ever possible. My team and I still went into the office Monday morning, just to get a few things sorted out and to check things out with our Director. I stayed until the early afternoon and then headed home, stopping for some last minute supplies along the way, before logging back into my work accround from home. So yesterday was an alright day. Public Transit was deserted and that seemed really weird as was my office building. Other than that, nothing strange.

I tried to sleep in this morning but my internal clock had me up around my usual time. I guess that will take some getting used to. Logged into work and spent the day working remotely. Again, nothing too out of the ordinary, I've worked from home before.

My parents called this morning to say hi. I got a song played on a local radio stations "Old School Lunch" and I danced around my living room like an idiot. It was great. It was the break I needed at that moment.

(Click here to see what I was dancing to)

I've been deliberately limited my access to the news. It helps keep my anxiety at bay and doesn't overhwhelm me. I'm fortunate too that I have work to focus on and keep me going. LIke i said, today seemed pretty normal.

The surreal part of all of this didn't hitmy until about an hour ago. I was sitting on my couch, watching tv and it dawned on me that I didn't need to go to work tomorrow. Or the next day. Or the next day.....I turned on the national news. They were showing video from countries around the world, showing just how empty popular tourist spots are. The shot of Trafalgar Square in London hit me as I've been there somewhat recently and I remember how packed it was with people and just life in general.

I still can't quite wrap my head around it all. I'm old enough to remember the SARS outbreak and the H1N1 flu and neither were anything like this. Granted, social media wasn't as prolific during SARS so the information wasn't spearding quite as much, but this time around, it's very different.

I sit here wondering how many days it's going to take before the gravity of the situation finally sets in. How many days before this becomes my "normal"?  How long is this going to last? Will the virus spread stop? Will the disease drop off? Will they have a vaccine for us soon?

I really don't know.

All I can do is sit here and hope. Keep the belief that the Universe will look after us. That maybe this is what the world needs to make us start focusing on the really important things again.

Until then, I'm going to read my book(s), spend time on my balcony and dance arond my living room like an idiot several times a day.

Two days down.....

Oh, and Happy St. Patrick's Day! "May you live as long as you want, and never want as long as you live".

...and I'm back. For now.

Hello all you out there in internet land!

I stopped making New Year's Resolutions a few years ago. I decided that just trying to be a better version of myself and a kinder human being wasn't something that I just resolve to do, it should be something that I just do, so I went with it. However, this year I decided that it would be a good idea to start writing again. This is as close as I'm going to get to a New Year's Resolution, so here we go.

I just returned from spending 11 or so days with my parents. I survived and didn't freeze to death. They survived my complaining about how cold their house is, so all is well. I spent half my time wondering if they'd been this crazy all my life and I hadn't noticed until now and spent the other half wondering how I'm going to survive once they're gone. I can't fathom a world that doesn't have them in it. We discovered a British TV show together, called Mrs. Brown's Boys. If you haven't watched it, go do so. Like now. It's on Netflix. I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. Watching my mom and dad laugh was one of the greatest joys I've had in a long time. They seem so much younger when they're laughing. 

I saw my brother for about a nano second. He came through, showed up with my sister in law and two nieces and managed to spend a couple hours with us on Christmas Eve afternoon. That's it. Two hours and a bit. It's the first time my parents have seen him since August (same here for that matter). I think I said all of five words to him. I was too busy spending quality time with my niece and was too worried that I'd strangle him if we were left alone for any length of time. I was able to see my niece again after Christmas and she spent most of the day with us. She's an amusing little so and so and I can't figure out how so much attitude can fit into something so tiny. She is in the "why" phase. When you tell her something, she asks "why". I took that challenge head on. Instead of the standard adult answer of "because I said so", I'd give her an answer. Sometimes it was a legit answers and sometimes I was totally making it up. Either way, she seemed happy and she only called me on a bullshit answer once. 

Other than that, I didn't see much other family. Just my great Aunt and Uncle. They're awesome. They give me duct tape every year for Christmas. I could build a fucking ark with the amount of duct tape I am new in possession of. And every roll is different. My Aunt finds some pretty wicked patterns. I love it. 

My dad nearly broke my heart this morning though. While waiting for a very late train to arrive (no surprise there, the fucker is never on time, even in good weather), he asked me if I wanted to stay longer. When I asked why, he said "I've gotten used to having you around." Just fucking shoot me now. Leaving them after a visit is one of the hardest things I have to do in this life and then my dad says that. It hurt so much. Still does. But I had to go. I had to get back to my life here. I wish I could just hit a pause button and flit back and forth between both worlds whenever I liked but I don't have the science back ground for that. So I shall continue on, living with the guilt I feel of being far away from my parents and family. There are some weeks that I would give up almost anything to be able to go and just have Sunday dinner with them. My dad even BBQ'd steaks in the -20 weather for me (and Mom). Now that's love.

Now I'm back, in my tiny, quiet apartment. It seems even smaller than normal tonight and it feels quite empty tonight as well. I know from experience that that feeling will start to fade over the next few days and things will be back to normal soon, but until then, my heart is going to hurt a little and the silence is going to be a bit louder than usual. 

Alas, I have to return to the real world tomorrow and be an adult. And it all starts with French class at 9am. Le sigh. More on that later.

Good Night!

Sarah

A photo I snapped of Lake Ontario. I took it from the train on my way home today.

Switzerland

I've been feeling a lot like Switzerland lately. As in the "neutral party stuck between two warring factions" sort of way.

Have you ever been stuck in the middle of a situation, where you're the neutral party and have nothing to do with the conflict, but are being dragged into by both warring sides and are now collateral damage? 

Welcome to my world. And it's only getting worse. 

Several months ago (and I mean more than 6 months ago), something happened which caused a stunningly huge rift to form between my mother and my brother. Best part? Both of them are in the wrong. My mother technically caused it but my brother could have prevented it so I'm calling it even there. They haven't spoken since, except for when I was home. 

And they both keep bitching to me about the other one, both blame the other one and both are playing the victim like they're up for a fucking Oscar. 

I called my brother back in the summer while my parents were away. I spent 7 minutes on the phone with him (yes, I checked the timer). Not once did he ask me how I was doing, or what I was doing or how my summer was going or when was I coming to visit or how was work....nope. Just bitched about my parents and answered some questions I asked about my niece.

I'll be talking to my mom or emailing with my mom and she'll slide in a "have your heard from your brother lately" and no matter what my answer is, a rant then follows. I can't win.

And of course, my sister-in-law is adding drama to the situation, saying that if this isn't sorted out by Christmas, she and the kids won't come over to my parents' house for our Christmas because it's too much of a tense and volatile situation. To hear her talk, she's making my mother out to be a monster. Yes, my mom has a temper but it's not like she's deliberately mean and when all is said and done, that's still my mom you're putting down and I don't need to hear that!!!!

That's the root of this issue. My brother basically replaced my Mom,Dad and I with an instant family of his own. Right from the get go, it was all about her and her family and my parents got pushed to the back burner. And then my brother has the audacity  to complain that my parents never make an effort to see him and the kids. That's rich. He's never come to visit me. He never calls me to say hello. Hell, if it wasn't for the fact that my niece exists, I'd never speak to him. If I was ever kidnapped, he'd never to be able to tell the cops anything about me, my job or my life here. And while that bothers me, I don't think it bothers him at all.

I found out this week that he'd hurt himself and actually popped a rib. I asked him why he didn't tell me and he just said he was busy. When I mentioned it to my sister in law, she said "I never though to tell you.".

Yup. That perfectly summarizes my relationship with them.  I've come to terms with that and I make an effort because of my niece. My step nephew is pretty cool too but I never get to see him/talk to him.  And my step-niece is a teenager so she's not interested in any of us dumb adults and I get that. 

Anyhow, getting back to the situation at hand. My mother and my brother are cut from the same cloth. They both have the same temper and they're both giant, stubborn assess. 

My mother refuses to apologize because she feels that she doesn't get any respect from my brother and his family and my brother refuses to make contact first because my mom won't apologize and he just keeps saying "it's a 2-way street".

My Dad is collateral damage too. He can't say anything to my mother because she'll yell at him and bite his head off (I have the same problem) and my brother hasn't spoken to him - no fucking idea why. But he's not helping the situation either. He won't reach out to my brother either.

So, here we are. 5 weeks before Christmas and my Christmas is pretty much more or less ruined already. The anxiety knot in my stomach grows bigger every day. I'm not excited about Christmas at all. 

I see my friends on Facebook posting photos of them decorating their homes with their families and talking about how excited they are for Christmas and all the fun they're going to have with their families and it just makes me more and more sad. I went to the Santa Claus parade on Saturday and nearly broke out in tears at 3 different times. I kept looking at all the kids around me, so excited about Christmas and Santa and it broke my heart. 

I don't live near my family. I'm 6 hour away from them.

I'm never going to get to take my niece to see Santa. I don't get to go Christmas shopping and have lunch with my mom or help my parents decorate the house anymore. All I have left is when my brother and his family comes over to celebrate Christmas with my parents and I. I get to bake cookies with my niece and for a little while, I feel normal and not so alone in the world.

But it doesn't look like that's going to happen this year. 

When I lived out west, I spent a Christmas alone. Had some friends over for dinner and had a nice time. I'm starting to think that staying here, all on my own, would be better than going home.  Maybe that will make the knot in my stomach leave. At least I know it would be drama free and I wouldn't have to deal with anyone bitching or getting angry or being hurt and moody. I wouldn't have to deal with any tension.

Maybe I should just say screw them all and take off to a beach resort for a week and spending Christmas sitting on a beach, in the sun, reading a good book. 

Either here alone or on the beach, I wouldn't have to continue to be hurt by two people who are supposed to love me. 

I hate being stuck in the middle of a situation that I can't do one good god damned thing about. It's killing me. I'm anxious, stressed out and will soon be drinking pepto straight from the bottle. 

I also feel guilty. Maybe if I didn't live so far away, things wouldn't have gotten this bad. Maybe if I'd been there, nothing would have happened. 

I wonder if Switzerland ever felt guilty? 

I am honestly, completely, and am totally at a loss as to what to do. 

Bah Fucking Humbug.

Happy New Blog

So I guess it's been a while eh? Over a year in fact. 

I'm writing this as a gift to my mother, who repeatedly has told me that she's getting tired of reading the same blog post. Even though so knows that I haven't been writing, she checks my blog every morning. I'm glad to know that I have at least one dedicated reader. 

So 2016 is upon us and I have to say, I'm happy to see it. It's not because 2015 was a bad year, because it wasn't, it's just that I have a gut feeling about 2016 and it's a good gut feeling.

It's off to a good start so far. I spent NYE with my friend MA. We stuffed our faces, watched a movie and toasted with Sparkling fruit juice at Midnight. We're real wild women aren't we? Today I helped her cook a feast fit for royalty and joined her and 3 others for a very wonderful turkey dinner. One of the friends I've met before and I think she's a hoot. The other 2 were people I was meeting for the first time. We all hit it off and had a grand ol' time. Food was enjoyed, stories were shared. Laughter rang out and smiles were abundant. We're not even 24 hours into 2016 and I've already been social and made a couple of new friends. I certainly hope this is a trend that continues into 2016. 

Looking back, 2015 was a pretty good year. I got to spend time with several people who are near and dear to my heart. My last blog was written 4 days after I started a new job. I'm still there! I've settled in and have learnt pretty much everything about how it works. It's still a bit of a work in progress but it is progressing. It's quite far from being my dream job, but it pays the bills and it's serving its purpose as a stepping stone and learning opportunity on my path. 

In May, I headed home for my birthday and had a great (but short) visit with my family. 

June saw a new owner taking over my apartment building. This has been a good thing. They've made some fantastic improvements. I'm still living in the same crappy apartment but it's now a slightly less crappy one thanks to the improvements. My balcony garden was a pretty awesome one this year and I added a new hibiscus plant to my collection. 

I headed East in August to visit on my oldest friend (as in the friend I've known the longest) and we had ourselves a great adventure in PEI and the Moncton area of NB. I went swimming in the Ocean which I haven't done since I was kid, I saw a jellyfish (didn't get stung!) and walked on the Ocean floor in New Brunswick. I got to visit with all her boys and made a friend for life with her cat, even though I'm quite allergic.  I'm pretty sure that I've fallen in love with PEI. This could end up being an expensive obsession.

The end of August/start of September brought me a very welcome visitor from BC. I got a chance to play tour guide once again in my fabulous city and get caught up with one of my favourite people. The first weekend we nearly melted it was so hot. The 2nd weekend, we nearly froze and were quite damp around the edges. LOL. Gotta love Canadian weather.

I got a real treat in October when my parents came to visit me for Thanksgiving. This was a first. They've never been here for Thanksgiving before. It was a great but way to short visit. I even managed to cook a spectacular turkey dinner with all the fixings in my slightly less crappy little apartment. 

I just got back from my Christmas holidays 2 days ago. I had a nice, long visit with my parents. It's funny. No matter how long I'm home, it never feels like it's long enough. Every time I get on the train and I wave good bye are we're pulling away from the station, my heart breaks a little. You'd think I would be used to it by now, but no, I'm not. 2016 marks me having lived away for home for 19 years. That's the same amount of time that I lived at home. And yet I still get crazy excited when I get to see my parents and I get sad and heart broken when I have to leave or they have to leave. Part of the heart break is that I know that they're getting old. I don't want them to get old. The older they get, the closer I get to having to say a final goodbye to them. That's something I can't fathom doing. My humble words can't begin to convey how amazing my parents are or how lucky I am to be their daughter. I honestly have no idea what I'd do without them and I hope and pray that it's a good long time before I have to find out how to do that. 

So, in a nutshell, that was 2015. I'm keeping the faith that 2016 will beat 2015 in awesomeness. I hope I get to spend even more time with those near and dear to me. I hope I get to see even more of my country or even the world. I hope I smile more. And laugh more. Spend more carefree days at the beach or wandering my city. I hope to convert more strangers into friends. I hope to worry less and let more things go. I hope to love myself more and take better care of me. I hope to read more amazing books and watch less television. I hope to hear my soul sing more and hope to keep shorter chains on my demons. I hope to love more. And most of all, I hope to live more in 2016.

Let's do this!

Good Night!!

Sarah

Cavendish Beach, PEI

All That I Am Thankful For

Today is Thanksgiving so it only seems fitting that I take a moment to look back and reflect on things and thank the universe for the plethora of things that I have to be thankful for. 

I spent Thanksgiving on my own this year, completely by choice. I had several invitations to dine with others or head home but I opted to decline them all. I know what some people might think. Why would I willing opt to spend Thanksgiving alone when some people out there would give anything to not be alone today. Well that's one of the things I'm thankful for - that I have the choice.

Given the stress, anxiety and emotional roller coaster that the past month has been, I needed time to myself to decompress, relax and re-focus. I also wanted to save my remaining holiday days for Christmas. Yes I miss my family terribly and would have loved to have spent the weekend with them, but I fear that I wouldn't have been much fun to be around as I'm kind of stuck inside my own head at the moment. And my decision to stay here saved me from what has been described at "horrible" gravy.

Anyhow, I cleaned and did laundry today and I cooked and baked. I made cookies this morning (thank god I only made 1 dozen because I nearly ate them all) and then I made an apple pie and cooked a Prime Rib roast to perfection. So there are two more things I'm thankful for - that I can afford groceries (granted prime rib is a rarity and only when on sale) and that I know how to cook and bake for myself and that I like to do so. I guess that's 3 things to be thankful for.

I spent some time sitting on my balcony this afternoon (thankful for a warm fall) and watched the chickadees eat sun flower seeds and watched some orange ladybug fly around and climb on the balcony (and me for a bit too). It was very nice to just spend a few moments doing something so simple yet something that made me smile. So I am thankful for the simple pleasures in life.

I texted with a very great friend who lives very far from me for a while this afternoon and heard about the adventures of her day and what the week holds in store for her family. So that made me thankful for the technology to so seamlessly communicate with someone 2 provinces away. And it made me thankful to have someone as wonderful as her in my life. I am thankful that I have a set of friends that let me be myself. Even when I'm at my worst, I know I have a few strong souls to depend upon. And for that I am thankful.

A 3 year, 8 month and 1 day voyage will be coming to an end this week. For all that it's taught me and for all the great people I've met along the way, I am thankful and I am most certainly thankful for the new adventure that lies ahead. I'm hopeful for that one too.

And most importantly of all, I am thankful for my cheering section back in Southern Ontario. My family, especially my parents. It's funny. Some days I think that they don't get me or understand me at all, yet that never seems to stop them from giving me their 100% support and having my back no matter what I decide to do. Not only am I thankful for them, but I'm blessed to have them too. 

Now it's time for me to head to bed. I have a very long short week ahead of me. I need to figure out how to impart 3 years, 8 months and 1 day's worth of knowledge and wisdom onto someone else. And clean off my desk........

Good Night and Happy Thanksgiving!

Sarah

My Mom's fall mums from 2011

Catching Up

Hey. How's it going? Long time, no read eh? I know I haven't blogged in a long time but I didn't realize it had been that long. 5 months to be exact. I'm not entirely sure why I stopped just like I'm not entirely sure why I felt compelled to write this evening. Maybe I needed a break, so I stopped. Maybe part of me longed to write again, so here I am. I don't know. But that's a very big part of life isn't it? Not knowing.

I just spent the last 45 minutes writing a very long blog......only to discover that my computer disconnected from the internet, AGAIN (computer issue, not my internet provider) and only the first paragraph above saved.  Shit.

So I'm going to summarize the last 5 months of my life in 5 minutes or less:

Moronic, worst supervisor ever appointed to my team and has thankfully since left. New one is much, much better. New manager at work, seems very nice. Went home for my dad's birthday. Had a great time. Went to see Cyndi Lauper and Cher, awesome show! Turned another year older! Had a fun dinner out with friends and a couple of us won money at the casino. Right on! Bought myself a new camera. Love it. Went home for a wedding. Had a horrible time, mostly due to being abandoned by everyone and having to sit alone and then getting a horrible drunken text message from my brother. Moved on. Went to Bluesfest! Rocked out to Slash, Moist and Collective Soul. Got to meet The Barenaked Ladies. Had an awesome time! Got to go and see Katy Perry. It was a kick ass show. Well worth the money! Took a couple days off work and had a stay-cation. Got a pedicure, saw the changing of the guard and had tea at the Chateau Laurier. Bought a Kitchen Aid Stand Mixer. How did I ever bake without it? My parents came to town for a couple of day. Had a very wonderful visit with them and got to tour the little villages south of Ottawa. My mom made friends with the front desk clerk by giving him cherry tomatoes from their garden. LOL. I was very sad to see them leave. The older I get, the harder the goodbyes seem to become.

So that's it in a nut shell. I'm sure other stuff happened but that's the main points that I can remember right now.

It's now well past my bedtime and I have to be up and moving early tomorrow.

Good Night!

Sarah

Super Moon - taken with my new camera

Just chillin' with the Barenaked Ladies

Katy Perry

Mom and Dad <3

Disappearing Doctor and a Sugarless Surprise

Since I just cleared a world in Candy Crush and I'm currently waiting for 3 friends to send me passes to the next level, I decided I'd kill some time by blogging.

It was an interesting week at work. It was very busy. And not just for me. For a lot of people. Ah, the joy of year end (the fiscal or financial year that is). The ending of this year and getting stuff done for the start of the next one kept me equally busy I'd say. Part of it was my own fault. I requested today off since I had one "use it or lose it" vacation day left and I'm not the type of person to let a perfectly good vacation day go to waste.

My day off was a long and rather interesting one. I've been having problems with my knee for several months now. I very much dislike going to the doctor so I'm a big proponent of "walk it off'". I think it stems from the time when I was 6 and I feel and severely sprained my ankle and broke 2 tiny bones in it and I limped around the house for a day and a half before my mom decided I wasn't faking it and took me to the doctor. So I've been "waking it off" for the last few months, only problem is that it's becoming increasingly more painful to do so. Sigh. Time to see the doctor. Knowing that I had today off, I decided that it would be best to go on my day off so that I didn't miss any additional work. I called the doctor's office on Tuesday and made an appointment for Friday. I asked for the earliest appointment they had. She said "10am". And I said "that's the earliest?" and she said "Yes, the doctor's usually in by then". Sigh. I took it. We had a little bit of freezing rain earlier so I wasn't sure what I was going to encounter on my way to the bus this morning. Thankfully, we didn't get much and it had warmed up already and all the snow we got overnight was starting to melt as well as any of the frozen stuff that feel earlier. I make it to the corner in time to see my bus go by on the other side of the street. Damn thing was 3 minutes early. Sigh. So I wait for the next one and arrive at the doctor's office 5 minutes late (not too bad). I go up to the receptionist, tell her who I am and that I have an appointment with my doctor at 10am and apologize for being late. She just looks at me. And then says "You have an appointment?" Me - Yes. Her - hmmm. Then - the doctor isn't here. And I can't see your appointment in the computer. It looks like it's all blocked off. Me - I called on Tuesday and made an appointment for today. I called at 10:30am. Whoever I spoke to (btw - I know it was her that I spoke to) told me the doctor would be in a 10 and gave me that appointment time. She just looks at me. Then the computer. Then me. Then she says "I don't know where the doctor is. We're expecting him today.". WTF. What kind of doctor just goes MIA?? Beauty part? This isn't the first time this has happened. I told her ask much. She just shrugged at me and gave me a helpless animal type face. Thankfully I don't fall for that kind of BS easily so I just sighed and said "Can I see the other doctor?" And she said "Of Course!" and merrily starts typing away at the computer, gives me back my health card and tells me to take a seat. My doctor is based out of a Walk in clinic so there's always another doctor there except on weekends. Thankfully, the place wasn't busy. I only had to wait about 20 minutes. The walk in doctor was an old dude with a really thick accent that I could hardly understand. He wiggled and twisted my knee all over the place (which hurt) and asked me twice if I had a drug plan (which I do have, thank goodness). He wrote me 3 prescriptions. One is a powerful anti-inflammatory that I have to take twice a day. 2nd one is for a medication to protect my tummy from the anti-inflammatory (it appears to be a drug who's main purpose is to treat ulcers and really bad heartburn). Ok then. The 3rd was the one I asked for, which was just a repeat on my regular meds. Bugger only gave me 3 months worth of that one so I have to go back to see my doctor.  Trying to be good and giving the guy one more chance, I made an appointment for a physical in May. Have to wait and see what happens there.

So after the doctor's office, I went to Curves. It was monthly weigh-in day. I've never been there that early in the day and I'd only eaten breakfast at this point so I'm sure that helped with the weigh in a little bit. Anyhow, it went very well. I'm down 3 inches. I lost a little or stayed the same for every part of my body except my biceps. They increased thanks to the muscle I've built. The best part was what the scale had to say. Down 8.5lbs in the last month. YEEHAW! That's roughly 2lbs a week. The only thing I've changed in my diet is sugar. I've removed it. And apparently that's having some very positive results. I even managed to say no to my biggest temptations yet: The crazy awesome looking and very amazing smelling Ferro Rocher cupcakes that a very awesome co-worked baked for KayD's bday. I was tempted. Boy was I ever. But I held out and the result on the scale today made me very happy about that decision. I know damn well that 1 cupcake wouldn't have an impact on the results I saw today, but it's the principle of my quest that matters. The wonderful photo that appears on tonight's blog are the delightful cupcakes. You'll understand the temptation once you see them. Honestly, they were pretty epic or so I was told by those who ate them :)

After Curves, I celebrated my weight loss by sharing a deep fried snack platter appetizer at lunch with a buddy of mine. It was good. I eventually paid for it (some indigestion this evening...prior to taking the new meds) but it was yummy. This was followed up by a tour of the Canadian History Museum (aka Museum of Civilizations). It used to be my favourite museum in Ottawa but they're currently renovating it and changing a bunch of stuff so a lot of it was closed off to the public which puts a bit of a damper on it. I'm sure it will be awesome once it's done but that's not for another few years. It was still cool to see the Canadian Hall, which is may favourite section. They have re-creations of buildings and homes, schools and churches and they have real artifacts in each area. And some very life-like mannequins that are rather creepy.

By the time we were done at the museum, the fog had really rolled in. That's what happens when warm air hits cold snow and a cold river. And it was pouring rain too. Traffic wasn't too bad and I got dropped off at the mall so that I cold get my prescriptions filled. I remembered to by lottery tickets yet forgot to buy milk. D'oh! Now I don't have milk for my morning tea/coffee. Dammit. Guess I know what I'm doing first thing tomorrow. Either that or I'll be drinking green tea.

All in all, it was a very interesting day and enjoyable for the most part. It would have been nicer if I could have walked the museum rather than limped it, but hopefully these meds help and I can get back to normal. If not, I'll be seeing my doctor (if he shows up) sooner than my planned visit in May.

I should toddle off to bed (aka curl up in bed and read for another half hour or so) as I need to get a lot of stuff done this weekend. Another busy week ahead!

Good Night!

Sarah

Amazing, right??!!

Day 1: Sugar = No. Sinus Cold = Yes.

So today is Ash Wednesday, for those who follow the Western Christian calendar. For those unfamiliar with the concept, Ash Wednesday is the kick off to Lent and it occurs 46 days before Easter. The story goes that Matthew, Mark, Luke and Jesus spent 40 days and 40 nights fasting in the desert while being tempted by Satan (I guess he had nothing better to do). The purpose of Lent has changed over the millennia and basically it boils down to giving up some sort of luxury or benefit in your life as a way of paying penitence for your sins. Now if you've been paying attention, you'll notice that we're missing 6 days in the math. The extra 6 days account for the Sundays between now and Easter and those are kind of like a day off. Fast for 6 days and feast on the 7th. Anyhow, back to my point. Since I am neither overly religious (much more spiritual really) nor do I believe that I commit many sins, I use Lent as a time of motivation. A period to make positive changes in my life and use it as a motivating factor. And with a little hope that God, the Goddess and the Universe all help me out a little and give me some extra strength and will power.

As I mentioned in my previous blog, I'm giving up sugar for Lent. To clarify, I'm giving up any foods with "added" sugar in them, as well as high fructose corn syrup and other bad sugars. Anything that has naturally occurring sugars like fruit and milk are ok.

It just so happens that the World Health Organization published an announcement today asking people to consume no more than 6 teaspoons of sugar a day. They go on to say that no more than 10% of your daily calories should come from sugar but would prefer it if people could make that 5% instead.

Sugar is everywhere. It's in things that you'd never think of it being in. One tablespoon of ketchup has almost 1 full teaspoon of sugar in it. Even one serving of the Sour Cream and Onion Crispy Minis that I have has 1 gram of sugar in it. A lot of processed foods have sugar in them. A lot of "diet" or "low fat" foods have added sugar to help with the taste. It's very overwhelming when you stop to think about it.

I'm kicking the habit so I'm going to do what I can to avoid sugar for the next 40 days. I dawned on my today that my dad's 60th birthday falls during this 40 day period so that's going to be a tough one. But my aim isn't to be perfect, just much more aware.

Day 1 went well. Mostly due to the fact that I'm rather sick with a nasty sinus cold right now. I remember to buy sugar free cough/throat drops and I used honey in my tea this morning. Once I'm feeling better, I'm going to have to hit up the grocery store for a new cereal as my favourite one here has added sugar in it. I'm also trying to find some recipes online for no-sugar granola and breakfast bars. I'm sure I'll be a little more motivated when I'm finally feeling better.

My night time cold medication is kicking in so I'd better log off before I fall asleep at my computer and get snot/drool all over the keyboard (that's a pretty image eh?).

Good Night!

Sarah

Ice Storm, Christmas, New Year's and Merlin.

So it would appear that I haven't written for a while. I haven't written for 2 months and 26 days in fact. I don't know I haven't written. Just didn't feel like it I guess. I formulated a couple blogs in my head but never had the energy or drive to get them out and onto the screen. I guess I needed a break.

I'll bring you up to speed.

I'm still employed. I'm still single. I'm still broke and I'm still going to Curves. So that would be great, not so good, really shitty and fantastic.

Christmas was lovely. Went home for a week and got to spend time with my family. Thankfully, none of us got sick this year which is good, because I still haven't fully forgiven Typhoid Stephen for giving me the stomach flu last Christmas. It's been over a year and I still can't bring myself to eat cranberries.

The day after my arrival at home, mother nature blessed us with an ice storm. Not quite on the same scale at the one that Ottawa received back in 1998, but it was pretty impressive none the less. We were very lucky and only lost power for a very short period of time. 2 minutes the first time and 10 minutes the 2nd time to be precise. The next door neighbour and the one across the street both lost power after a limb from our tree took down the line (that sound you heard was my mother correcting me and saying that it was the city's tree and not ours. Minor detail. It's on our lawn!). Anyhow, the line was live but it was blocking the road so the nice people at the Hydro company came and cut it, thus knocking out power to both houses.

I got to test out my new "winter tracks" when dad suggested that we go for a walk around the neighbourhood and check out the damage. The damn things worked and I stayed vertical while facing a great fear of mine. I'm terrified of ice. We walked in the middle of the road and everyone froze the second we heard a cracking tree branch as a lot of the tree limbs were still falling. But hey, you've got to do something a little stupid every now and then, right? Besides, it was my dad's idea!

Adding to the excitement of the day came in the early afternoon when a tree around the corner caught fire. Ironically, the house where it happened is owned by a Fire Fighter. The cool part was watching the wreath that was hanging on the tree light up and sizzle as the electrical current ran through the tree. It was like a giant, live science demo.

Christmas Eve took on a fun twist when one of my oldest and dearest friends tagged along with us for dinner in order to avoid having to visit her mother-in-law. However, she made the kids go and see her. I'm not sure if that's cruel or just plain old funny. I think I'm going to side with funny on that one. Kind of like our Christmas dinner. We were only expecting my grandfather to come for dinner. But when he arrived, I broke the bad news to my mom as I saw him helping my grandmother from the car (earlier she said that she was too sick to come). Dinner was interesting as, for the first time in my life, we had Ham for Christmas dinner and not turkey. A fact that my mother bitched about, non-stop, for almost a week straight. The kicker? She's the who bought the god damn ham! In the ham's defence, it was delicious and I loved it more than I like turkey so I wasn't upset about the swap at all. Anyhow, back to grandma. She spent most of dinner just pushing food around her plate and saying that she wasn't hungry. Things really got interesting when she asked for some extra strength Tylenol and then her and my grandpa got into a fight over whether or not she'd taken 2 aspirin before leaving the house. My father really didn't say much. Just kept looking at his plate a lot. And my mom drank more sherry with dinner than I've seen her drink in years. It all amused the hell out of me.

Now before you point out what a horrible daughter I am, rest assured that I'm fully aware that karma will be coming back to bite me in the ass over this. One day, hopefully in the really distant future, I'm going to be the one drinking the sherry and staring at my plate while my mom and dad bicker over drugs. Actually, it won't be sherry. It will be Bailey's.

This is a photo of my grandma from earlier in the day...she's hiding from my camera.

Moving on. I headed back to Ottawa just before New Year's Eve. Mostly because I was out of vacation days and had to go back to work. Also because a very good friend of mine was in town and I got invited to his parents' house for a NYE party. This also meant that I *finally* got to meet his awesome wife and see his wonderful little guy, who had the decency to sleep the entire time. I also got to try lobster for the first time and quite enjoyed it. Sadly the night flew by far too quickly but 2014 was ushered in with good cheer and some great people.

Not too much out of the ordinary has happened since then. I do have a bit of a "dating" conundrum going on at the moment but that can wait for another night as this blog is getting quite long. Seriously!? Why can't people just step up and say what they feel? If you're interested, just ask me out. It's not hard. Especially when I've told you that I want to get some face time with you. Clearly that means I'm interested, right?
Sorry, sorry. Just needed to vent a little.

Work is going well and so is Curves. I was there tonight. And now I'm very sore. Especially my back. Hello new muscle groups. Oh, and I've formed a slight addiction to the BBC tv show Merlin. I've been watching it on Netflix. No worries, I just have 1 last episode in season 4 and then all of season 5 to watch and I'm done.  Then I'll have to find a new series to get hooked on. I am behind on my Sherlock and Downton Abbey watching. It would appear that I'm on a British roll.

Anyhow, I have to go and finish doing up the dishes and then I'm going to relax and watch an episode of Merlin.

Hang in there. I might just very well be back.

Good Night!

Sarah

Happy New Year 2014!!!!

CONTROL!!!!!!! (And yes, I'm back)

I know. I haven't been blogging lately. It's not that I haven't had anything on my mind, it's more that I've had too much on my mind and I need the time to figure it out and process it myself. And I have to admit. Sometimes I feel very stupid sharing my miscellaneous ramblings because I don't think they make sense.

Anyhow, a lot has happened.

For starters, I found some sort of inner courage and along with 2 friends, I went out to a meet and greet event. Which lead to me meeting and greeting some people. This then lead to a coffee outing with one said person which turned out to be a very interesting and very enlightening event. Yes, it was a male and no, there weren't any sparks. But he's an interesting fellow who reminds me of someone I used to know. My little foray into the social world also lead to my first real date in 3 years. That was an adventure onto itself, which involved running into my ex (I don't think he saw me) and some verbal sparring over our own take on the world. Don't get your hopes up folks, I don't see this going anywhere. I'll keep you posted.

I took some time off and went home for Thanksgiving. I got to spend some awesome quality time with my parents, a short visit with my great aunt and uncle and my grandparents and I got to see my completely adorable niece. And my brother too. My niece is just starting to talk. I really do wish I could see her and talk to her more often. She really has no idea who I am. Thankfully she didn't run screaming from me so that's a major plus. The time off was great. I really needed it.

Work has been very stressful for the past few months. Why? It's been nothing but change. A new regime has taken over and are shaping our office to their vision. I've always been the type of person who's resistant to change but I've gotten much better working where I do. Change is an ever present constant in our place of work and I think I've done a pretty good job of adjusting to it. But there's just been so much change lately and it's happened so fast that I'm not sure what to make of all of it. And yeah, some of it's affecting me directly. My role will be changing. My responsibilities will be changing. And God's honest truth, I'm not entirely sure how I feel about that. I was angry about it for a little bit but that's subsided for the most part. Now I'm cautiously optimistic about it. Let's face it, it's the new management's purgative to make whatever changes they want and there isn't a damn thing I can do about it, so why should I stress out? I'm still employed. I'm still at the same level and pay grade. I'll still be doing some of what I do now plus some new tasks. And I have no control over it. So I just need to let it go. Roll with the punches. I need to focus on the things that I can control. Just like what my mom told me this morning: "Take it easy and don't stress out about things that you have no control over."

Sage advice if you ask me. Which leads me to what I got up to after work today... earlier this month, Steph and I went to the Women's Show. Had a blast, got a lot of free stuff, including me winning a 1 month membership to Curves. For those of you who don't know, Curves is an exercise facility designed for women only. I've been a big girl all my life. Call me plus-sized or full-figured or even obese (because clinically, I am) but just don't call me Fat. Fat is a substance, not a state of being. It's like me calling someone Jello. You can't be Jello any more than I can be Fat. Anyhow, lately my size has been bothering me. I'm not comfortable in my own skin anymore. A few weeks back I pulled a muscle in my back while trying to do up my bra. Not good. That's worse than the time I pulled the muscle in my neck by sneezing. I haven't been sleeping well. I've been fighting with my clothes because even my looser items are starting to get tight and I think I look like I'm stuffed sausage half the time when I go out. My weight has stopped me from enjoying some things that I like to do. So I knew that the time had come to make a real effort to change things. To get healthy. I love myself. And it's because I love myself that I know that I need to do this. I don't want to get type 2 diabetes. I don't want to increase my risk of heart disease or stroke or cancer. There's enough stuff in this world that can kill me. I don't want to be deliberately taking away my longevity by continuing on with the lifestyle I'm currently leading. I'm really good at failing. I've done it a lot. I know how to do it and am pretty darn good at it. But I've never really tried to fail at failing. So perhaps it's time I gave that whirl. I'm well aware that this endeavour isn't going to be an easy one. I'm sure it's going to be very difficult. And most likely painful. But all the the things in life worth doing are seldom easy. I have a plan. I have the means. I have the mind set. So let's do this. Let me actually control something I have some control over!

My first workout is tomorrow. I'll be sure to blog out that misadventure, providing I can lift my arms high enough to type. LOL.

Good Night!

Sarah

Really has nothing to do with the blog, I just like the duckies :)