Days 12 and 13: Brighter days and Brownies

I accidentally stayed up way past my bedtime last night and opted to go to bed rather than blogging. I think it was a wise choice.

I took Friday off work. I was worried that it wouldn't seem like a day off but it actually did. Only issue was that I kept thinking it was Saturday instead of Friday. Oops.

Started my day by sleeping in, then had a late breakfast and did two load of laundry. Kristina came over and we went for a walk in the gloriously awesome sunghine, maintaining a good distance. After the walk, it was too nice out to go inside so we sat across the street from my building (a meter a part) and chatted for almost an hour. We talked to an elderly woman who lost her husband in January and she's been dealing with suddenly being alone and now the whole social distancing thing. She decided that going for a walk was a good idea and we told her it was. Yes, I'm alone but I've had years of practice at it. Being alone was very new to her. I think she appreciated having someone to talk to, even just for a few minutes. I'm glad we were able to make her smile and even laugh a bit. I hope we brought a bit of joy to her day.

After Kristina left, I read for a bit and then ordered pizza for dinner as a treat. I've got to say, my bank account is looking a whole lot better since this social disancing thing started. I'm resisted the urge to shop online and I'm only ordering in once or twice a week. And I have enough pizza now to feed me for three days!

A lot of perfomers have been doing live online video steaming performanaces. One of my favourite bands, the Barenaked Ladies, performed one of my favourite songs, Lovers in a Dangerous Time (their version) the other day. It was awesome. Made me smile and think back to a few summers ago when I saw them perform live. It's awesome how music works as a time travel device. You can see the performance here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9DbChOUotfo

The weather wasn't as nice today. It was supposed to be sunny but that never happened. It stayed overcast but it was on the warm side and no rain so that was nice. I spent my morning doing more laundry and baking birthday brownies for Kristina (from scratch!). My apartment still smells like brownies, which is pretty awesome. Her birthday is tomorrow and I know it sucks that we can't all get together and go out to celebrate. Heck, I couldn't even get out to buy her a gift, but I could bake her brownies so that's what I did. I have a stash of birthday cards here so I was at least able to give her a nice card.

I've been going out only once a week, to stock up on groceries. Kristina asked if I wanted to go with her today, so that I could go to different stores that I've been hitting up. The trick was how to do that while keeping our social distance. Being that we both live alone and have both been following the government's call for social isolation, we figured that the risk to each other was minimal. But we still took precausions. Public Health says for those taking a Taxi or an Uber, you should ride in the back seat and keep the window down a bit to ensure fresh air is moving. So that's what we did. Kristina drove and I sat in the back passenger seat. It seemed a little silly at first but we got used to it pretty quickly. We both had hand sanitizer and used it as soon as we got back in the car after shopping. I had lysol wipes in my purse so I gave Kristina one when she stopped at the Costco gas bar to get gas for 59.9 cents a litre! As soon as I got home, I washed my hands and used a wipe to disinfect the tap, door handles, my cane, my keys and my phone. The ritual continues.

Today almost felt like a normal day. Except for the riding in the back seat, not being able to go out and eat and not being able to give my friend a birthday hug part. And now I'm re-stocked and will stay away from the stores for another week, possibly longer. All depends on how long my milk lasts.

I've got to give credit to all the people working in grocery stores. We stopped at two different stores for groceries. Both places had people spraying the carts and wiping them down for us. Both stores had tape on the floor near the cashes to help with social distancing. Both were wiping down the cash area after each person. Both places had plexiglass to protect the cashiers. I have to wonder if this will become a new norm gong forward. I can totally see the plexiglass being left up at the cashes. Kind of makes sense really. And I didn't feel like it took away anything from the interaction or made it less "personal". All the employees we encountered were quite cheerful (except one but I'm noing to dwell on the negative) and I thank them for that. We're all stuck in a tough situation and seeing that others are still being cheerful and helpful is heart warming.

Not sure what I'm going to get up to tomorrow, but I do think some folding and putting away of clean laundry is in my furture. We're in for a lot of rain and a possible thunder storm tomorrow. Sounds like a good day to curl up with my book and a nice cup of tea.

"Our greatness has always come from people who expect nothing and take nothing for granted - folks who work hard for what they have, then reach back and help others after them." - Michelle Obama

...and I'm back. For now.

Hello all you out there in internet land!

I stopped making New Year's Resolutions a few years ago. I decided that just trying to be a better version of myself and a kinder human being wasn't something that I just resolve to do, it should be something that I just do, so I went with it. However, this year I decided that it would be a good idea to start writing again. This is as close as I'm going to get to a New Year's Resolution, so here we go.

I just returned from spending 11 or so days with my parents. I survived and didn't freeze to death. They survived my complaining about how cold their house is, so all is well. I spent half my time wondering if they'd been this crazy all my life and I hadn't noticed until now and spent the other half wondering how I'm going to survive once they're gone. I can't fathom a world that doesn't have them in it. We discovered a British TV show together, called Mrs. Brown's Boys. If you haven't watched it, go do so. Like now. It's on Netflix. I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. Watching my mom and dad laugh was one of the greatest joys I've had in a long time. They seem so much younger when they're laughing. 

I saw my brother for about a nano second. He came through, showed up with my sister in law and two nieces and managed to spend a couple hours with us on Christmas Eve afternoon. That's it. Two hours and a bit. It's the first time my parents have seen him since August (same here for that matter). I think I said all of five words to him. I was too busy spending quality time with my niece and was too worried that I'd strangle him if we were left alone for any length of time. I was able to see my niece again after Christmas and she spent most of the day with us. She's an amusing little so and so and I can't figure out how so much attitude can fit into something so tiny. She is in the "why" phase. When you tell her something, she asks "why". I took that challenge head on. Instead of the standard adult answer of "because I said so", I'd give her an answer. Sometimes it was a legit answers and sometimes I was totally making it up. Either way, she seemed happy and she only called me on a bullshit answer once. 

Other than that, I didn't see much other family. Just my great Aunt and Uncle. They're awesome. They give me duct tape every year for Christmas. I could build a fucking ark with the amount of duct tape I am new in possession of. And every roll is different. My Aunt finds some pretty wicked patterns. I love it. 

My dad nearly broke my heart this morning though. While waiting for a very late train to arrive (no surprise there, the fucker is never on time, even in good weather), he asked me if I wanted to stay longer. When I asked why, he said "I've gotten used to having you around." Just fucking shoot me now. Leaving them after a visit is one of the hardest things I have to do in this life and then my dad says that. It hurt so much. Still does. But I had to go. I had to get back to my life here. I wish I could just hit a pause button and flit back and forth between both worlds whenever I liked but I don't have the science back ground for that. So I shall continue on, living with the guilt I feel of being far away from my parents and family. There are some weeks that I would give up almost anything to be able to go and just have Sunday dinner with them. My dad even BBQ'd steaks in the -20 weather for me (and Mom). Now that's love.

Now I'm back, in my tiny, quiet apartment. It seems even smaller than normal tonight and it feels quite empty tonight as well. I know from experience that that feeling will start to fade over the next few days and things will be back to normal soon, but until then, my heart is going to hurt a little and the silence is going to be a bit louder than usual. 

Alas, I have to return to the real world tomorrow and be an adult. And it all starts with French class at 9am. Le sigh. More on that later.

Good Night!

Sarah

A photo I snapped of Lake Ontario. I took it from the train on my way home today.

Switzerland

I've been feeling a lot like Switzerland lately. As in the "neutral party stuck between two warring factions" sort of way.

Have you ever been stuck in the middle of a situation, where you're the neutral party and have nothing to do with the conflict, but are being dragged into by both warring sides and are now collateral damage? 

Welcome to my world. And it's only getting worse. 

Several months ago (and I mean more than 6 months ago), something happened which caused a stunningly huge rift to form between my mother and my brother. Best part? Both of them are in the wrong. My mother technically caused it but my brother could have prevented it so I'm calling it even there. They haven't spoken since, except for when I was home. 

And they both keep bitching to me about the other one, both blame the other one and both are playing the victim like they're up for a fucking Oscar. 

I called my brother back in the summer while my parents were away. I spent 7 minutes on the phone with him (yes, I checked the timer). Not once did he ask me how I was doing, or what I was doing or how my summer was going or when was I coming to visit or how was work....nope. Just bitched about my parents and answered some questions I asked about my niece.

I'll be talking to my mom or emailing with my mom and she'll slide in a "have your heard from your brother lately" and no matter what my answer is, a rant then follows. I can't win.

And of course, my sister-in-law is adding drama to the situation, saying that if this isn't sorted out by Christmas, she and the kids won't come over to my parents' house for our Christmas because it's too much of a tense and volatile situation. To hear her talk, she's making my mother out to be a monster. Yes, my mom has a temper but it's not like she's deliberately mean and when all is said and done, that's still my mom you're putting down and I don't need to hear that!!!!

That's the root of this issue. My brother basically replaced my Mom,Dad and I with an instant family of his own. Right from the get go, it was all about her and her family and my parents got pushed to the back burner. And then my brother has the audacity  to complain that my parents never make an effort to see him and the kids. That's rich. He's never come to visit me. He never calls me to say hello. Hell, if it wasn't for the fact that my niece exists, I'd never speak to him. If I was ever kidnapped, he'd never to be able to tell the cops anything about me, my job or my life here. And while that bothers me, I don't think it bothers him at all.

I found out this week that he'd hurt himself and actually popped a rib. I asked him why he didn't tell me and he just said he was busy. When I mentioned it to my sister in law, she said "I never though to tell you.".

Yup. That perfectly summarizes my relationship with them.  I've come to terms with that and I make an effort because of my niece. My step nephew is pretty cool too but I never get to see him/talk to him.  And my step-niece is a teenager so she's not interested in any of us dumb adults and I get that. 

Anyhow, getting back to the situation at hand. My mother and my brother are cut from the same cloth. They both have the same temper and they're both giant, stubborn assess. 

My mother refuses to apologize because she feels that she doesn't get any respect from my brother and his family and my brother refuses to make contact first because my mom won't apologize and he just keeps saying "it's a 2-way street".

My Dad is collateral damage too. He can't say anything to my mother because she'll yell at him and bite his head off (I have the same problem) and my brother hasn't spoken to him - no fucking idea why. But he's not helping the situation either. He won't reach out to my brother either.

So, here we are. 5 weeks before Christmas and my Christmas is pretty much more or less ruined already. The anxiety knot in my stomach grows bigger every day. I'm not excited about Christmas at all. 

I see my friends on Facebook posting photos of them decorating their homes with their families and talking about how excited they are for Christmas and all the fun they're going to have with their families and it just makes me more and more sad. I went to the Santa Claus parade on Saturday and nearly broke out in tears at 3 different times. I kept looking at all the kids around me, so excited about Christmas and Santa and it broke my heart. 

I don't live near my family. I'm 6 hour away from them.

I'm never going to get to take my niece to see Santa. I don't get to go Christmas shopping and have lunch with my mom or help my parents decorate the house anymore. All I have left is when my brother and his family comes over to celebrate Christmas with my parents and I. I get to bake cookies with my niece and for a little while, I feel normal and not so alone in the world.

But it doesn't look like that's going to happen this year. 

When I lived out west, I spent a Christmas alone. Had some friends over for dinner and had a nice time. I'm starting to think that staying here, all on my own, would be better than going home.  Maybe that will make the knot in my stomach leave. At least I know it would be drama free and I wouldn't have to deal with anyone bitching or getting angry or being hurt and moody. I wouldn't have to deal with any tension.

Maybe I should just say screw them all and take off to a beach resort for a week and spending Christmas sitting on a beach, in the sun, reading a good book. 

Either here alone or on the beach, I wouldn't have to continue to be hurt by two people who are supposed to love me. 

I hate being stuck in the middle of a situation that I can't do one good god damned thing about. It's killing me. I'm anxious, stressed out and will soon be drinking pepto straight from the bottle. 

I also feel guilty. Maybe if I didn't live so far away, things wouldn't have gotten this bad. Maybe if I'd been there, nothing would have happened. 

I wonder if Switzerland ever felt guilty? 

I am honestly, completely, and am totally at a loss as to what to do. 

Bah Fucking Humbug.

Happy New Blog

So I guess it's been a while eh? Over a year in fact. 

I'm writing this as a gift to my mother, who repeatedly has told me that she's getting tired of reading the same blog post. Even though so knows that I haven't been writing, she checks my blog every morning. I'm glad to know that I have at least one dedicated reader. 

So 2016 is upon us and I have to say, I'm happy to see it. It's not because 2015 was a bad year, because it wasn't, it's just that I have a gut feeling about 2016 and it's a good gut feeling.

It's off to a good start so far. I spent NYE with my friend MA. We stuffed our faces, watched a movie and toasted with Sparkling fruit juice at Midnight. We're real wild women aren't we? Today I helped her cook a feast fit for royalty and joined her and 3 others for a very wonderful turkey dinner. One of the friends I've met before and I think she's a hoot. The other 2 were people I was meeting for the first time. We all hit it off and had a grand ol' time. Food was enjoyed, stories were shared. Laughter rang out and smiles were abundant. We're not even 24 hours into 2016 and I've already been social and made a couple of new friends. I certainly hope this is a trend that continues into 2016. 

Looking back, 2015 was a pretty good year. I got to spend time with several people who are near and dear to my heart. My last blog was written 4 days after I started a new job. I'm still there! I've settled in and have learnt pretty much everything about how it works. It's still a bit of a work in progress but it is progressing. It's quite far from being my dream job, but it pays the bills and it's serving its purpose as a stepping stone and learning opportunity on my path. 

In May, I headed home for my birthday and had a great (but short) visit with my family. 

June saw a new owner taking over my apartment building. This has been a good thing. They've made some fantastic improvements. I'm still living in the same crappy apartment but it's now a slightly less crappy one thanks to the improvements. My balcony garden was a pretty awesome one this year and I added a new hibiscus plant to my collection. 

I headed East in August to visit on my oldest friend (as in the friend I've known the longest) and we had ourselves a great adventure in PEI and the Moncton area of NB. I went swimming in the Ocean which I haven't done since I was kid, I saw a jellyfish (didn't get stung!) and walked on the Ocean floor in New Brunswick. I got to visit with all her boys and made a friend for life with her cat, even though I'm quite allergic.  I'm pretty sure that I've fallen in love with PEI. This could end up being an expensive obsession.

The end of August/start of September brought me a very welcome visitor from BC. I got a chance to play tour guide once again in my fabulous city and get caught up with one of my favourite people. The first weekend we nearly melted it was so hot. The 2nd weekend, we nearly froze and were quite damp around the edges. LOL. Gotta love Canadian weather.

I got a real treat in October when my parents came to visit me for Thanksgiving. This was a first. They've never been here for Thanksgiving before. It was a great but way to short visit. I even managed to cook a spectacular turkey dinner with all the fixings in my slightly less crappy little apartment. 

I just got back from my Christmas holidays 2 days ago. I had a nice, long visit with my parents. It's funny. No matter how long I'm home, it never feels like it's long enough. Every time I get on the train and I wave good bye are we're pulling away from the station, my heart breaks a little. You'd think I would be used to it by now, but no, I'm not. 2016 marks me having lived away for home for 19 years. That's the same amount of time that I lived at home. And yet I still get crazy excited when I get to see my parents and I get sad and heart broken when I have to leave or they have to leave. Part of the heart break is that I know that they're getting old. I don't want them to get old. The older they get, the closer I get to having to say a final goodbye to them. That's something I can't fathom doing. My humble words can't begin to convey how amazing my parents are or how lucky I am to be their daughter. I honestly have no idea what I'd do without them and I hope and pray that it's a good long time before I have to find out how to do that. 

So, in a nutshell, that was 2015. I'm keeping the faith that 2016 will beat 2015 in awesomeness. I hope I get to spend even more time with those near and dear to me. I hope I get to see even more of my country or even the world. I hope I smile more. And laugh more. Spend more carefree days at the beach or wandering my city. I hope to convert more strangers into friends. I hope to worry less and let more things go. I hope to love myself more and take better care of me. I hope to read more amazing books and watch less television. I hope to hear my soul sing more and hope to keep shorter chains on my demons. I hope to love more. And most of all, I hope to live more in 2016.

Let's do this!

Good Night!!

Sarah

Cavendish Beach, PEI

Ice Storm, Christmas, New Year's and Merlin.

So it would appear that I haven't written for a while. I haven't written for 2 months and 26 days in fact. I don't know I haven't written. Just didn't feel like it I guess. I formulated a couple blogs in my head but never had the energy or drive to get them out and onto the screen. I guess I needed a break.

I'll bring you up to speed.

I'm still employed. I'm still single. I'm still broke and I'm still going to Curves. So that would be great, not so good, really shitty and fantastic.

Christmas was lovely. Went home for a week and got to spend time with my family. Thankfully, none of us got sick this year which is good, because I still haven't fully forgiven Typhoid Stephen for giving me the stomach flu last Christmas. It's been over a year and I still can't bring myself to eat cranberries.

The day after my arrival at home, mother nature blessed us with an ice storm. Not quite on the same scale at the one that Ottawa received back in 1998, but it was pretty impressive none the less. We were very lucky and only lost power for a very short period of time. 2 minutes the first time and 10 minutes the 2nd time to be precise. The next door neighbour and the one across the street both lost power after a limb from our tree took down the line (that sound you heard was my mother correcting me and saying that it was the city's tree and not ours. Minor detail. It's on our lawn!). Anyhow, the line was live but it was blocking the road so the nice people at the Hydro company came and cut it, thus knocking out power to both houses.

I got to test out my new "winter tracks" when dad suggested that we go for a walk around the neighbourhood and check out the damage. The damn things worked and I stayed vertical while facing a great fear of mine. I'm terrified of ice. We walked in the middle of the road and everyone froze the second we heard a cracking tree branch as a lot of the tree limbs were still falling. But hey, you've got to do something a little stupid every now and then, right? Besides, it was my dad's idea!

Adding to the excitement of the day came in the early afternoon when a tree around the corner caught fire. Ironically, the house where it happened is owned by a Fire Fighter. The cool part was watching the wreath that was hanging on the tree light up and sizzle as the electrical current ran through the tree. It was like a giant, live science demo.

Christmas Eve took on a fun twist when one of my oldest and dearest friends tagged along with us for dinner in order to avoid having to visit her mother-in-law. However, she made the kids go and see her. I'm not sure if that's cruel or just plain old funny. I think I'm going to side with funny on that one. Kind of like our Christmas dinner. We were only expecting my grandfather to come for dinner. But when he arrived, I broke the bad news to my mom as I saw him helping my grandmother from the car (earlier she said that she was too sick to come). Dinner was interesting as, for the first time in my life, we had Ham for Christmas dinner and not turkey. A fact that my mother bitched about, non-stop, for almost a week straight. The kicker? She's the who bought the god damn ham! In the ham's defence, it was delicious and I loved it more than I like turkey so I wasn't upset about the swap at all. Anyhow, back to grandma. She spent most of dinner just pushing food around her plate and saying that she wasn't hungry. Things really got interesting when she asked for some extra strength Tylenol and then her and my grandpa got into a fight over whether or not she'd taken 2 aspirin before leaving the house. My father really didn't say much. Just kept looking at his plate a lot. And my mom drank more sherry with dinner than I've seen her drink in years. It all amused the hell out of me.

Now before you point out what a horrible daughter I am, rest assured that I'm fully aware that karma will be coming back to bite me in the ass over this. One day, hopefully in the really distant future, I'm going to be the one drinking the sherry and staring at my plate while my mom and dad bicker over drugs. Actually, it won't be sherry. It will be Bailey's.

This is a photo of my grandma from earlier in the day...she's hiding from my camera.

Moving on. I headed back to Ottawa just before New Year's Eve. Mostly because I was out of vacation days and had to go back to work. Also because a very good friend of mine was in town and I got invited to his parents' house for a NYE party. This also meant that I *finally* got to meet his awesome wife and see his wonderful little guy, who had the decency to sleep the entire time. I also got to try lobster for the first time and quite enjoyed it. Sadly the night flew by far too quickly but 2014 was ushered in with good cheer and some great people.

Not too much out of the ordinary has happened since then. I do have a bit of a "dating" conundrum going on at the moment but that can wait for another night as this blog is getting quite long. Seriously!? Why can't people just step up and say what they feel? If you're interested, just ask me out. It's not hard. Especially when I've told you that I want to get some face time with you. Clearly that means I'm interested, right?
Sorry, sorry. Just needed to vent a little.

Work is going well and so is Curves. I was there tonight. And now I'm very sore. Especially my back. Hello new muscle groups. Oh, and I've formed a slight addiction to the BBC tv show Merlin. I've been watching it on Netflix. No worries, I just have 1 last episode in season 4 and then all of season 5 to watch and I'm done.  Then I'll have to find a new series to get hooked on. I am behind on my Sherlock and Downton Abbey watching. It would appear that I'm on a British roll.

Anyhow, I have to go and finish doing up the dishes and then I'm going to relax and watch an episode of Merlin.

Hang in there. I might just very well be back.

Good Night!

Sarah

Happy New Year 2014!!!!

Down 2 and Up 10,000

Guess what? At some point in the last week, my lowly little blog cracked 10,000 page views. That's kind of awesome. I've said it before and I'll say it again. I can't believe anyone actually reads my ramblings. I still can't get over how much writing this blog has helped me. It's funny how something so simple can be so effective. I'm truly looking forward to the next 10,000 page views milestone.

Anyhow....It's been a crazy week at the office and it's been a short week too since I had Monday off. For some odd reason, short weeks seem to feel long. I dunno. Maybe it's our desire to get back to the weekend again. I started my new position on Monday. It hasn't been a totally smooth transition as I'm still doing some of the old duties until the new person is fully equipped and up and running. I've been kept rather busy with my new tasks though, so that's good. Keeps me out of trouble that way. My boss reminded me to look into the available training sessions and let him know which ones I'd like to take and if there were any other tools that I feel that I need in order to become an expert with my new position. Sounds like a good idea.

I survived another week of Curves. I even got off my duff and went to the gym on my day odd. Braved the snow/sleet to do so too. I felt pretty great about it when I got home too. As a result of not being at my home club on Monday, we moved my weigh in day to Wednesday. The scale was kind. I lost 2lbs! So I'm down a total of 6.5 in my first 2 weeks. I'm quite happy with those numbers. I just have to keep an eye on the eating plan portion and try not to slide too much. I'm supposed to go out for lunch tomorrow so I'll have to work that into my day. I'm on a quest to find more healthy recipes to try out. Which just gives me a good excuse to kill entire evenings on Pinterest (like I need an excuse). That makes me happy.

While in the grocery store earlier this week, I couldn't help but notice how odd and strange some of the so called "healthy" foods are. I swear to god that I thought they were selling a bag of bird seed in the cereal aisle. I had to actually pick it up and read the label to confirm that it wasn't actually bird seed. It was some sort of muesli or granola. I dunno. It still looked an awful lot like the wild bird seed mix that I get to put on my balcony. It also baffles me as to how expensive 'healthy' food is. For example, 355ml bottles of Pomegranate juice are on 2/$5. Meanwhile, 2L bottles of pop are on 4/$5. Apples are $1.89lb (so maybe 4 apples) where as big bags of photo chips are 2/$3. Sigh. I'm getting low on peanut butter too. I really need that to go on sale soon. The hard part for me is working more vegetables into my meals. I'm kind of a picky eater when it comes to veggies. I only really like a select few: broccoli, cauliflower, raw carrots, mushrooms (cooked), turnip(rutabaga) and brussel sprouts. The turnip that I like is counted as a starch on my meal plan so I can't go hog wild with it. I'm on the fence with cabbage and cucumbers. Some days I like them and some days I don't. I guess the same could be said for celery. I'm not a fan of it cooked though. I'm going to have to get creative.


Maybe while I'm looking for recipes on Pinterest, I'll find some good gift ideas for my parents. I'm struggling to find something to get them and my mother isn't being overly helpful. I ask for a list and my mom gave me 2 items. I told that that didn't count as a list. Sigh. Yes, I know that the spirit and meaning of Christmas isn't about presents and material items. It's just that they give me so much through out the year that I'd like to be able to give them a little something back. To show them how much I love them and appreciate all that they do for me. My Christmas holidays are a month and 6 days away (not that I'm counting).

I need to go and get ready for bed. I work up at 4:21 this morning, got up and went pee, came back to bed and then couldn't sleep. I think I drifted off for about 15 minutes between then and when the alarm went off at 6. It was brutal. I'm hoping that a repeat doesn't occur this evening.

Good Night!

Sarah

Smiling on a sunny day!

Is the Glass Half Full or Half Empty? Or is it Just a Glass?

Has anyone seen my "Happy Ever After"? It seems to be missing and I'd really like to find it.

A strange thing just happened to me. While surfing on Pinterest (I'd said it before and I'll say it again, it's a dangerous site), I kept seeing a lot of photos of various landmarks in Europe. Touring the UK and Western Europe is a dream of mine. So tonight, I'm daydreaming away, pinning new picks and mentally planning my dream trip when I suddenly realized that I was planning it alone. As in, I was mentally planning a solo trip. My subconscious just naturally took that assumption in. Then I realized that it's something I almost always do. Whenever I get a fit of whimsy and I decide to price out a cool vacation just for shits and giggles, I always look at single occupancy rates (which sucks because they're higher!!). When did I start doing that? When did my brain just start assuming that I'd be alone when I did stuff like this?

I used to daydream about romantic getaways and dream vacations with a yet unknown Mr. X but that seems to had faded away. I'm not quite sure what to think about that.

Kind of like the other day at lunch. The ladies I dine with were talking about what the weekend plans had held and one of them said that she spent some time alone and how great it was to have some "me" time and awesome it is to just get the opportunity to spend a few hours by yourself from time to time. All I could think was that's how I spend 90% of my time and I can't really see why you're so excited about it. And again, I realized that when I sit down and start to plan my weekends out, I plan stuff to do on my own. I just seem to assume that I'm flying solo and I plan from there. Not sure when that started either. I haven't been consciously aware of the fact that I'm doing it.

I really don't know how I should feel about these realizations.

I don't know if I should be incredibly sad that my own subconscious seems to have given up hope or if I should feel empowered that I'm strong enough, brave enough and independent enough not to be terrified of the thought of venturing out into the world on my own.

Am I reacting to some subtle message from the Universe that said that I'm not meant to find a mate. That I'm supposed to go it alone and my mind is protecting me from future hurt by getting me used to spending so much time alone now? Or have I just simply decided that I don't need someone else to define me. To make me happy. I'm enough on my own. I'm all I need and thus can continue on a solo path and still find a blissful happiness?

Tonight isn't a "glass is half empty" night. It's not a "glass is half full" night either. Tonight's the kind of night where all I know is that there's a glass and a whole mess of questions. Questions who's answers are all written in the stars.

Good Night.

Sarah.

Growth

One thing that most of us have in common is the need, desire and drive for personal growth. Some people seem to be able to accomplish this better than others. And after something I discovered today, I think I'm doing a pretty good job at it too.

To gauge our growth, we have to look to the past and evaluate the people we were then and then people we are now. I'm not a big fan of doing that. I try hard not to live in the past. And I try very hard to not let bad memories/experiences from the past have a negative influence on things I do now. For someone who hates change, I'm doing a fairly decent job at embracing it.

Since I have a 4 day long weekend and have a friend coming to visit in 3 weeks, I decided that this weekend would be a good time to start my spring cleaning. I made some really good headway on Friday and threw out a lot of stuff that wasn't useful anymore and was just taking up space. Yesterday I decided that I needed to find a new way to store my shoes/boots/sandals. There's not enough room in the hall closet for them and their current location of being in a pile by the door doesn't work well, especially since I keep tripping over them and then when I go hunting for a pair, I can only find one half since I've punted the other one halfway across the kitchen. Anyhow, I remembered that I have two large plastic bins in my closet (currently being used as a shelf for my TP and Kleenex). I thought that one of them might be a good container for my shoes. So this evening, I decide to grab one and clean it out.

These bins have been in the closet since I moved back from Calgary...4 years ago. I have no idea what's in them really. I think I've only opened them once or twice since I moved back. The bin I grabbed contained a whole mess of misc. items: Birthday cards from family and friends, note cards, a couple Christmas cards, souvenirs from various trips, post cards from friends and family, a couple of neat things from my past that I decided somewhere along the way that I wanted to keep (like the interview I did with Sean M. from Great Big Sea...which my buddy Kevin got the band to sign for me when he met them!). A lot of it brought back a whole bunch of memories. I ended up throwing out 2/3s of the box.

The me from 4+ years ago found some need to keep a lot of this stuff, but the me today didn't. Somewhere in the last 4 years, I've grown and emotionally developed enough to put away those parts of my past. Sure, I did keep a few sentimental things. I kept a few cards from my parents that had supportive and motivations messages from them inside. Who doesn't need a little pick me up every now and again eh? And I did keep the last birthday card that my Gram sent me before she passed away. Seeing her hand writing on the page made me smile and miss her tremendously. I also found the copy of the Tennyson Guyer poem "The World Is Mine" that my Gram gave me when I was a little girl. I kept that too.

I also found something that I really no flipping idea what I was thinking when I decided to keep it. It's my journal from mid 2000 off and on until mid-2002. I could feel the negativity coming off it in waves without evening opening the book. Those were some of the darkest times of my life. I was so un-sure of myself. So depressed and frustrated yet there were pockets of hope. Why the hell did I keep it?? I only read a few random pages in it but it was enough to remind myself that I never want to go back to that place again. Keeping it the last time I came across it was a mistake. I believe that you can only make any one mistake once because the next time you make it, it's not a mistake, it's a choice. So this time, I'm choosing to get rid of it. Burning it seems like a fantastic idea. LOL. I'm more likely going to tear it to shreds and just toss it out however. I don't want to risk anyone thinking that I'm attempting to burn my apartment down. The memories of those years are in my brain. I've learnt from my mistakes, have grown and moved on. I don't need the visual reminder.

Four years ago, when faced with the same task as today, I couldn't bring myself to throw a lot of that box away. But today, I did. That is growth. That is emotional development. That is making peace with the past and moving on. And all of that makes me very happy and quite proud of myself.

Speaking of being proud of ones self, I pulled off a couple of culinary firsts for myself this evening. I cooked a prime rib roast for the first time (just a little, one rib one) and it turned out perfectly! My mom would have loved it since it was nice and juicy. Dad would have hated it. He's a well done kind of guy. LOL. I also make Yorkshire Pudding for the first time ever. They were actually really easy and turned out quite well. I really enjoyed my dinner and I have a lot left over. It's dinners like these that make me wish I had someone to share them with. I really do enjoy cooking for others, especially if they're willing to do the dishes up in return.

I think I'm going to try to get more cleaning and some laundry done tomorrow and I might just venture out to see if I can find some reduced to clear Easter chocolate.

Good Night!

Sarah

My little Yorkshire Puddings

Happy Red Day

Work was crazy. We made over 200 bags of candy to sell for our candy grams. Thankfully I had some help. I'm sick of seeing those damn bags though. LOL. Everyone loved them though. It was great seeing the smiles  on everyone's faces when we delivered the candy grams. In addition to this, we had a bake sale. It wasn't as successful as others we've done but we still sold almost everything.

Somewhere in between all of those things, work was done. And there was a lot of it. We're very busy bees :)

My Valentine's Day was pretty good. I got a very sweet card from my parents, candy from my co-workers and I bought myself a dozen yellow roses. They're beautiful. And my slice of cheesecake was great!!

I got to have lunch with a friend from high school today too. It was fun seeing him again. It's funny how people can pop up in your life again. Usually I don't appreciate it when people re-appear. In this case, I think I'm good with it. I like helping people out when I can.

After a late night of baking cupcakes, I'm very sleepy so this blog is going to be a short one. My bed is calling to me and I can't wait to climb in. I'm uber happy that tomorrow is Friday.

I wish all of you a world of love.

Good Night!

Sarah

St. Valentine's Day

Tomorrow is St. Valentine's Day. A day dedicated to love and romance all thanks to a Christian who was martyred way back when. There are numerous stories but the most popular one is said that this particular man, who later became a saint, performed marriages for soldiers who happened to be forbidden to marry and he healed the daughter of one of his captures. The whole notion of romance being linked to St. Valentine's Day doesn't really crop up until the somewhere around the middle ages / 15th Century.

Anyhow, I happen to be single. This means that I'm socially obligated to hate Valentine's Day. But I'm going to let you in on a little secret. I don't hate it. In face, I love it!!

I have tried to hate it before. Gotten all sad and lonely, but that had more to do with depression than anything. Truthfully, I think it's a fun day. Yes, I agree that you should tell the people that you love that you love them every day but this is the one day for OVER THE TOP kind of love and romance and just plain cheezy silliness. I love cinnamon hearts (got a funny story about a friend who sent her bf a bunch of cinnamon hearts one year..only to discover he hated them...LOL) and I love the goofy, cheezy stuffed bears and my god, do I love the flowers. I mean it. I love flowers. Real ones of course. People at work try to bribe me all the time for supplies or info and they never succeed. Now if they showed up with a bunch of beautiful gerber daisies...that might get them somewhere. I'm a sucker for flowers. I buy them for myself all the time just because I love having them around, and if I were to wait for a man to buy me some.... LOL. I'm pretty sure that a man has given me flowers only 3-4 times in my life and that includes my dad giving me 16 pink roses on my 16th birthday. I love the little kids Valentine's Day cards that they fill out and make paper bag envelopes for. I all just makes me smile.

So every year, I treat myself to something for Valentine's Day. This year, I got my hair cut. It's only been 10 months since the last time I had it cut! Oops. I had nearly 4 inches taken off and it feels amazing. I feel amazing. Hell, I even shaved my legs tonight!! Still need to do my nails though.... And I baked cupcakes. But those are for work. We're having a bake sale tomorrow and we're selling Candy Grams too. I spent an hour along with 2 co-workers stuffing bags full of candy. I'm sick of looking at the candy already.

I do have a Valentine's Day tradition. I rent/watch a movie where lots of stuff get blown up (so usually a Die Hard or Lethal Weapon movie), order Chinese Food and have a slice of cheesecake for dessert. This year, the violent movie will be replaced with a new episode of The Big Bang Theory, the Chinese food will be replaced with pasta (watching my wallet and waistline) but I'm still having the cheesecake... if I remember to take it out of the freezer.

I do admit that Valentine's Day is one of those days when it does kind of suck to be single. And don't give me that old line about not really celebrating it or it not mattering much. I've never got to celebrate Valentine's Day with someone special. Murphy's Law I guess. I tend to break up with guys before it and not meet new ones until after it. Even if you've been married for 50 years, chances are you've had a least one special Valentine's Day. I haven't. So don't feed me lines until I've had my chance to experience one with someone special first. There are some things in this world that I'd like to find out for myself. This is one of those things. And I'll get there, eventually.  But until then, I shall treat myself and keep laughing at the cheezy, romantic gestures.

After all, All We Need Is Love :)

Good Night!

Sarah

Time To Go Back To Reality

Sadly, today was my last full day at home. Tomorrow is my last day of holidays and I'm spending pretty much all of it on a train. My train leaves here at 9:15am and I get into Ottawa somewhere around 4:30pm. This is always the worst part of visiting. Knowing that I once again have to say goodbye to those I love, not entirely sure when I'm going to be home again. Before my dad headed to bed tonight, I gave him an extra long hug since he'll be up and off to work before I get up tomorrow. Mom's driving me to the train station so I get to say my good bye to her there. I guess they aren't really good byes as much as they're "See you later".

Despite the fact that both Mom and I sounded like we were trying to cough up lungs today, we got up and headed out for a bit. The cute little gift shop she wanted me to see was closed, so that was a bit of a bummer but we managed to keep occupied none the less and picked up some things for our colds and to make for dinner.

This afternoon we made banana bread. Last week my dad came home with a large bunch of ripe bananas from Giant Tiger. He was all excited because he only paid 97 cents or something crazy like that for them. Not per pound, just in total. I asked him if he planned on making banana bread and he said no. Then the stomach virus hit. The bananas did not get eaten. So last evening he looked at me and said "Are you going to make banana bread tomorrow?". LOL. I laughed and said sure. Mom and I pulled out some cook books and I hopped on Pinterest and we came up with 2 recipes to try. A Banana Cinnamon Swirl and a Banana Sour Cream one that we added raisins too and topped with chopped walnuts. Both turned out really well and the house smelt amazing all day. Dad gave them both his seal of approval. Which is awesome, considering I forgot the eggs in the 2nd one. Oops. Meh. It all worked out. The last time I was home I made a cobbler and my dad called me up and asked me to come back home so that I could make him some more cobbler. I'm leaving him some banana bread so that should hold him for a bit.

I got all packed this afternoon so I don't have to run around like a crazy woman tomorrow morning. Getting to the train station is an ordeal on its own. My mom doesn't like taking highways or major roads, so we go the back way to the train station. It takes longer but it works. The new problem is that they installed a round-a-bout earlier this year, which my mom now has to navigate. She hates them. She really, really hates them. I just close my eyes and pray when we go through them and once I'm on the train, I keep checking my email on my phone until Mom emails me and I know that she's made it back through and is home safe and sound. Then I relax.

This visit home has been a pretty subdued and quiet one, mostly due to the damn stomach flu knocking us all out for a week. But it's also been very stress free and relaxing, which is what I need. I know I'm going back to a crazy place, but I refuse to get stressed out about it. I may just switch my phone off tomorrow and forget all about work for the day. I should have done that today.

As much as I'm looking forward to getting back to Ottawa and my own bed, I'm going to miss home and my parents very much. I really miss just being around them. Both my mom and dad have said that they feel bad that we didn't get to go and do things but that doesn't matter to me. I don't really mind. I love just being in their company. Just being around them. Talking to them. Laughing with them (or at them as the situation may be). Just knowing that someone else is there, even if we're not in the same room or on the same floor. I enjoy  helping my mom out with the dishes and hiding utensils on her (my Gram used to do that to her too!) or making lunch/cooking dinner for my parents. It seems like mundane, silly things but I don't get to do those things very often, so I appreciate it and enjoy it when I get to do it. Even if they laugh at fart jokes and even though I'm somewhat convinced they're both going senile or they're insane, they're my family and I love them.   My parents are two of the best people you'll ever meet, and they're mine. I'm so lucky and so blessed to have them in my life and I will treasure every second I get to spend with them.

It's time to log off and get to bed. It's going to be an early start to the day tomorrow. We like to give ourselves lots of time to get to the train station, especially if it's snowing in the morning.

Good Night!

Sarah

Mom and Dad back in August

Happy New Year: Resolutions for 2013

So I didn't blog last night, mainly because it was New Year's Eve and by the time we'd finished watching the movies, I was way too tired to blog. I thought about blogging this morning but couldn't really get motivated. That and I had too much of an audience. And trust me, my mom has been pouting all day because she didn't have anything to read. I'm pretty sure my brother was too hungover to notice the lack of blog so I'm good on that front.

Looking back, 2012 was a pretty good year. It got off to a kind of sucky start in the fact that I ended up spending New Year's Eve home alone (plans got cancelled on me). But it actually wasn't that bad. I still had fun. 2012 ended in a kind of sucky fashion too seeing as I had a stomach virus at Christmas and just as I started to feel better, I came down with a sinus cold. I'm blaming the cigarette smoke at my parents' place for that. But everything in between was pretty good. I managed to find my way more often than I have in years. I was home for my mom's 65th bday, my niece's Christening and summer holidays. Getting to see family more often was a definite plus. I got a 1 year contract in 2012 (which I'm really hoping to at least repeat that this year) and am doing a job that I actually enjoy doing. I went to Montreal for a weekend all by myself and in doing so proved to myself that sitting around and just hoping for something to happen never works and that I'm a lot braver than I give myself credit for.

I also started blogging in 2012. It's been almost 6 months since I started. Some days I can't believe that I've been able to keep it up this long. Other days I wonder how I ever got by without blogging.

2013 got off to a slightly interesting start with involved watching my parents snake out the sewer clean-out this morning. My mother owns an 18 foot long, professional, sewer snake, designed to go into a sewer clean out and remove any blockages. Seriously? Who else's mom has that (who isn't married to a plumber!)?? Apparently our toilet didn't like the toilet paper currently being used. It wasn't breaking down fast enough I guess. Fun times. I assisted by bringing more newspaper and paper towels. That's a fantastic way to start off the new year. After that was all cleaned up and I got to have my shower, we hit the road and once again visited my favourite 100 year old, Mr. B. I helped him by throwing out some dead plants that were in his house. I'm pretty sure they died of heat stroke. When I picked the one up, he actually asked me to water it. I told him I was pretty sure it was beyond hope. So now he gets to buy new ones. LOL.

This evening, my parents and I went to dinner with my great Aunt and Uncle and my Grandparents. It was really nice. The restaurant wasn't very crowded so we could talk and actually be heard at the other end of the table. After dinner I said my good byes since I'm heading back to Ottawa on Thursday. The tail end of my visits are always a little sad since I have to say goodbye to everyone and 90% of the time, I don't know when I'll see them again.

Since 2013 is here, it's time for some resolutions. I stopped making them several years ago because I never kept them so why bother? But I started making them again a couple of years ago. I just started to get smarter about them and make them less specific. So here are my resolutions for 2013:

1. Be Happy. Seems simple enough right? Not quite. I do have depression issues, which are mostly seasonal in nature but even when I'm happy, I don't let myself actually "be" happy. I start to worry that something bad is going to come along and change everything. Or that my depression will come back at full force. I have to stop that. When I'm happy, I need to embrace it and enjoy it. Not ruin it with "what ifs".

2. Stress less, Worry less, Laugh more. I'm a worrier. I worry, a lot and often. I worry about big things and little things. This leads to stress. I'm almost 600kms away from my office right now, yet I'm already stressing about what's waiting for me when I get back and what work has to be done and in such a short time frame too. ENOUGH! I've had to tell myself several times over the last few days to knock it off and stop worrying about work. I'm only one person. No one else really seems to notice is some of the smaller things don't get done. So long as my boss is happy with my work and I'm happy with my work, then we're good. I have to stop letting it bug me. I need to find more things that I love doing, that make me laugh and smile and focus on those. Leave the worries behind and re-focus my energy.

3. Have faith. This one isn't as religious as you'd think. It's more along the lines of me needing to have faith in myself, in others as well as in God and the Universe. I need to have faith in myself that I will be able to figure everything own in my own sweet time. I need to have faith in others and believe that they won't let me down, won't abandon me if I ask for help or reveal that I don't have it as much together as I lead most people to believe. And I need to have more faith in the fact that God/the Universe isn't going to drop me on my ass. I might be tested, but they won't let me fail. I'm a good person and deserve to be happy.

4. Stop being afraid. Fear is stupid reason for not doing something. And I have to stop letting it be my excuse for not doing things that I want to do. Like Montreal. I got over my fear and had an awesome time. I need to do more of that.

5. Stop being complacent. If I want things to change, I can't just wish the change to happen. I need to get off my ass and make it happen. I have to be the change that I want to be. I have a crappy little apartment. I complain about it all the time. Fine. I need to either move or make changes to make the sucker less crappy. I need to stop accepting mediocre. I don't have a fairy godmother so I need to take whatever steps are necessary to take my dreams and make them real. My 2013 horoscope said " If you can dream it, you can have it. Don't settle for less". Sounds like damn good advice to me.

So that's the list. 5 resolutions for 2013. This year will be a happy and healthy one. And I hope it's full of good luck, good laughter and great people too. And lots and lots of love.

Happy New Year Everyone!

Sarah

35 Years And Counting...

No. The title of this blog does not refer to my age. It's close, but not quite.

Tonight's blog title is the number of years that my parents have been married. They celebrated their 35th Wedding Anniversary today. I wasn't there to celebrate with them but I will be seeing them next week so I'm going to take them out for a nice lunch while we're in Stratford as a belated gift.

In a time when marriage really doesn't seem to mean much anymore, hitting 35 years together is rather impressive. But then again, so are my parents. Looking at them, they are so different but fit together so well. Perhaps it's the differences between them that has kept them together for so long? I definitely get my stubborn streak from my mother and I get my peace-making skills from my father. I get my creativity from my mom and my outgoing nature from my dad. I get my bumpy toe from my mom and my broad shoulders from my dad. I get my courage from my mom and my love of rock and roll from my dad and I get my inner strength from both of them.

My childhood was great. We didn't have the biggest house on the block or the newest toys, but I don't remember wanting for anything. We took a family vacation every summer. Sure, I never got to go to Disney World, but I got to explore the country and see amazing sites and visit family. Some of my most cherished memories are of the crazy things that happened while on family vacation. Like the time our dog skipper took a dump in the back of the station wagon a mere 3 minutes after we left the house. Or the time we had run out of water on the way home so we gave the dog Kool Aid to drink. There were multiple incidents involving my father and a raccoon, including the time one stole his blueberry pie and threw a bun at him. One year in New Brunswick I made the chewiest brownies ever...because I forgot to add the eggs. I swear, they came out more like taffy than brownies. I'm pretty sure that's the same trip where my brother and cousin ate an entire tin of molasses cookies one afternoon. I've got to tour several mines, pet a porcupine, stand on the top of a few mountains, travel on several different ferries, drive through the tail end of a hurricane, watch a meteorite shower, seen a Sleeping Giant, dug my own amethyst, got up in the middle of a storm in the middle of the night to rescue a row boat, mistaken a freight train for an alien spaceship and have collected thousands of memories that I wouldn't trade for all the money in the world......all thanks to my mom and dad.

Over the years, I've seen them fight, cry, laugh and love. No matter what I've done or where I've gone, they've always had my back. Through all the bad times, the good times, the hard times and the simpler times, they stuck together and pulled us all through. I am so incredibly blessed to have them as parents.

I want what they have. That's the kind of relationship I want to have with a mate. One that stands the test of time. One that two people are willing to invest the time and effort into making work. No quitting, no giving up when the going gets rough. Perhaps I need to stop looking for someone who's like me....perhaps I do need to be looking for an opposite. Like my parents. Their differences make them unique, but they still have a lot of common ground between them. And compromise. They're pros at it. I love watching them watch hockey. It consists of dad watching hockey while mom reads her book...until there's a fight, at which point mom looks up and then goes back to her book with the fight's done. And I'm not sure how it happened, but mom somehow managed to get dad hooked on the books she was reading.

They are my heroes. They are who inspire me. Their relationship is what I strive for and hold up and the model. Maybe relationships like theirs don't exist anymore. But I'm sure not going to give up on finding out anytime soon. What they have is worth it. It's worth waiting for. I'm so happy that they found each other and I can't begin to express how fortunate I am to have them in my life.

Happy 35th Wedding Anniversary Mom and Dad. I love you more than words can express. May you have many, many, many, many, many more years of happiness together ahead of you.

Good Night!

Sarah