More Growth and Another Empty Bin

Continuing on yesterday's fun, I decided to tackle the 2nd mystery box.

This one contained a lot more mundane things like tax returns and supporting documents for doing my taxes. Some were more than 7 years old so I can toss those but a lot of the paper work I opted to keep for a little longer. I also have about 7 years worth of old bills. I think I'm going to need to buy myself a personal shredder and go on a spree.

I also found another diary. This one is not nearly as negative as the last one I found. This one is far more entertaining. I started writing it when I was 13 and the last entry in it was when I was 20. Talk about a lot changing. I wrote about my family, school, my high school friends, my high school crushes and love lost. I wrote about silly, trivial things that, at the time, didn't seem to be so, but they sure are now. 34 year old Sarah is kind of having fun laughing at 13 year old Sarah. If I'd known then what I know now...LOL. I also wrote about some serious stuff. Like how incredibly scared I was when my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. How hopeful I was on my first night away at University. 34 year old Sarah wishes she could tell 19 year old Sarah not to worry so much that everything would be ok. I also wrote about some funny things like kidnapping a stuffed bear named "Hairy Bum",doing Chinese Fire Drills at 1am with a car full of boys - one of whom apparently crawled back into the car via the rear window, attending Prom and throwing a few surprise birthday parties. These memories made 34 year old Sarah smile. And while most of the people involved in those memories are no longer part of my life, I'm quite good with that. I only actually miss having one or two of them around. I guess that's another sign of growth and being able to move on.

Other than cleaning out the bin and my morning shopping trip for cheap chocolate and yogurt, I really didn't do much today. I did watch several episodes of Charmed on Netflix. It's been a very long time since I had a "do nothing" day and the best part is that I didn't even feel guilty about it. I think we all need a day like that form time to time.

The break it over. It's back to reality tomorrow, which means it's back to work. Thankfully, it's just a short week, which is nice. I refuse to get stressed about it. I treated myself to some new songs from iTunes, so I'll have them to listen to en route to and from work. That will make the day just a little bit better.

Good Night!

Sarah

Growth

One thing that most of us have in common is the need, desire and drive for personal growth. Some people seem to be able to accomplish this better than others. And after something I discovered today, I think I'm doing a pretty good job at it too.

To gauge our growth, we have to look to the past and evaluate the people we were then and then people we are now. I'm not a big fan of doing that. I try hard not to live in the past. And I try very hard to not let bad memories/experiences from the past have a negative influence on things I do now. For someone who hates change, I'm doing a fairly decent job at embracing it.

Since I have a 4 day long weekend and have a friend coming to visit in 3 weeks, I decided that this weekend would be a good time to start my spring cleaning. I made some really good headway on Friday and threw out a lot of stuff that wasn't useful anymore and was just taking up space. Yesterday I decided that I needed to find a new way to store my shoes/boots/sandals. There's not enough room in the hall closet for them and their current location of being in a pile by the door doesn't work well, especially since I keep tripping over them and then when I go hunting for a pair, I can only find one half since I've punted the other one halfway across the kitchen. Anyhow, I remembered that I have two large plastic bins in my closet (currently being used as a shelf for my TP and Kleenex). I thought that one of them might be a good container for my shoes. So this evening, I decide to grab one and clean it out.

These bins have been in the closet since I moved back from Calgary...4 years ago. I have no idea what's in them really. I think I've only opened them once or twice since I moved back. The bin I grabbed contained a whole mess of misc. items: Birthday cards from family and friends, note cards, a couple Christmas cards, souvenirs from various trips, post cards from friends and family, a couple of neat things from my past that I decided somewhere along the way that I wanted to keep (like the interview I did with Sean M. from Great Big Sea...which my buddy Kevin got the band to sign for me when he met them!). A lot of it brought back a whole bunch of memories. I ended up throwing out 2/3s of the box.

The me from 4+ years ago found some need to keep a lot of this stuff, but the me today didn't. Somewhere in the last 4 years, I've grown and emotionally developed enough to put away those parts of my past. Sure, I did keep a few sentimental things. I kept a few cards from my parents that had supportive and motivations messages from them inside. Who doesn't need a little pick me up every now and again eh? And I did keep the last birthday card that my Gram sent me before she passed away. Seeing her hand writing on the page made me smile and miss her tremendously. I also found the copy of the Tennyson Guyer poem "The World Is Mine" that my Gram gave me when I was a little girl. I kept that too.

I also found something that I really no flipping idea what I was thinking when I decided to keep it. It's my journal from mid 2000 off and on until mid-2002. I could feel the negativity coming off it in waves without evening opening the book. Those were some of the darkest times of my life. I was so un-sure of myself. So depressed and frustrated yet there were pockets of hope. Why the hell did I keep it?? I only read a few random pages in it but it was enough to remind myself that I never want to go back to that place again. Keeping it the last time I came across it was a mistake. I believe that you can only make any one mistake once because the next time you make it, it's not a mistake, it's a choice. So this time, I'm choosing to get rid of it. Burning it seems like a fantastic idea. LOL. I'm more likely going to tear it to shreds and just toss it out however. I don't want to risk anyone thinking that I'm attempting to burn my apartment down. The memories of those years are in my brain. I've learnt from my mistakes, have grown and moved on. I don't need the visual reminder.

Four years ago, when faced with the same task as today, I couldn't bring myself to throw a lot of that box away. But today, I did. That is growth. That is emotional development. That is making peace with the past and moving on. And all of that makes me very happy and quite proud of myself.

Speaking of being proud of ones self, I pulled off a couple of culinary firsts for myself this evening. I cooked a prime rib roast for the first time (just a little, one rib one) and it turned out perfectly! My mom would have loved it since it was nice and juicy. Dad would have hated it. He's a well done kind of guy. LOL. I also make Yorkshire Pudding for the first time ever. They were actually really easy and turned out quite well. I really enjoyed my dinner and I have a lot left over. It's dinners like these that make me wish I had someone to share them with. I really do enjoy cooking for others, especially if they're willing to do the dishes up in return.

I think I'm going to try to get more cleaning and some laundry done tomorrow and I might just venture out to see if I can find some reduced to clear Easter chocolate.

Good Night!

Sarah

My little Yorkshire Puddings

The Past Has Passed!!

I spent a lovely and relaxing day with family today. After dinner, my dad and I went for a walk and he pointed out to me things that were new or families that had moved or mentioned who had moved into the neighbourhood. Part of our walk took us around our old high school. I also walked around it yesterday on my walk. But it wasn't until I was home and sitting out front, enjoying the nice evening, that a thought struck me. Or better yet, it was the lack of a thought that hit me.

When I walked around the high school yesterday and again tonight, I didn't really feel anything. I noticed that not much about the school had changed except for a small addition at the back, a new score board and some new signs, but that's it.

There was no wave of nostalgia. No inundation of faded memories. No reminders of a life passed. Nothing. Which is extremely unusual for me. Usually being home brings back a flood of memories, some good, some bad. And any time that I've gone up to the high school before has turned into a mental stroll down memory lane. But not this time.

So what's changed? Have I finally been able to reconcile with the ghosts of my past? Has my past finally passed away? Have I grown so much as a person that I'm finally able to do what I've wanted to do for so long...and have moved on?

I saw something on Facebook tonight that seemed to fit so perfectly with what's on my mind. It said " You can't reach for anything new if your hands are still full of yesterday's junk." Wow. You're not kidding.

Letting go is something that I often struggle with. With somethings, I'm very good at being able to let go. With other, it's almost damn near impossible. People tend to be on the impossible side. Especially if they're people who have hurt me in some way. I'm really good at forgiving people. I'm able to do that. It's the forgetting, letting go and moving on part that seems so damn hard. I'm a highly emotional person (even if I don't always appear to be) so it makes sense that the people in my life make such a huge impact on me.

While there are a lot of people who I love to remember, there are definitely others that I'd pay good money to be able to forget. But they seem to be drifting away too. Without really realizing it, or even being conscious of it, I think I've grown again on a personal level.

I've been a lot happier lately and don't really have a reason for that. And I'm not really going to sit here and question the "why" either. Somethings just work out for the right reasons and we don't need to know why. But maybe I was able to ditch some emotional baggage without knowing I had and that's why I'm happier? Anything is possible in this world :)

I'm not sure how it happened and I'm not sure why it happened at this particular point in my life, but I'm glad it happened. I've made peace with the girl I used to be and have embraced the woman that I am. Some of my ghosts from long ago are gone and my soul is smiling with relief and hope. Hope for the continued changes to come.

Good Night everyone.

Sarah