Growth

One thing that most of us have in common is the need, desire and drive for personal growth. Some people seem to be able to accomplish this better than others. And after something I discovered today, I think I'm doing a pretty good job at it too.

To gauge our growth, we have to look to the past and evaluate the people we were then and then people we are now. I'm not a big fan of doing that. I try hard not to live in the past. And I try very hard to not let bad memories/experiences from the past have a negative influence on things I do now. For someone who hates change, I'm doing a fairly decent job at embracing it.

Since I have a 4 day long weekend and have a friend coming to visit in 3 weeks, I decided that this weekend would be a good time to start my spring cleaning. I made some really good headway on Friday and threw out a lot of stuff that wasn't useful anymore and was just taking up space. Yesterday I decided that I needed to find a new way to store my shoes/boots/sandals. There's not enough room in the hall closet for them and their current location of being in a pile by the door doesn't work well, especially since I keep tripping over them and then when I go hunting for a pair, I can only find one half since I've punted the other one halfway across the kitchen. Anyhow, I remembered that I have two large plastic bins in my closet (currently being used as a shelf for my TP and Kleenex). I thought that one of them might be a good container for my shoes. So this evening, I decide to grab one and clean it out.

These bins have been in the closet since I moved back from Calgary...4 years ago. I have no idea what's in them really. I think I've only opened them once or twice since I moved back. The bin I grabbed contained a whole mess of misc. items: Birthday cards from family and friends, note cards, a couple Christmas cards, souvenirs from various trips, post cards from friends and family, a couple of neat things from my past that I decided somewhere along the way that I wanted to keep (like the interview I did with Sean M. from Great Big Sea...which my buddy Kevin got the band to sign for me when he met them!). A lot of it brought back a whole bunch of memories. I ended up throwing out 2/3s of the box.

The me from 4+ years ago found some need to keep a lot of this stuff, but the me today didn't. Somewhere in the last 4 years, I've grown and emotionally developed enough to put away those parts of my past. Sure, I did keep a few sentimental things. I kept a few cards from my parents that had supportive and motivations messages from them inside. Who doesn't need a little pick me up every now and again eh? And I did keep the last birthday card that my Gram sent me before she passed away. Seeing her hand writing on the page made me smile and miss her tremendously. I also found the copy of the Tennyson Guyer poem "The World Is Mine" that my Gram gave me when I was a little girl. I kept that too.

I also found something that I really no flipping idea what I was thinking when I decided to keep it. It's my journal from mid 2000 off and on until mid-2002. I could feel the negativity coming off it in waves without evening opening the book. Those were some of the darkest times of my life. I was so un-sure of myself. So depressed and frustrated yet there were pockets of hope. Why the hell did I keep it?? I only read a few random pages in it but it was enough to remind myself that I never want to go back to that place again. Keeping it the last time I came across it was a mistake. I believe that you can only make any one mistake once because the next time you make it, it's not a mistake, it's a choice. So this time, I'm choosing to get rid of it. Burning it seems like a fantastic idea. LOL. I'm more likely going to tear it to shreds and just toss it out however. I don't want to risk anyone thinking that I'm attempting to burn my apartment down. The memories of those years are in my brain. I've learnt from my mistakes, have grown and moved on. I don't need the visual reminder.

Four years ago, when faced with the same task as today, I couldn't bring myself to throw a lot of that box away. But today, I did. That is growth. That is emotional development. That is making peace with the past and moving on. And all of that makes me very happy and quite proud of myself.

Speaking of being proud of ones self, I pulled off a couple of culinary firsts for myself this evening. I cooked a prime rib roast for the first time (just a little, one rib one) and it turned out perfectly! My mom would have loved it since it was nice and juicy. Dad would have hated it. He's a well done kind of guy. LOL. I also make Yorkshire Pudding for the first time ever. They were actually really easy and turned out quite well. I really enjoyed my dinner and I have a lot left over. It's dinners like these that make me wish I had someone to share them with. I really do enjoy cooking for others, especially if they're willing to do the dishes up in return.

I think I'm going to try to get more cleaning and some laundry done tomorrow and I might just venture out to see if I can find some reduced to clear Easter chocolate.

Good Night!

Sarah

My little Yorkshire Puddings

French - How I Loathe Thee

I am not an idiot. Ok, well most of the time I'm not an idiot. Judging by how badly I just did on my french homework, an argument can be made to the contrary. Even after re-reading my notes I still couldn't get it. The fact that the teacher hadn't covered this off in class yet might have something to do with it. I have a vague recollection of him mentioning something in the last 10 minutes of class that kind of hinted towards what we needed to know for our homework assignment but that's all.

Just to make sure I hadn't blacked out or something during our last class, I contacted my co-worker who's in class with me and she confirmed what I'd been lead to believe. No, we didn't cover it in class. Now I don't feel quite as much of an idiot. It's nice to have someone to confirm that you're not as stupid as you feel.

What pisses me off is that our teacher is assuming that we'll know this. Some of the answers I was able to figure out based on some deductive reasoning but the rest? No fucking idea. If the teacher would have just taken the time to clearly explain how/when/why each one is used, I'd be able to understand what's going on. But he didn't and now I'm just confused and frustrated. Nuts to that. I'm giving up on the french and reading my book. It's much more entertaining.

There are only 2 classes left in this semester. I can do this. I can get through this. I'm thinking at this point, it might be easier to hire one of my co-workers to tutor me. Seriously. They've been speaking french all their lives. They learnt grammar and spelling so they should be able to explain it. And maybe explain the how, when and why too. A couple of our colleagues have looked through our french books and they just start laughing and then wish us good luck and walk away muttering about it not being "real" french. I think I'm doomed.

The only bright side to this seems to be that my use of numbers in french has improved and I'm getting better at asking questions in french. Still can't spell in french to save my life but we'll take it one hurdle at a time here. 

Good Night!

Sarah

Something's Rotten in the State of Denmark

Bonus points for you if you know what my title is from.

I'm having a very "meh" time lately. No energy, no enthusiasm, no desire to do anything, which makes work a real pain in the ass. Not sure what the cause of it is either.

There are a few things that are very likely suspects. The days are getting shorter so there's less sun. I'm super freakin' busy at work so I haven't been taking breaks or getting outside and thus I'm stressed. There's been a lot of change around me lately. I start French classes again tomorrow. I've been alone a lot lately.

Anyone one of those could cause a "meh" but maybe it's several of them all working in cahoots.

Let me return to one of those suspects: I start French classes again tomorrow. Lord help me. It's a 13 week course. I've already taken it and survived one of these courses. It was a level 3-4 (beginner) course. The teacher said that one of my co-workers and I did well and we could move up higher than the next level so I have no freaking idea where they placed us. Problem is that I don't remember anything from the last damn course (partly due to a less than stellar teacher). I have to ask myself: What is the point?

I'm only employed until March 31st 2013. There's a very good chance that I won't get renewed because I'm not bilingual (there's several of us in that boat). What pisses me off is the fact that I've been doing this job for over a year now, as a unilingual, and if my performance evaluation is any indication, I'm doing it fucking well.  So why do I suddenly have to speak French? I do not deal with the general public. All manager are bilingual (which I totally agree with as they have to be able to communicate with all staff) so I have no problem communicating with them. I dunno.

It's not that I don't want to learn French. I completely get the point of learning it and I know how valuable being bilingual would be. It's just that, well, I don't seem to be able to learn it. I haven't been this frustrated in school since Math class back in highschool. I've always been a smart cookie and learning comes easy to me...until you ask me to learn a new language. As of late, all I've managed to learn is how to insult people in Arabic (don't ask). I can memorize the French grammar rules until I'm blue in the face, but that's all it is. They're memorized. I don't understand them and nothing makes sense. I can never remember which order the words go in and the stupid verb changes between present and past tense. None of it makes sense. Oh and I could roll an "R" if my life depended upon it. And don't get me started on the fucking masculine vs feminine words. That's just bloody insane!!

And God forbid I try speaking french at work. On those rare days when I get up enough courage to try it... laughter is usually the end result. And it isn't me laughing. Yesterday I nearly brought 2 people to tears as I tied to pronounce the word "boeuf" (french for beef). When I'm not getting laughed at, they usually speak so fast that I can't catch any of it. And several of my french co-workers use slang, and then I'm totally lost.

The worst part? I love my job. It's the first job I've ever had that I honest to God like and enjoy. I love the people I work with. They're amazing. And even when I bitch about my job, I still want to get up the next morning and go back to work. I'm completely and totally letting myself down and the harder I try to prevent that from happening, the worse I do.

I really don't know what to do.

Good Night.

Sarah

Papillons - Butterflies