Oh, What A Night

Yes, I have a Billy Joel song stuck in my head (and yes, I know that it's a cover of the 4 Seasons)

I think I spent a wee too much time in the sun yesterday. I could hardly keep my eyes open by bed time. I almost didn't make it all the way through the hockey game (which Ottawa won 6-1). Actually, it was more of a boxing match than a hockey game. Both teams were running out of players. I haven't seen anything quite like it before.

Work today was....frustrating. It's a case of "the left hand doesn't know what the right hand is doing" or maybe a "too many cooks in the kitchen". Either way, it leads to frustration because you can't really move ahead until everyone is moving in the same direction. And it's not just me who's frustrated. I can see it on the faces and in the eyes of some of the people I work directly with. It's hard. Something I'd love to offer up my thoughts and suggestions but I don't feel that it's my place to do so. Instead, I support where I can and just keep at it, knowing that things will all work out in their own time.

Our weather was fantastic again today. 27 and sunny. A little too warm for May in my opinion but I'll take it. It does look like spring will return for us on the weekend though.

My evening was pretty good. I had every intention of doing the dishes but I never got there. I watched a new episode of Castle and then starting to putter about. Without going into details, because some of my life I still wish to keep private, I took a leap of faith and started to put into action some things to help me live a happier life. A few baby steps on the way to living the life I want to live. It was a moving experience and my soul feels happy tonight. That's the only way I can explain it. I really think that God/The Universe/The Goddess....whoever, whatever may have given me something that I've been asking for. Something I've been requesting for some time now. It's possible that I had earlier and was just too closed off to see it or maybe I just got it. I'm looking forward to seeing where this new path leads.

Don't worry if I sound like I'm not making sense. I assure you, I'm not off my rocker. Well, no more than usual. It makes sense in my head and that's all that matters at the moment. Perhaps I'll work on some clarity next.

Good Night!

Sarah

If I See Another Happy Couple/Person on a Beach Photo, I Might Just Self Combust

I keep sitting here, looking at this blank screen and suddenly my thoughts are as blank as it is.

I guess some thoughts really are too personal to share. 

I am very tired. The irony being that despite how tired I am, I'm sleeping like shit. I either can't fall asleep for hours or I do fall asleep but then wake up 4-5 times in the night since I can't seem to stay asleep. The snow plows clearing the mall parking lot at 1:30am on Monday didn't help matters any. 

There is one thing that's kind of pissing me off right now. It's everyone posting beautiful photos on Facebook from their assorted vacations in tropical places. Everyone looks like they're having/had so much fun and the weather and the beaches look so awesome. And I'll admit it. I'm down right jealous. 

Ignoring the fact that I don't have anyone who'd be available to go on said vacation with me, the long and the short of it is that I simply can't afford to go on a tropical vacation. The only time in my adult life that I've got on a real vacation was May 2007, when I went to Vegas for 4 days with my buddy Cam. And I was only able to do that because my Gram had passed away and left me some money, which came with the instructions "Have some fun with it". So I took 75% of it and paid off one of my student loans (no, that wasn't the fun part) and I took what was left and went to Vegas.

One of my co-workers recently said "Travel is totally worth going into debt for". Unfortunately, I can't agree with him. Speaking as someone who's spent the better part of the last 10 years trying to get out of debt, I can't really think of much that's worth being put back into the brutal whole. I can finally kind of see the light at  the end of the tunnel. I keep looking at the money in my investment account and thinking that I could really go on a kick ass vacation with that money. But then I remember why that money's there. It's there so that in 30 years, I can go on that kick ass vacation, every year. I think of spending it and then I'm reminded of what and who I still owe. I think of spending it and then I look around my crappy apartment at all my hand me down and worn out furniture and realize that a new couch is much more practical than a week in Cuba. A new kitchen table and a new arm chair would serve me so much better than a Caribbean Cruise.

Some days I wish I wasn't so responsible. If I wasn't, I'd probably be on a beach somewhere right now. What really frosts my cupcake is watching people who constantly complain about having no money go on said trips ( these are the same people who tell you about their horrible debt in once sentence and then tell you about their new jumbo screen tv/new fully loaded car/new top of the line phone in the next sentence ). I could buy a whole new living room set for less than the cost of a trip to Mexico. No wonder the economy is such a mess and so many people are in debt. No one cares about the consequences anymore. Why bother worrying about your bills when you can just file for personal bankruptcy and sweep it all away? Or so all of the "credit counselling" commercials lead you to believe.

No one takes responsibility anymore. I had not one but two independent financial planners tell me that I was the "perfect" candidate for personal bankruptcy. That kind of surprised me. They didn't try to offer me any advice, any re-payment ideas - nope, take the quick and easy way out and start over.

But I didn't do it. I keep at it and finally managed to find a better solution. I still have to pay back every single cent of my debt, I just managed to be given an opportunity to do it sooner and without my credit rating taking a nose dive. Truthfully, I thought about it but I felt bad at the idea of shirking my responsibilities. I wasn't raised that way. I realize that some people get themselves so far into trouble that that is the only option for them and that's fine. That's what it's there for. That's what it's intended for. 

We're told to live within our means. I get it. I'm doing that and my means aren't that fantastic but it's a work in progress and I know that it will slowly get better, if I just keep at it.

That isn't to say that I don't keep an eye on the travel websites. You never know when an absolute steal of a deal will come along.

But for the time being, I'll just keep plugging away and will look forward to my trip to Montreal in April. It's only a couple of days and it's only 2 hours away but it's a fun change of scenery. The BioDome and Botanical Gardens do feel like you're in a tropical paradise too.

Enough venting for now. I'm going to go and attempt to sleep, if I don't end up maiming my upstairs neighbour first. He's been banging/thumping/dropping crap for the last 5 minutes. No wonder I'm not sleeping well. I really need to move.

Good Night.

Sarah

Sad, Frustrating, Long, Hard Daze

This week has been a rough one and I'm very glad it's over. Today was the worst of the days.

It was a strange day. I was crazy busy but didn't seem to be able to make any headway with anything. I just kept running into road blocks any time I tried to accomplish anything. Which is crazy frustrating.

We had 4 people leave today. One's only been there for 5 weeks, 1 was kind of already gone but now has really left (was on leave but was offered another job, came back from leave early to take it) and the other two are people who've been there since I before I started. I am a little sad that I won't get to see them each day but I know that they got an awesome opportunity, so I'm very happy for them. And they're not going to be far away at all. Same building in fact :) It's more that the change is hard. That's all. So much keeps changing there, that it's nice to have some consistent things. My office is now more than 3 times bigger than it was when I started there 19 months ago. There are only 8 people left who were there before I started. It's crazy. Which makes it hard and sad.

The other side to today was the sheer immaturity and unprofessionalism of some people. We aren't an overly strict office, which is nice, so long as we all do our work. But lately there has been a core group of people who have being conducting themselves like this is high school rather than a professional office as of late. The frustrating part is that I am not their manager in any way, shape or form but the other supervisors and managers keep coming to me to complain about said group. WTF?

I didn't actually take a lunch break today. I ran out for 10 minutes to buy a sandwhich, but I only ate half and that took nearly 45 minutes to accomplish. And you know what? I don't really mind. It's not something that happens every day. I'm incredibly thankful to have a job. And a good one at that. And one that I actually enjoy doing most of the time. And I get to work with some pretty awesome people. So having to work through lunch from time to time isn't so horrible. I just wish some people would grow the fuck up and realize just how good they have it too.

I'm sure a lot of what I'm feeling right now is just be being over tired. I think I'll go and read for a bit and then head to bed. I can sleep in tomorrow for a little bit, which is nice. I need to get some Christmas shopping done too. I'm just really not in the Christmas spirit. Hell, I lost interest in watching "Frosty Returns" tonight and I shut it off. Oh. And it might snow tonight. Which sucks.

Yeah, I'm going to bed before I get even more cranky than I already am.

Good Night!

Sarah

Something's Rotten in the State of Denmark

Bonus points for you if you know what my title is from.

I'm having a very "meh" time lately. No energy, no enthusiasm, no desire to do anything, which makes work a real pain in the ass. Not sure what the cause of it is either.

There are a few things that are very likely suspects. The days are getting shorter so there's less sun. I'm super freakin' busy at work so I haven't been taking breaks or getting outside and thus I'm stressed. There's been a lot of change around me lately. I start French classes again tomorrow. I've been alone a lot lately.

Anyone one of those could cause a "meh" but maybe it's several of them all working in cahoots.

Let me return to one of those suspects: I start French classes again tomorrow. Lord help me. It's a 13 week course. I've already taken it and survived one of these courses. It was a level 3-4 (beginner) course. The teacher said that one of my co-workers and I did well and we could move up higher than the next level so I have no freaking idea where they placed us. Problem is that I don't remember anything from the last damn course (partly due to a less than stellar teacher). I have to ask myself: What is the point?

I'm only employed until March 31st 2013. There's a very good chance that I won't get renewed because I'm not bilingual (there's several of us in that boat). What pisses me off is the fact that I've been doing this job for over a year now, as a unilingual, and if my performance evaluation is any indication, I'm doing it fucking well.  So why do I suddenly have to speak French? I do not deal with the general public. All manager are bilingual (which I totally agree with as they have to be able to communicate with all staff) so I have no problem communicating with them. I dunno.

It's not that I don't want to learn French. I completely get the point of learning it and I know how valuable being bilingual would be. It's just that, well, I don't seem to be able to learn it. I haven't been this frustrated in school since Math class back in highschool. I've always been a smart cookie and learning comes easy to me...until you ask me to learn a new language. As of late, all I've managed to learn is how to insult people in Arabic (don't ask). I can memorize the French grammar rules until I'm blue in the face, but that's all it is. They're memorized. I don't understand them and nothing makes sense. I can never remember which order the words go in and the stupid verb changes between present and past tense. None of it makes sense. Oh and I could roll an "R" if my life depended upon it. And don't get me started on the fucking masculine vs feminine words. That's just bloody insane!!

And God forbid I try speaking french at work. On those rare days when I get up enough courage to try it... laughter is usually the end result. And it isn't me laughing. Yesterday I nearly brought 2 people to tears as I tied to pronounce the word "boeuf" (french for beef). When I'm not getting laughed at, they usually speak so fast that I can't catch any of it. And several of my french co-workers use slang, and then I'm totally lost.

The worst part? I love my job. It's the first job I've ever had that I honest to God like and enjoy. I love the people I work with. They're amazing. And even when I bitch about my job, I still want to get up the next morning and go back to work. I'm completely and totally letting myself down and the harder I try to prevent that from happening, the worse I do.

I really don't know what to do.

Good Night.

Sarah

Papillons - Butterflies

The Waiting Game

I've been at this for just shy of a month now and I'm 2 page views away from 800 page views. That's so freaking awesome! I can't believe that people actually read this! (I turned it off so it doesn't count my own page views.) I'm so amazed. I'm guessing that I'll break the 800 mark tonight. I can't wait until I hit 1000. I'll have to do something special then.

So a follow up from yesterday's blog: My trip to doctor's office.

What a waste of time. I got there 10 minutes early and checked in. I give the receptionist my health card, she scans it and tells me to have a seat. So I did. And I waited and waited and waited and waited. Finally, at 11:30am, I asked the lady what the hold up was and she gave me some BS
about waiting for a room to open up (they're also a walk in clinic). I reminded her that I had an appointment. She came back out with folders and asked my name again. After flipping through the folders, she asked for my health card again and told me to come with her. Then she swiped my card again and showed me to a room where I spent another 20 minutes waiting for the
doctor. After walking by the room and putting his lunch in the microwave, my doctor finally came in
and asked me hat he could do for me today. I just looked at him for a second. Clearly the fact that I was there for a physical was never passed along to him. So I said that I was supposed to have a physical.  All he said was "oh". I then said that Ineeded to be at work in 6 minutes. So he flipped through my chart quickly and did up a blood test form. I quickly mentioned one issue I'm having and he added some more blood teas and gave me the form. I asked if I needed to fast for the test and he said no. So that was an upside. Until he flipped back through the chart and said to me "I don't have a Cholesterol number for you". So he added it and then said "Now you have to fast". Well dammit. He then gave me the option of re-booking or having him call me if the results were wonky. I said I'd re-book. I've had issues in the past with that clinic not calling me with results when I've asked for them. I went back to reception and re-booked for 2 weeks from now so that there's time for my test results to come back before I see the doctor again. What a friggin' gong show. The Doctor did say that he has no control over when the patients come back and asked me if the receptionist had forgot about me. Apparently she forgot about another man too because I heard him tell his doctor that he'd been waiting for 2 hours to be let in to see her. My doctor did seem annoyed at the delay so I guess that makes me feel a little better.

So it will be a few more weeks before I know what's what. I now need to find a lab that's open on a Saturday or I have to go into work late on Monday as the lab near me doesn't open until 8am. Sigh.

At least work went well. I ended up working until nearly 6:30 to make up some of the time I lost this morning. It was a good day and I managed to get some things done and have a couple laughs and a slice of cake along the way. I picked up sushi for dinner. It was soooo yummy! I had raw tuna in one of the rolls tonight. That's a new one for me. I'd tried raw tuna on its own before and didn't like how gooey it was, but in the roll is was quite nice.

Now I'm relaxing in my living room, watching Shaun of the Dead :) Not the most thrilling way to spend a Friday night but I'm enjoying it.

Good Night!

Sarah