If I See Another Happy Couple/Person on a Beach Photo, I Might Just Self Combust

I keep sitting here, looking at this blank screen and suddenly my thoughts are as blank as it is.

I guess some thoughts really are too personal to share. 

I am very tired. The irony being that despite how tired I am, I'm sleeping like shit. I either can't fall asleep for hours or I do fall asleep but then wake up 4-5 times in the night since I can't seem to stay asleep. The snow plows clearing the mall parking lot at 1:30am on Monday didn't help matters any. 

There is one thing that's kind of pissing me off right now. It's everyone posting beautiful photos on Facebook from their assorted vacations in tropical places. Everyone looks like they're having/had so much fun and the weather and the beaches look so awesome. And I'll admit it. I'm down right jealous. 

Ignoring the fact that I don't have anyone who'd be available to go on said vacation with me, the long and the short of it is that I simply can't afford to go on a tropical vacation. The only time in my adult life that I've got on a real vacation was May 2007, when I went to Vegas for 4 days with my buddy Cam. And I was only able to do that because my Gram had passed away and left me some money, which came with the instructions "Have some fun with it". So I took 75% of it and paid off one of my student loans (no, that wasn't the fun part) and I took what was left and went to Vegas.

One of my co-workers recently said "Travel is totally worth going into debt for". Unfortunately, I can't agree with him. Speaking as someone who's spent the better part of the last 10 years trying to get out of debt, I can't really think of much that's worth being put back into the brutal whole. I can finally kind of see the light at  the end of the tunnel. I keep looking at the money in my investment account and thinking that I could really go on a kick ass vacation with that money. But then I remember why that money's there. It's there so that in 30 years, I can go on that kick ass vacation, every year. I think of spending it and then I'm reminded of what and who I still owe. I think of spending it and then I look around my crappy apartment at all my hand me down and worn out furniture and realize that a new couch is much more practical than a week in Cuba. A new kitchen table and a new arm chair would serve me so much better than a Caribbean Cruise.

Some days I wish I wasn't so responsible. If I wasn't, I'd probably be on a beach somewhere right now. What really frosts my cupcake is watching people who constantly complain about having no money go on said trips ( these are the same people who tell you about their horrible debt in once sentence and then tell you about their new jumbo screen tv/new fully loaded car/new top of the line phone in the next sentence ). I could buy a whole new living room set for less than the cost of a trip to Mexico. No wonder the economy is such a mess and so many people are in debt. No one cares about the consequences anymore. Why bother worrying about your bills when you can just file for personal bankruptcy and sweep it all away? Or so all of the "credit counselling" commercials lead you to believe.

No one takes responsibility anymore. I had not one but two independent financial planners tell me that I was the "perfect" candidate for personal bankruptcy. That kind of surprised me. They didn't try to offer me any advice, any re-payment ideas - nope, take the quick and easy way out and start over.

But I didn't do it. I keep at it and finally managed to find a better solution. I still have to pay back every single cent of my debt, I just managed to be given an opportunity to do it sooner and without my credit rating taking a nose dive. Truthfully, I thought about it but I felt bad at the idea of shirking my responsibilities. I wasn't raised that way. I realize that some people get themselves so far into trouble that that is the only option for them and that's fine. That's what it's there for. That's what it's intended for. 

We're told to live within our means. I get it. I'm doing that and my means aren't that fantastic but it's a work in progress and I know that it will slowly get better, if I just keep at it.

That isn't to say that I don't keep an eye on the travel websites. You never know when an absolute steal of a deal will come along.

But for the time being, I'll just keep plugging away and will look forward to my trip to Montreal in April. It's only a couple of days and it's only 2 hours away but it's a fun change of scenery. The BioDome and Botanical Gardens do feel like you're in a tropical paradise too.

Enough venting for now. I'm going to go and attempt to sleep, if I don't end up maiming my upstairs neighbour first. He's been banging/thumping/dropping crap for the last 5 minutes. No wonder I'm not sleeping well. I really need to move.

Good Night.

Sarah

Viva Puffs

I did something very scary tonight. I talked to one of my parentals about my debt situation. It's scary in the fact that it means that A. Have to own up to just how much trouble I'm really in and B. Opens up the possibility for them being disappointed in be for being so stupid to get in such a mess in the first place. The only defence I have is that very little of this debt is new. Most of it is from 10+ years ago and it's just been following me around. And a part of it is from 5 years ago when I ran into some problems in Calgary. Just take a look around my apartment and you'll see that I'm defiantly not using them anymore.

Unfortunately, the conversation did very little to ease my worry/anxiety. In fact, I'm pretty damn sure it made it worse judging by the rather large knot that has now taken up residence in my stomach. It's going to be a long week. I can feel it.

Moving on. I had something happen to me yesterday that I've been sitting here thinking about all day.

Have you ever smelled something or eaten something or seen something out of the corner of your eye that suddenly filled you with such a strong memory or emotion that you thought that you'd been transported to a different time/place? That happened to me yesterday.

While out shopping at the Bulk Barn, I saw that they had holiday flavoured Viva Puff cookies on sale. I hadn't had a Viva Puff in I don't know how long, so I decided to get them. For those who don't know, they're a cookie that has a cookie bottom, with a raseberry jam filled marshmellow on top and then the whole thing is covered in chocolate. There's a version where there's fudge instead of raseberry inside too. These ones have a green mint section inside too so they look like a candy cane. Anyhow, yesterday after lunch, I decided to have one. As I bit into it, I suddenly had a very vivid flashback to my childhood. I was in my Gram's kitchen, eating a Viva Puff. My grandmother loved those cookies. I'm pretty sure the only time/place I really ever at them was at her house. We used to peel the chocolate off the outside and then peel the marshmellow part off the cookie and eat the cookie and then eat the marshmellow part. It seems that my Gram was very good at deconstructing cookies. Remind me to tell you about what she and her friend Mrs. Foster did with a bag of Oreos once... Back to my story. It was such a vivid memory. I could see every detail in the kitchen and even smell what the house smelt like and I could feel the happiness wash over me. And all I had done was bite into a cookie. Of course I then got really sad and tear welled up in my eyes because I was then hit with how much I miss my Gram but for those 30 seconds in between, it was incredible.

The mind really is such an amazing thing. I can't believe that I have such stunningly real memories tucked away in there. While it does make a little sad to remember, the happiness of the memory and the smile it put on my face was well worth the sadness around the edges. One of my all time favourite memories is one that my Gram gave me. My grandparents house was at the top of a hill. Their back windows looked out over the city. When we were little, at night, my Gram would hold my brother and I up in the kitchen by the sink so that we could see out over the city and look at all the twinkling lights. "Fairy Land" she called it. Even as a teenager, I'd stand at the sink in the dark kitchen with my Gram and look out over Fairy Land. Even now as an adult, whenever I'm somewhere high up and I can see out over whatever city I'm in, I'm still smile and think to myself "Fairy Land".

Who knew that cookie could be so powerful?

And just a quite side note to a family friend who knew my grandparents very well and who is mostly likely in surgery at this very moment: Mrs. B - my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. I hope everything goes for the best and wish you a speedy recovery.

Good Night!

Sarah

My balcony in Calgary, with "Fairy Land" in the distance.