Days 7,8 and 9 - Three for the price of one

I didn't blog last night or the night before. I was too tired and quite frankly, feeling too depressed to bother.

Sunday was the worst day yet. I had no desire to do anything. I didn't even feel like eating (which has it's pros and cons for me). Nothing would hold my interest. I tried watching movies and would lose inerest afer five minutes. Tried reading and would lose interest after a page or two. The highlight of my day was feed peanuts to a squirrel while I sat on my balcony. I'd toss one down to it. It would run into the tree and sit on branch and eat the peanut and then come back down the tree looking for more. It was really cute.

Yesterday I was back at work...from my home office (aka, kitchen table). It was a busy enough day and it kept me occupied.

I was taken to remark yesterday afternoon, that I was surprised by which one of my demons has decided to surface during this time of uncertainty. If someone had asked me to bet on which one would come out to play, my money would have been on my anxiety. Given all the unknows and such, I should be anxious as hell right now, but I'm not. I'm actually quite calm. I think my brain has decided that the situation is what it is, and there's noting we can do to change it, so just sitting back and relaxing is the way to go. I've got food, I've got cleaning supplies (even if my Windex was hiding on my today), I've got toilet paper. I'm ok. So my anxiety is staying at bay. It's my depression that's hanging around. Normally, this time of year, my "winter blues" (seasonal depression) is waning. I feel better and happier. More energetic. But not this time. Not right now.

I think part of the issue is that I'm actually grieving. While no one died, I did suffer a couple of losses thanks to Covid. I didn't get to visit with my parents (whom I haven't seen since late December) and my knee didn't get fixed. Which has a spiraling effect. I was looking foward to being about to get out and walk again, enjoy the warmer spring temps. I was stating to look ahead to the summer and try to decide where I want to go for holidays, who I wanted to visit. That's all gone now.  There's no point in me travelling anywhere as I can only walk for about 10 minutes before I need to stop. Literally every step I take is painful. I think I'm still greiving the loss of what was supposed to be a return of my freedome.

I am taking some comfort in the fact that there's a reason for my depression for once. Usually there's no rhyme or reason to it but this time, I think I can pin point a reason or two.  And I know that the Universe isn't picking on me, so this isn't a "why me" situation. But it still sucks. And it still hurts. More importantly, I'll allowed to feel this way. Looks like I need to process the grief in order to feel better rather than hoping that the sunshine will just improve my mood. For the record, the nice weather does help. So does feeding the squirrels.

Today was a better day, largely due to the fact that I didn't actually start working until almost 11am. Our system was down this morning and no one could log in remotely. So I used the time to start clearning my bathroom. I think it was a very good use of my time! I made tacos for dinner tonight since it's #tacotuesday. LOL. I still didn't venture out but I did sit on my balcony, twice today, and enjoyed the sunshine and fresh air. I really does help.

Mmmm, tacos

"We know what we are, but know not what we may be." - William Shakespeare.

You're Such A Positive Person

It's been a very rough week. And we're only half way through. I haven't been feeling so hot. Last night was really bad and I spent the day in a fog, concentrating very hard on holding it together.

Maybe it's the early cold weather that we've had. Or perhaps is the abundance of alone time I've had of late. Two weekends in a row plans went askew/off the rails and I ended up flying solo, which isn't anything new for me. It just sucks when I actually make plans and start to look forward to some human contact and conversation and then end up on my own anyhow. Or maybe it's the reminder/realization that I really am on my own here. It's just me. I am not a priority in anyone's world, except my own. Maybe one day that will change, and I think I'd really like that, but for now, it's my reality. I'm always the one asking other people to do stuff. I can't recall the last time someone approached me and invited me to do something. Unless you count my new boss. She invited me to do a 5k walk with her at 7am on Sunday. I think she was mostly kidding though as she was trying to find a way out of it. It just really sucks that people mean more to me than I mean to them. Actually, it doesn't suck. It hurts. 

Anyhow, it was a rough day. I didn't sleep well last night. I was late getting up, late getting moving. Got to work and had multiple items thrown at me right of the get go. That part actually helped. It distracted me for a bit. Let me get outside my own head for a while. It was a nice change of scenery. I did go for a walk at lunch and that felt good. The fresh air on my face helped to wake me up a bit more and just being away from the office made my soul feel better for a while. My afternoon was ok until about 3pm when I started having dizzy spells and my head felt tight, like it was in a vice. Brutal. Don't know if was a stress issue, or I'm coming down with something or low blood sugar or pressure. Who knows. All I know is that I felt like crap. All I wanted to do was go home. But some co-workers needed help and I soldiered on.

I was just getting ready to leave work when one of our officers started talking to me and asking for some information. So we got into a discussion. Said officer actually said some very complimentary things to me about my work and hopes for my future, then they said something that almost made me burst out laughing/break down crying. They said "You're such an optimistic person". I'm standing there, feeling like crap. I'm exhausted from holding it together all day, having been on the verge of tears about 6 times that day, cried myself to sleep the night before and they're standing there telling me how optimistic I am.

The Universe really loves throwing stuff like that at me. I found it funny and sad all at the same time. I guess this means I was doing a good job of not letting it show how miserable I was today. I hate feeling like this. But I've been through it enough times now to just sit back and let it get out of my system. Give myself a day to wallow and then slowly pick myself up, dust myself off and start putting one foot in front of the other again.

Tomorrow will be a new day. Hopefully the sun will be out and the black cloud hanging around me will start to sail away. So long as I have hope, I have something going for me.

Now it's time to go and hopefully have a full and restful night's sleep.

Good Night

Sarah

Where the Hell Am I??

Ok. So where the hell have I been? I haven't blogged in over a month and I've had several people point that out to me and some even tried to demand that I start writing again. LOL. While I'm glad to see that people are actually interested in the crap I write, I needed a break. And that was for a couple of reasons.

The number one reason is: I have Carpal Tunnel Syndrome in my right hand and yes, I'm right handed. It was so painful I could barley hold a pen or an eating utensil. Using a can opening made my hand feel like it was on fire and typing not only hurt, but made my fingers go numb. In fact, just typing these two paragraphs has made my thumb and pointer finger go numb. Thankfully, the pain is more or less gone. The doctor gave me a note for an ergonomic assessment at work (got a new keyboard tray and wrist rest) and I'll be getting a new split keyboard. I'm also sleeping with a brace on, which really seems to be helping. If everything goes well, I won't need surgery and things will correct themselves.

The number two reason for not blogging is that I needed to think some stuff through. Birthdays do that to me.

Speaking of birthdays, I had a great one. I went home for the weekend and my family threw my great aunt an amazing 80th bday party and the included me in it. I got balloons and a horrible necklace and personalized chocolates. It was fantastic. I got to see a lot of family I haven't seen for a very long time and a very special family friend too. I felt very, very loved. I really do have an amazing family. I'm so blessed and lucky to have them. I miss them all very much, especially my parents. But this is two bdays that I've been home for that my mom has gotten out of baking a cake for me. LOL.  It was a great visit and I had some good train karma on the way back and ended up and a 4-seater all to myself. I had to laugh. While looking out the window, I saw an old guy on a riding lawn mower and he waved at the train as it went by.  I waved back.

Things returned to normal when I got back. I went out for a belated bday dinner with some co-workers. I had a giant ass glass of wine. It was a very fun night. Then the post birthday blues came to visit and sadly, they're still kind of kicking around. They're nagging me at the back of my head. I know that the vast majority of them are unfounded and I now I'm leap years ahead of where I was five years ago. But there's still some major disappointments there. Things I haven't done, goals I haven't accomplished. And I'm mad and frustrated with myself and I'm a little sad.

And the universe is playing tricks on me too. So not impressed there. Work's been really stressful too. I thought we were supposed to slow down in the summer. It sure doesn't look like that will be happening. And it just seems to me that the bigger our office gets, the less people seem to know how to do stuff themselves. Example - I called in sick today. I woke up feeling like crap. I was achy and my eyes were puffy and swollen. So I took an Advil and went back to sleep. Anyhow, I was checking my work email later in the day and I got an email from one co-worker, saying that there were window cleaners doing our windows and maybe I should send an email to the staff warning them. WTF?? They're window cleaners, not terrorists and THERE'S BEEN A NOTICE IN THE LOBBY FOR A WEEK!!!!!!!!!!!! Shit. People really don't pay attention and OMG, I have much more important things to do in a day at work than worry about shit like that.

In case you're curious, it's taken me just over 2 hours to write all of this. I have to keep taking breaks because my fingers keep going numb.

Ok. Just take a deep breath and keep going. Everything's ok. Just be patient and the Universe will bring you what you need when you need it, not when you think you need it. Just now I think I need to plant my ass on a beach in Bora-Bora for a week. But I can't afford that trip in this life time so I guess I'm just going to have to take some more Advil and head back to work and keep heading for that light at the end of the tunnel.

Good Night.

Sarah

My very awesome birthday cake.

200th Blog

Today has not been one of my better days. Emotionally, February always sucks. It's been dark for 4 months now so my SADs is at its worst, 75% of my family have birthdays in February and I'm not there to celebrate any of them and right now, work has me stressed out. This week was bad. It took an amazing amount of effort to actually get out of bed and convince myself to face the day and get into work. But I made it through and other than being more sarcastic than normal, I don't think anyone at work noticed that anything was up.

As a result, I was really looking forward to a day out today with a friend, hoping to take in a movie so I could laugh and escape for a bit and get out of my own head. But that didn't happen. I was bailed on, again, and reminded why it is that I have such a hard time trusting people and the stuff that tell me. I keep a lot to myself. I very rarely admit it when I'm feeling this low and I almost never reach out to anyone when I am. But I tried taking the risk this time, doing that. Admitting that I didn't want to be alone and probably shouldn't be alone....and it blew up in my face.

This, ladies and gentlemen, is why I don't trust people. Why I don't open up to people, even those closest to me. Because at the end of the day, no matter how many times those around you promise to be there for you, promise to help you, promise that you can count of them, you're still alone. And the only person you can be 100% sure of and count on 100% of the time is yourself. I'd been lulled into a false sense of security as of late. I guess this was life's way of reminding me of that. That and the fact that I don't like burdening others with my problems. I figure everyone has problems so why I should I try to burden someone else with mine? I don't mind it when others do that to me, because it simply gives me a chance to focus on something/someone else and I can give my worries a rest for a while. What can I say? I love escapism.

The worst part? This isn't the first time this person has done it to me. If it had been, I might have been ok. But as it was, this issue has been bugging me for a long time and in true Sarah fashion, rather than address it sooner, I let it go and fester and a final straw came along and *BOOM*, I went off. I remember my mom warning me about "fair weather friends" when I was younger. You know, people who are only your friends when they feel like it or when you're of use to them, or when they don't have a current boyfriend? Yeah, it's that kind of situation. Except in this case it's a "when I'm alone/bored and my husband isn't here" kind of friend. There's a lot more I'd like to say about that situation but I'll bite my tongue. It's not my place to say and my opinions weren't asked for, so they shall not be offered.

All I'm going to say is that I'll NEVER change who I am for anyone nor will I ever let a man/my husband dictate my life to me. And if that means staying single for the rest of my life, so be it. I will never settle.

So, then I was faced with a fun old catch 22. All I wanted to do was throw myself onto my bed and spend the rest of the day sleeping/crying on and off. But that's not a healthy option. It just feeds my depression and makes it worse. So option 2 was to go out and get some fresh air and sunshine into my system, which meant being around laughing, happy people, which I really did not want to be around. Ironically, after the events of the morning, I simply wanted to be alone. Being a good girl and learning from my mistakes, I sucked it up, got dressed, slapped on some make up, did my hair and headed out. I'm not a child and I know how to take care of myself. Not that I have much choice. If I don't do it, there's no one else to! Besides, it's not like I enjoy feeling like this and I know I need to be pro-active to get out of the funks when they come along.

My destination was Confederation Park for Winterlude. As I feared, the park was crowed with people and it was damn cold. Those lying bastards at Environment Canada said it would be -6 today. Yeah, right. Anyhow, I wandered around the park and got in line to view the ice sculptures. I growled at the little brats that ran into me and nearly threw a snowball at the young couple sucking face by the garbage can, but other than that, I made it through without causing any great harm too. Even managed to use the Port-O-Potty without freezing my ass to the seat (but it was close). I got some lunch and treated myself to some maple taffy on a stick (one of my most favourite things in the world) and then I headed to the mall so that the feeling would return to my left foot, right hand and my face. After checking out a few places in the mall, I headed for the market.

Mmmm, maple taffy.

By this point, I was feeling better. Being outside in the sun and the air was helping, as I knew it would. The crowds were annoying me less. All good signs. I stopped at the butcher and got some of my favourite sausages and a stuffed hen for dinner tomorrow night. I got one of my favourite cheeses and grabbed some veggies from a very cool organic type market shop. I traded text messages with my buddy Xtinktor while waiting for the bus and we had a laugh making fun of the Leaf's fans. All was good until I got home and turned on my computer.

Despite telling said person "leave me the fuck alone" they couldn't leave well enough alone and had emailed again when I was out. Well there went any salvation of my mood. Kind of impressive how someone can ruin your day twice in the span of 8 hours. But I took the high road this time. I simply hit "delete" and the went onto Facebook and distracted myself with some farming. If only real life farming was that simple and easy.

I had a nice phone chat with a good friend this evening and a few good laughs. I know what brought on the call and I'm not really impressed by the catalyst, but it was great chatting with her none the less and I'm happy that she called. We've been emailing between baby naps and long days of work and sometimes it's hard to find the time to sit down and write out everything that you want to say.

After that, I realized it was kind of late and decided to re-heat my leftovers for dinner. I watched tv and played on the computer but I don't actually recall much of what I was watching. Online I was checking out some cool plant ideas and cool planters. Some of the stuff out there is very innovative! My dad called to rub in the fact that Toronto beat Ottawa and to update me on my parents' night out with my 2 great aunts and my great uncle. I'm glad that they all had a fun time. It stuff like that that I miss the most. Thankfully, the two calls helped make me feel a bit better, so this evening has been pretty good.

So now here I am, writing my 200th blog. Sorry it couldn't be a more upbeat one, but that's life. I really should get to bed. Despite getting to sleep in, even after Michelle texted me and woke me up!, I'm kind of sleepy. Being emotionally drained does that. I've got a whole laundry list of stuff I need to take care of tomorrow, including laundry, so sleep is a good plan. Tomorrow's another day and hopefully I'll be feeling ever better still tomorrow.

200 blogs. Wow. I can't believe that I'm still doing this. I can't believe how much it's helped me. I can't believe what a big part of my life it's become. I started it late last July because I love to write and I wanted to do something everyday that I love and as a way of getting the thoughts out of my head so I could sleep at night or relax when reading/watching tv. What an awesome experiment this turned out to be. Now if I could only think up a good story line for a book....LOL.

Good Night!

Sarah

My favourite ice sculpture - they're mermaids.

Paper lantern tunnel

Skating on the Rideau Canal

Let's Talk - in support of Mental Health

Seeing as today is Bell's "Let's Talk" day, a day to support Mental Health, I decided that would be exactly what I'd do.

I have a mental health issue. I've had one for nearly 14 years.

I was in my third and final year of University and I was miserable. I'd lost interest in all my favourite hobbies, my diet was all over the place, I was crazy tired all the time yet I couldn't sleep, I had no energy and I cried all the time. So I went to see a doctor on campus. He said that it sounded like depression and prescribed me an anti-depressant and scheduled me for a follow up appointment. What? Me? Depressed?? Not possible. I had nothing to be sad about. Nope, he had to be wrong. But he wasn't. I really didn't like that first drugs. Yes, my mood improved but it felt fake. And the side effects were awful. He put me on a different one and things got better. This one seemed to work a bit better. No advice, no assistance other than "take the meds". So I did. After a few months of feeling good, he took me off the drugs and away I went, thinking I was all better.

Boy was I wrong. The darkness and the demons came back. Slowly, so I didn't really notice, but they came back. And they brought friends. I had terrible mood swings and I was looking for happiness in all the wrong places. I would spend an entire afternoon or evening, just sitting on my bed or on the floor in the living room, looking at the wall, tears running down my face. Not eating, not sleeping, not talking to anyone. The scariest part? The part that I've never told anyone, ever - was that I used to compose suicide notes in my head. I'd try and try and try to find a way to justify taking my own life. I tried so hard to think up a way to explain to my family and friends why I wanted to leave them and how much better off they'd be without me... That was 11 years ago. And it hurts so much to remember that. To remember what I was thinking and feeling then. As long as I live, I will never forget that darkness. It's a part of my forever and it reminds me of how strong I am and how far I've come.

Obviously, I never gave into those thoughts or feelings. In fact, I actually told someone what I was feeling and their response was "Get help or I'm calling someone and getting it for you". A very unlikely source with a shocking response to me. I promised to get help. Through chance or happenstance, I saw an ad in the paper looking for participants for a new anti-depressant drug study being conducted by the Royal Ottawa Hospital. I signed up. The invited me in for an evaluation. I under went a psychiatric exam which concluded that I was not crazy (Just like Sheldon, I've been tested and I'm sane!!!!!!!!) and the doctor told me that I was clinically depressed. And I started the study. After about 3 weeks, it was clear that I was on the placebo. The doctor gave me the chance to quit the study and get treatment but I toughed it out for the duration so that my results would count. After the study was over, the doctor took the time to talk to me and based on my previous experiences and such, recommended an anti-depressant and I started taking it.

Once again, I ran into a side effects issue but this time, I talked to him about it. Apparently the ones I had were very common and he prescribed me a 2nd med to take along with the first. The combo seemed to work and the side effects left. So then he decided to try the 2nd drug on its own and by golly, that was the magic trick. I felt like myself again. No artificial high. No side effects. Just me. For the first time in 5 years, I felt like my old self. I can't tell you how good that felt. I was on the medication much longer this time and after a year, the doctor decided it was time to go off of it. I was terrified. I still vividly remember what happened the last time. But my fears were for nought. The demons stayed away...for a while. When the did return, it was only in the winter and the doctor told me that it was seasonal depression. He said that he could give me medication but with seasonal, you're depressed for such a shorter period of time that medication is hard to work with, unless the depression is sever. What he gave me instead was advice and tools to cope and be able to manage the seasonal depression.

And that's what I've done ever since. I've gotten much better at coping and dealing and I've picked up some great tips along the way. I read all the new research and studies that come out and pick up advice there. I still have dark days. I still have demons. But they are far and few between. And they are no where as bad as they once were. I'm smart enough and brave enough now to know that should they ever come back that badly, I know where to turn for help and I won't hesitate to do it.

 I understand it now. I know that my dark is so dark only because the light in me is so bright. Shadows are caused by the light and when the light dims, the shadows get bigger. And that's ok. I don't have to be happy every single day, every single moment. I'm allowed be sad. I'm allowed to tell my friends that I don't want to go out because I need a "me" day. I'm allowed to be sarcastic with my co-workers from time to time. LOL. I'm allowed to think and feel and be emotional. I'm allowed to be myself. The good, even better and great days all out number the bad ones. The happy out number the sad. And so long as they continue to do so, I know I'm all good. Without darkness, there can't be light, because if all we had was light, we'd never know how awesome it truly is.

Mental health is very important. Just like a doctor who fixes a broken leg or treats you for the flu, mental issues can be treated and cured. Stop being so afraid. Talk to a friend. Talk to a doctor. Get help, it's out there. Just don't ever give. I promise that I never will.



Thanks for listening.

Good Night!

Sarah

Mental Health

I went to an interesting seminar at work today. It was all about stress in the workplace and mental health. We were taught how identify warning signs of stress, how to avoid it, how to manage it and how recover from it. It was a very well done seminar and we got some great tips. The funny part was that over half of the "stress triggers" in a workplace pretty much sum up my office. LOL. Tell me something that I didn't already know.

Sitting there, listening to the instructor talk about mental health, giving stats about how many people experience mental health issues, how many people don't bother to seek help, the negative stigmas attached to it....it made me realize just how far I've come.

I remember the darkness, the crippling feels of worthlessness. Feeling that I couldn't function. I remember one very specific day in early 2009. I was still in Calgary. I sat on the floor in my living room and I just started to cry. And cried and cried and cried. I didn't think I was ever going to stop. I was beyond sad. I was beyond depressed. I was miserable. Absolutely miserable. I never, ever want to feel that way again.

And thus far, I never have. And I'm pretty certain that I never will again. Why? I've got the tools, the support  system and the wisdom to prevent it from ever getting that bad again. Bad months turned into bad weeks and bad weeks turned into bad days. And 1 bad day is easier to deal with than a whole week of bad days. The really nice part is that those bad days have been further and further apart too. My next goal is to stop worrying about when they'll come back. I'm working on it and am slowly getting better :)

I find more things to smile about everyday. I find more things to be thankful for everyday. I find more things to be happy about everyday. I like me more and more everyday. And that might be the most important thing of all.

Good Night!

Sarah

The Search For Happiness

Despite the fact that I've been trying to focus on my book for the last hour and a bit, my brain has been running along in the background, ponder something I heard earlier this evening. I was listening to a radio interview and the guy being interviewed basically said that he needed to do what was necessary to find his happiness. This really stuck with me and has had me thinking about my happiness too and what I'm willing to do to get it.

Looking back on my life, I realized that in high school I spent a lot of time doing things to either make other people happy or keep other people happy. Some days I wish I could steal Doc Brown's time machine and travel back to high school and talk some sense into my self. But I guess you can't live and learn if you don't make the mistakes in the first place.

In my second year of college, I finally admitted to myself that I had a serious problem and sought help. That was the first time I really took any great strides towards trying to be happy. In that case, I ended up taking anti-depressants. Which worked. I had a great doctor who took the time to ensure that we found the right medication and ensured that I got better.

The next quest for happiness saw me moving 4000kms away to Calgary. That kind of worked. It worked for the first 6 months. The next 3.5 years were kind of on the rough side. I should have sought help but didn't. I was an idiot for not doing that but again, live and learn. So when the opportunity presented itself to move back, I jumped at it and I'm very happy that I did so, even if it meant saying good bye to one of my very best friends. I really do miss watching the Sens games and eating cheap wings with you in Mug's Pub Cam!!

Even though I was back in Ottawa, the job scene didn't have me overly happy. After a year and a half at the place, I was laid off. And I have to admit, I've never been happier in my life to be laid off. It was a huge relief. All the stress was gone. And I was very happy about that.

It's been more than 2 years now and I'm pretty happy. I have a job that I love (which might be ending in 2 short months but I'll cross that bridge when we come to it) and having learnt from my past mistakes, I doubled up my vitamin D dosage per day and what a HUGE difference that has made. Amazing.

Everything is slowly falling into place. I don't feel guilty about doing things that make me happy anymore or better yet, I don't feel as guilty for saying "no" to things that I know won't make me happy. Like why I haven't had sex in a very long time. While sex does make me happy (seriously, if it doesn't you're doing something very, very wrong), casual sex doesn't make me happy. It might temporarily but not the next morning. I keep being asked why a "young, liberated, independent woman" like me isn't out living it up. It's simple. It's because this young, liberated, independent woman happens to have some rather old fashioned morals (I blame my parents) and as much as I want to be seen as cool or popular or whatever the hell makes you part of the in crowd these days, if I means doing things that don't make me happy, count me out. Call it selfish if you will, but if it doesn't make me happy, I'm not interested.

My trip to the grocery store this evening saw me make a rather silly "happy" decision too. I was hungry. Which is a horrible thing when you're in a store surrounded by food. The beautifully glazed doughnuts and delicious looking cheese sticks were calling my name. Eating them would have made me happy, for about 10 minutes. Then the guilt would have set in. Again, learn from your mistakes. I've been an emotional eater for years and I know better. Food can be just like a drug. So I said no and kept walking. Instead, I decided to have chicken fajitas for dinner and bought the ingredients for that. I skipped the chip aisle all together (not trusting the earlier will power) and opted to get some roasted soy nuts for a snack instead. The fajitas I made were pretty kick ass too. I had an avocado in the fridge so I made some fresh guacamole to go on them and sauteed up some mushrooms and they were amazing. So much more delicious and filling than a stupid doughnut would have been, that's for sure. And that one, seemingly insignificant decision made me very happy this evening.

Whether it's a big decision, like deciding to take a chance on a new job and a new city or a small one like making a smarter food choice in the grocery store, making the decision to be happy is the best one of all.
It isn't easy for me, especially in the winter, but I know what to do to cope, to get through it and get back to being happy. I know the triggers for emotional eating and am finding new ways to deal with that all the time - like drinking tea instead. The only down side to that seems to be getting up to pee at 2am. LOL.

And right now, wrapping up this blog and crawling into my nice, warm, comfortable bed is going to make me very happy :)

Good Night!

Sarah

One of my most favourite "Happy" places

Happy New Year: Resolutions for 2013

So I didn't blog last night, mainly because it was New Year's Eve and by the time we'd finished watching the movies, I was way too tired to blog. I thought about blogging this morning but couldn't really get motivated. That and I had too much of an audience. And trust me, my mom has been pouting all day because she didn't have anything to read. I'm pretty sure my brother was too hungover to notice the lack of blog so I'm good on that front.

Looking back, 2012 was a pretty good year. It got off to a kind of sucky start in the fact that I ended up spending New Year's Eve home alone (plans got cancelled on me). But it actually wasn't that bad. I still had fun. 2012 ended in a kind of sucky fashion too seeing as I had a stomach virus at Christmas and just as I started to feel better, I came down with a sinus cold. I'm blaming the cigarette smoke at my parents' place for that. But everything in between was pretty good. I managed to find my way more often than I have in years. I was home for my mom's 65th bday, my niece's Christening and summer holidays. Getting to see family more often was a definite plus. I got a 1 year contract in 2012 (which I'm really hoping to at least repeat that this year) and am doing a job that I actually enjoy doing. I went to Montreal for a weekend all by myself and in doing so proved to myself that sitting around and just hoping for something to happen never works and that I'm a lot braver than I give myself credit for.

I also started blogging in 2012. It's been almost 6 months since I started. Some days I can't believe that I've been able to keep it up this long. Other days I wonder how I ever got by without blogging.

2013 got off to a slightly interesting start with involved watching my parents snake out the sewer clean-out this morning. My mother owns an 18 foot long, professional, sewer snake, designed to go into a sewer clean out and remove any blockages. Seriously? Who else's mom has that (who isn't married to a plumber!)?? Apparently our toilet didn't like the toilet paper currently being used. It wasn't breaking down fast enough I guess. Fun times. I assisted by bringing more newspaper and paper towels. That's a fantastic way to start off the new year. After that was all cleaned up and I got to have my shower, we hit the road and once again visited my favourite 100 year old, Mr. B. I helped him by throwing out some dead plants that were in his house. I'm pretty sure they died of heat stroke. When I picked the one up, he actually asked me to water it. I told him I was pretty sure it was beyond hope. So now he gets to buy new ones. LOL.

This evening, my parents and I went to dinner with my great Aunt and Uncle and my Grandparents. It was really nice. The restaurant wasn't very crowded so we could talk and actually be heard at the other end of the table. After dinner I said my good byes since I'm heading back to Ottawa on Thursday. The tail end of my visits are always a little sad since I have to say goodbye to everyone and 90% of the time, I don't know when I'll see them again.

Since 2013 is here, it's time for some resolutions. I stopped making them several years ago because I never kept them so why bother? But I started making them again a couple of years ago. I just started to get smarter about them and make them less specific. So here are my resolutions for 2013:

1. Be Happy. Seems simple enough right? Not quite. I do have depression issues, which are mostly seasonal in nature but even when I'm happy, I don't let myself actually "be" happy. I start to worry that something bad is going to come along and change everything. Or that my depression will come back at full force. I have to stop that. When I'm happy, I need to embrace it and enjoy it. Not ruin it with "what ifs".

2. Stress less, Worry less, Laugh more. I'm a worrier. I worry, a lot and often. I worry about big things and little things. This leads to stress. I'm almost 600kms away from my office right now, yet I'm already stressing about what's waiting for me when I get back and what work has to be done and in such a short time frame too. ENOUGH! I've had to tell myself several times over the last few days to knock it off and stop worrying about work. I'm only one person. No one else really seems to notice is some of the smaller things don't get done. So long as my boss is happy with my work and I'm happy with my work, then we're good. I have to stop letting it bug me. I need to find more things that I love doing, that make me laugh and smile and focus on those. Leave the worries behind and re-focus my energy.

3. Have faith. This one isn't as religious as you'd think. It's more along the lines of me needing to have faith in myself, in others as well as in God and the Universe. I need to have faith in myself that I will be able to figure everything own in my own sweet time. I need to have faith in others and believe that they won't let me down, won't abandon me if I ask for help or reveal that I don't have it as much together as I lead most people to believe. And I need to have more faith in the fact that God/the Universe isn't going to drop me on my ass. I might be tested, but they won't let me fail. I'm a good person and deserve to be happy.

4. Stop being afraid. Fear is stupid reason for not doing something. And I have to stop letting it be my excuse for not doing things that I want to do. Like Montreal. I got over my fear and had an awesome time. I need to do more of that.

5. Stop being complacent. If I want things to change, I can't just wish the change to happen. I need to get off my ass and make it happen. I have to be the change that I want to be. I have a crappy little apartment. I complain about it all the time. Fine. I need to either move or make changes to make the sucker less crappy. I need to stop accepting mediocre. I don't have a fairy godmother so I need to take whatever steps are necessary to take my dreams and make them real. My 2013 horoscope said " If you can dream it, you can have it. Don't settle for less". Sounds like damn good advice to me.

So that's the list. 5 resolutions for 2013. This year will be a happy and healthy one. And I hope it's full of good luck, good laughter and great people too. And lots and lots of love.

Happy New Year Everyone!

Sarah

Lonely Soul

What to say about today? It was an up and down and up and down day. And not in the fun way that many of you are probably thinking.

I got to sleep in this morning, which was pretty awesome. I really needed the sleep. I then ran some errands and got the bread that I forgot to get yesterday. I came home and reluctantly, started doing the dishes and other mundane house work actives.

Somewhere in the middle of it, a few of my demons escaped and I was overwhelmed with some negative thoughts and emotions. I fought it for a while but eventually gave up on the dishes and gave in. My soul was sad. It happens. Then my doubt demons run amuck for a bit. I took a time out, sat on the edge of my bed and looked out my window, watching the sun dance between the leaves on the tree. And I let the tears flow.

I remember a time when this was almost a daily occurrence. I hated my life so much and I was so miserable and I didn't know why. Nothing made sense. I was scared, angry, confused and lost. Thankfully, I sought help and found the light at the end of the tunnel. Now the sadness makes sense. The demons are under control and stay locked up, most of the time.

In fact, today was the first day in quite some time that I've felt like this. It was a sudden and very profound sense of loneliness. It happens. I've been single since 2006 and haven't been on a date since 2009, so things are a little bleak in my relationship sphere. My family isn't near by and I've spent an awful lot of time by myself lately, so it all kind of ganged up on me. I gave myself permission to be sad for 30 minutes. And then I dusted myself off, got back up and continued on with my afternoon, feeling much better. I experimented with dessert and ended up with a very yummy baked apple.

Now I'm just sad about the fact that the Emmy Nominees from The Big Bang Theory didn't win :(

I hear my bed calling so it's time for me to log off.

Good Night!

Sarah