Goodbye 2021 (Day 656)

 2021 will come to an end in roughly 10.5 hours and it's ening a lot like 2020 did. We're still dealing with a pandemic, case counts are on the rise, gathering resturictions and limits are being put in place and people are speding hours waiting in long time ups. This time it's fr booster shots and rapid tests. Thank god we have toilet paper this time around.

So we saw a small reprieve n the summer whne case counts went down and vaccines were going in arms en mass. A new varint of Covid that diesn't give a shit about any of that changed things over the last month and a bit and here we are. At least I wasn't afraif to travel home to see my family for Christmas this year and this time I was able to hug my great aunt and uncle. Still didn't get to see my niece thouh.

Most of 2020 sucked hard. But 2021 say a marked improvement. It felt like a few things came into alignment for me. My health improved. I was able to get out and walk more, which made a word of difference. I somehow managed to remove 55lbs from my body (pre-Christmas of course!).  So here's hoping this trend continues into 2022. I still have eye issues and am still worried about Covid 19 but otherwise, things seem to be going well. My family are healthy and all seem to be ok too, so that's a blessing I can count. And I have four packs of toilet paper. LOL

Kindness was a big theme this year and something that a lot of people seem to have forgotten. My mom was reading comments on a Facebook post this afternoon. A new "emergency" homeless shelter is opening here, next to a school. Some of the comments from people were downright awful. Without even knowing the details of who will be staying at that shelter or when, people were villifying the homeless. I hope that none of those people commenting every have to know what it's like to lose everything. To struggle with mental illness or addiction. To have no home. Judge not lest ye be judged and all that. 

Here's hoping that those who opted to be more kind can keep it up for the new year as well. The world needs more kindness.

On the positive side, I got to see more family in 2021. I was able to travel home in July to see my parents and then came to visit me at Thanksgiving and I'm here now for Christmas and New Yeas. My aunt and unclde from Thunder Bay spent a day with me in late September. It's been a minute since I've seen them. LOL. Still not broad travels for me though. Perhaps things will improve enough so that I can venture out within Canada at least. I guess we'll have to wait and see.

I have to admit, way back back on March 16th 2020, I had no idea that this virus would still be kicking our asses. That we'd still be working from home. That we'd still be seperated from our families. 

I feel like I'm heading into 2022 with a lot more optimism. Sorry to dump so much hope on you 2022, but I think you can handle it.

Happy New Year!

Sarah

Days 7,8 and 9 - Three for the price of one

I didn't blog last night or the night before. I was too tired and quite frankly, feeling too depressed to bother.

Sunday was the worst day yet. I had no desire to do anything. I didn't even feel like eating (which has it's pros and cons for me). Nothing would hold my interest. I tried watching movies and would lose inerest afer five minutes. Tried reading and would lose interest after a page or two. The highlight of my day was feed peanuts to a squirrel while I sat on my balcony. I'd toss one down to it. It would run into the tree and sit on branch and eat the peanut and then come back down the tree looking for more. It was really cute.

Yesterday I was back at work...from my home office (aka, kitchen table). It was a busy enough day and it kept me occupied.

I was taken to remark yesterday afternoon, that I was surprised by which one of my demons has decided to surface during this time of uncertainty. If someone had asked me to bet on which one would come out to play, my money would have been on my anxiety. Given all the unknows and such, I should be anxious as hell right now, but I'm not. I'm actually quite calm. I think my brain has decided that the situation is what it is, and there's noting we can do to change it, so just sitting back and relaxing is the way to go. I've got food, I've got cleaning supplies (even if my Windex was hiding on my today), I've got toilet paper. I'm ok. So my anxiety is staying at bay. It's my depression that's hanging around. Normally, this time of year, my "winter blues" (seasonal depression) is waning. I feel better and happier. More energetic. But not this time. Not right now.

I think part of the issue is that I'm actually grieving. While no one died, I did suffer a couple of losses thanks to Covid. I didn't get to visit with my parents (whom I haven't seen since late December) and my knee didn't get fixed. Which has a spiraling effect. I was looking foward to being about to get out and walk again, enjoy the warmer spring temps. I was stating to look ahead to the summer and try to decide where I want to go for holidays, who I wanted to visit. That's all gone now.  There's no point in me travelling anywhere as I can only walk for about 10 minutes before I need to stop. Literally every step I take is painful. I think I'm still greiving the loss of what was supposed to be a return of my freedome.

I am taking some comfort in the fact that there's a reason for my depression for once. Usually there's no rhyme or reason to it but this time, I think I can pin point a reason or two.  And I know that the Universe isn't picking on me, so this isn't a "why me" situation. But it still sucks. And it still hurts. More importantly, I'll allowed to feel this way. Looks like I need to process the grief in order to feel better rather than hoping that the sunshine will just improve my mood. For the record, the nice weather does help. So does feeding the squirrels.

Today was a better day, largely due to the fact that I didn't actually start working until almost 11am. Our system was down this morning and no one could log in remotely. So I used the time to start clearning my bathroom. I think it was a very good use of my time! I made tacos for dinner tonight since it's #tacotuesday. LOL. I still didn't venture out but I did sit on my balcony, twice today, and enjoyed the sunshine and fresh air. I really does help.

Mmmm, tacos

"We know what we are, but know not what we may be." - William Shakespeare.

Welcome to 2020 and Social Distancing (days 1 and 2)

Hi there.

It's been a while. Almost two years in fact. Thought I'd pop in here, dust things off and get some thughts out of brain.

Given the current state of affairs and the new normal of social distancing, I've decided to resurrect my blog and use it as a means of self care during these uncertain times.

To bring eveyrone up to speed, I'm still in Ottawa. Still gainfully employed. Still single and have been limping since September. I tore my meniscus disk in my right knee on September 14th. Yes, it hurt, yes it still hurts, just not as badly. I was supposed to be having surgery in three days to fix it, but my surgery was cancelled (postponed really) until things with the Covid 19 are cleared up and it's safe to resume non-emergency surgery. Yes, I'm bummbed. I was looking forward to getting back to normal. But what really hurts is that I don't get to see my parents. They were coming up to help me but aren't now that my surgery is cancelled. It's safer for them to stay at home too.

So yesterday was the first real day of the ramped up social distancing thing. We received an email late Sunday night saying that we are to work from home where ever possible. My team and I still went into the office Monday morning, just to get a few things sorted out and to check things out with our Director. I stayed until the early afternoon and then headed home, stopping for some last minute supplies along the way, before logging back into my work accround from home. So yesterday was an alright day. Public Transit was deserted and that seemed really weird as was my office building. Other than that, nothing strange.

I tried to sleep in this morning but my internal clock had me up around my usual time. I guess that will take some getting used to. Logged into work and spent the day working remotely. Again, nothing too out of the ordinary, I've worked from home before.

My parents called this morning to say hi. I got a song played on a local radio stations "Old School Lunch" and I danced around my living room like an idiot. It was great. It was the break I needed at that moment.

(Click here to see what I was dancing to)

I've been deliberately limited my access to the news. It helps keep my anxiety at bay and doesn't overhwhelm me. I'm fortunate too that I have work to focus on and keep me going. LIke i said, today seemed pretty normal.

The surreal part of all of this didn't hitmy until about an hour ago. I was sitting on my couch, watching tv and it dawned on me that I didn't need to go to work tomorrow. Or the next day. Or the next day.....I turned on the national news. They were showing video from countries around the world, showing just how empty popular tourist spots are. The shot of Trafalgar Square in London hit me as I've been there somewhat recently and I remember how packed it was with people and just life in general.

I still can't quite wrap my head around it all. I'm old enough to remember the SARS outbreak and the H1N1 flu and neither were anything like this. Granted, social media wasn't as prolific during SARS so the information wasn't spearding quite as much, but this time around, it's very different.

I sit here wondering how many days it's going to take before the gravity of the situation finally sets in. How many days before this becomes my "normal"?  How long is this going to last? Will the virus spread stop? Will the disease drop off? Will they have a vaccine for us soon?

I really don't know.

All I can do is sit here and hope. Keep the belief that the Universe will look after us. That maybe this is what the world needs to make us start focusing on the really important things again.

Until then, I'm going to read my book(s), spend time on my balcony and dance arond my living room like an idiot several times a day.

Two days down.....

Oh, and Happy St. Patrick's Day! "May you live as long as you want, and never want as long as you live".