The other issue is that there's a lot of very sad things happening in the little world around me and they've been on my mind a lot. And is silly as it sounds, I didn't want that sadness coming out in my blog. But that's the point of my blog. To write about what I think and feel and get it out of my system.
I'm a very emotional person. When I was a teenager, I used to think that people who expressed their emotions so much were saps and I made fun of them. Well I guess Karma's a bitch because that's kind of the person I turned into. When I'm really happy, I cry, but I laugh at the same time. When I'm sad, I cry. When I laugh too much, I cry. When I tired or frustrated, I cry. When I'm mad....ok, that's like the only time I don't cry. My point is, I'm very much in touch with my emotions. I recognize them and that they're there. They exist. And no, I don't spend a lot of my time crying. It's actually been fairly rare as of late, well before the last 2 weeks. I'm not a weepy person. I just recognize them and I know how and when to keep them in check and I know when to let them go.
Society put so much emphasis on hiding those emotions. We're supposed to pretend that nothing makes us sad and if it does, we keep it to ourselves. Heaven forbid a man cries - they're seen as less masculine. A woman who cries is seen as weak. Why? We all have emotions and keeping them bottled up inside is never a good thing.
To add to my connection to my emotions, I'm also quite empathic. Meaning, I pick up on and react to the emotions of people around me. If people around me are stress or tense or there's a large amount of tension going on between a group of people - I get a knot in my stomach. If people around me are being overly negative or angry - I become exhausted and edgy. If people around me are sad - I start feeling depressed too. I'm sure we all react those around us but I just seem to react to them more than most.
All of this back story is to say that I almost started to cry on the bus on the way home tonight. I was reading an email on my phone from my mom. She attended the second funeral of a dear friend today. It was Mr. B's funeral. My mom was telling me how sad it was and that they played the "Last Post", and that kind of did my mom in. It would have done me in too. I'm sure I would have been a mess long before they got to that part.
The whole thing makes me sad. The fact that my mom had to go to the funeral alone upsets me. It's one of those times that I wished I lived closer, so that I could have gone with her for moral support. Mr. B was like a second father to her so you can understand why she's sad. And the fact that Mr.B's daughter has lost both of her parents in the course of 1 week - that she's had to to go through 2 separate visitations and 2 separate funerals, each a week a part. It makes my heart break for her. And then there's me. I've known Mr. B my entire life. This past summer, my dad and I took him grocery shopping. I can't remember the last time I had so much fun in a grocery store. He was a hoot and a half. He got me to help him fill up a bag full of chocolate covered almonds from the bulk section. I put a big scoop in and then he told me to add more. I did. Then he told me to add more. So I did. This went on a few times and we had quite a full bag of almonds. He looked at me and said "Yup, that should last the week" LOL. I think the bag cost $12 on its own! Mr. B was quite the card, a real character. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I'm blessed just to have known him. And I really hope his family has a chance to grieve and heal now.
The weather here isn't helping either. It's still snowing. Today's the first day of Spring but you wouldn't know it by looking outside. We're in for another 7cms of snow or so between tomorrow morning and Friday morning. I'm just so sick of the cold and snow. Here's hoping the sunshine and warm weather find us soon.
Good Night!
Sarah
Mr.B and I
My mom and Mr.B
