Count Your Blessings.

I've had a very rough couple of weeks. It's nothing that's happened to me specifically, just people around me. I felt like I was the only thing standing still in the middle of a tornado. All kinds of bad things happening to good people and I felt so helpless, because there wasn't much I could do to help everyone. I did what I could but somehow, it didn't feel like anything at all.

And then I get to work today, after commuting in on the bus like I do everyday, to hear that 6 people had died quite horrifically, doing the same thing I'd just done - commuted to work. They got on a bus, heading to school or work like any other day. Except their bus hit a train today and mine arrived safely, like normal.
After work, I got on a bus again, like I do everyday and I made it home, safe and sound. Just like we're supposed to.

So in light of all the bad, here's some good stuff:

Last Wednesday, a co-workers 20 year old son (who worked for us this summer too) collapsed while playing basketball and had to be shocked 3 times with a defib. before he started to breath again. He's now awake, breathing on his own, talking and has no brain damage and will hopefully be going home soon. Crazy happy news.

One of my closest friend's husband had a CT scan last week because they thought he might have cancer. Something had shown up on a chest X-Ray last month that didn't look good. So after waiting over a month, doing the whole "what if" thing, they got the test results back tonight: NO CANCER!!!!!!! Very Happy News!

And to round it out, a couple co-workers who've been working part time and haven't been able to find full time steady work were all able to get full time positions!!!! Very Happy News!

So there's some wonderful news to share. I'm now going to go and count my blessings and go to bed.

Good Night.

Sarah

Emotions

Those of you who follow my blog may have noticed that I haven't been writing as often. I've been really tried lately so by the time I've thought to blog, I'm just too drained to do it. So I'm attempting to blog earlier today in hopes of being able to stay awake and think clearly long enough to get something out.

The other issue is that there's a lot of very sad things happening in the little world around me and they've been on my mind a lot. And is silly as it sounds, I didn't want that sadness coming out in my blog. But that's the point of my blog. To write about what I think and feel and get it out of my system.

I'm a very emotional person. When I was a teenager, I used to think that people who expressed their emotions so much were saps and I made fun of them. Well I guess Karma's a bitch because that's kind of the person I turned into. When I'm really happy, I cry, but I laugh at the same time. When I'm sad, I cry. When I laugh too much, I cry. When I tired or frustrated, I cry. When I'm mad....ok, that's like the only time I don't cry. My point is, I'm very much in touch with my emotions. I recognize them and that they're there. They exist. And no, I don't spend a lot of my time crying. It's actually been fairly rare as of late, well before the last 2 weeks. I'm not a weepy person. I just recognize them and I know how and when to keep them in check and I know when to let them go.

Society put so much emphasis on hiding those emotions. We're supposed to pretend that nothing makes us sad and if it does, we keep it to ourselves. Heaven forbid a man cries - they're seen as less masculine. A woman who cries is seen as weak. Why? We all have emotions and keeping them bottled up inside is never a good thing.

To add to my connection to my emotions, I'm also quite empathic. Meaning, I pick up on and react to the emotions of people around me. If people around me are stress or tense or there's a large amount of tension going on between a group of people - I get a knot in my stomach. If people around me are being overly negative or angry - I become exhausted and edgy. If people around me are sad - I start feeling depressed too. I'm sure we all react those around us but I just seem to react to them more than most.

All of this back story is to say that I almost started to cry on the bus on the way home tonight. I was reading an email on my phone from my mom. She attended the second funeral of a dear friend today. It was Mr. B's funeral. My mom was telling me how sad it was and that they played the "Last Post", and that kind of did my mom in. It would have done me in too. I'm sure I would have been a mess long before they got to that part.

The whole thing makes me sad. The fact that my mom had to go to the funeral alone upsets me. It's one of those times that I wished I lived closer, so that I could have gone with her for moral support. Mr. B was like a second father to her so you can understand why she's sad. And the fact that Mr.B's daughter has lost both of her parents in the course of 1 week - that she's had to to go through 2 separate visitations and 2 separate funerals, each a week a part. It makes my heart break for her. And then there's me. I've known Mr. B my entire life. This past summer, my dad and I took him grocery shopping. I can't remember the last time I had so much fun in a grocery store. He was a hoot and a half. He got me to help him fill up a bag full of chocolate covered almonds from the bulk section. I put a big scoop in and then he told me to add more. I did. Then he told me to add more. So I did. This went on a few times and we had quite a full bag of almonds. He looked at me and said "Yup, that should last the week" LOL. I think the bag cost $12 on its own! Mr. B was quite the card, a real character. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I'm blessed just to have known him. And I really hope his family has a chance to grieve and heal now.

The weather here isn't helping either. It's still snowing. Today's the first day of Spring but you wouldn't know it by looking outside. We're in for another 7cms of snow or so between tomorrow morning and Friday morning. I'm just so sick of the cold and snow. Here's hoping the sunshine and warm weather find us soon.

Good Night!

Sarah

Mr.B and I

My mom and Mr.B

Let's Talk - in support of Mental Health

Seeing as today is Bell's "Let's Talk" day, a day to support Mental Health, I decided that would be exactly what I'd do.

I have a mental health issue. I've had one for nearly 14 years.

I was in my third and final year of University and I was miserable. I'd lost interest in all my favourite hobbies, my diet was all over the place, I was crazy tired all the time yet I couldn't sleep, I had no energy and I cried all the time. So I went to see a doctor on campus. He said that it sounded like depression and prescribed me an anti-depressant and scheduled me for a follow up appointment. What? Me? Depressed?? Not possible. I had nothing to be sad about. Nope, he had to be wrong. But he wasn't. I really didn't like that first drugs. Yes, my mood improved but it felt fake. And the side effects were awful. He put me on a different one and things got better. This one seemed to work a bit better. No advice, no assistance other than "take the meds". So I did. After a few months of feeling good, he took me off the drugs and away I went, thinking I was all better.

Boy was I wrong. The darkness and the demons came back. Slowly, so I didn't really notice, but they came back. And they brought friends. I had terrible mood swings and I was looking for happiness in all the wrong places. I would spend an entire afternoon or evening, just sitting on my bed or on the floor in the living room, looking at the wall, tears running down my face. Not eating, not sleeping, not talking to anyone. The scariest part? The part that I've never told anyone, ever - was that I used to compose suicide notes in my head. I'd try and try and try to find a way to justify taking my own life. I tried so hard to think up a way to explain to my family and friends why I wanted to leave them and how much better off they'd be without me... That was 11 years ago. And it hurts so much to remember that. To remember what I was thinking and feeling then. As long as I live, I will never forget that darkness. It's a part of my forever and it reminds me of how strong I am and how far I've come.

Obviously, I never gave into those thoughts or feelings. In fact, I actually told someone what I was feeling and their response was "Get help or I'm calling someone and getting it for you". A very unlikely source with a shocking response to me. I promised to get help. Through chance or happenstance, I saw an ad in the paper looking for participants for a new anti-depressant drug study being conducted by the Royal Ottawa Hospital. I signed up. The invited me in for an evaluation. I under went a psychiatric exam which concluded that I was not crazy (Just like Sheldon, I've been tested and I'm sane!!!!!!!!) and the doctor told me that I was clinically depressed. And I started the study. After about 3 weeks, it was clear that I was on the placebo. The doctor gave me the chance to quit the study and get treatment but I toughed it out for the duration so that my results would count. After the study was over, the doctor took the time to talk to me and based on my previous experiences and such, recommended an anti-depressant and I started taking it.

Once again, I ran into a side effects issue but this time, I talked to him about it. Apparently the ones I had were very common and he prescribed me a 2nd med to take along with the first. The combo seemed to work and the side effects left. So then he decided to try the 2nd drug on its own and by golly, that was the magic trick. I felt like myself again. No artificial high. No side effects. Just me. For the first time in 5 years, I felt like my old self. I can't tell you how good that felt. I was on the medication much longer this time and after a year, the doctor decided it was time to go off of it. I was terrified. I still vividly remember what happened the last time. But my fears were for nought. The demons stayed away...for a while. When the did return, it was only in the winter and the doctor told me that it was seasonal depression. He said that he could give me medication but with seasonal, you're depressed for such a shorter period of time that medication is hard to work with, unless the depression is sever. What he gave me instead was advice and tools to cope and be able to manage the seasonal depression.

And that's what I've done ever since. I've gotten much better at coping and dealing and I've picked up some great tips along the way. I read all the new research and studies that come out and pick up advice there. I still have dark days. I still have demons. But they are far and few between. And they are no where as bad as they once were. I'm smart enough and brave enough now to know that should they ever come back that badly, I know where to turn for help and I won't hesitate to do it.

 I understand it now. I know that my dark is so dark only because the light in me is so bright. Shadows are caused by the light and when the light dims, the shadows get bigger. And that's ok. I don't have to be happy every single day, every single moment. I'm allowed be sad. I'm allowed to tell my friends that I don't want to go out because I need a "me" day. I'm allowed to be sarcastic with my co-workers from time to time. LOL. I'm allowed to think and feel and be emotional. I'm allowed to be myself. The good, even better and great days all out number the bad ones. The happy out number the sad. And so long as they continue to do so, I know I'm all good. Without darkness, there can't be light, because if all we had was light, we'd never know how awesome it truly is.

Mental health is very important. Just like a doctor who fixes a broken leg or treats you for the flu, mental issues can be treated and cured. Stop being so afraid. Talk to a friend. Talk to a doctor. Get help, it's out there. Just don't ever give. I promise that I never will.



Thanks for listening.

Good Night!

Sarah