You're Such A Positive Person

It's been a very rough week. And we're only half way through. I haven't been feeling so hot. Last night was really bad and I spent the day in a fog, concentrating very hard on holding it together.

Maybe it's the early cold weather that we've had. Or perhaps is the abundance of alone time I've had of late. Two weekends in a row plans went askew/off the rails and I ended up flying solo, which isn't anything new for me. It just sucks when I actually make plans and start to look forward to some human contact and conversation and then end up on my own anyhow. Or maybe it's the reminder/realization that I really am on my own here. It's just me. I am not a priority in anyone's world, except my own. Maybe one day that will change, and I think I'd really like that, but for now, it's my reality. I'm always the one asking other people to do stuff. I can't recall the last time someone approached me and invited me to do something. Unless you count my new boss. She invited me to do a 5k walk with her at 7am on Sunday. I think she was mostly kidding though as she was trying to find a way out of it. It just really sucks that people mean more to me than I mean to them. Actually, it doesn't suck. It hurts. 

Anyhow, it was a rough day. I didn't sleep well last night. I was late getting up, late getting moving. Got to work and had multiple items thrown at me right of the get go. That part actually helped. It distracted me for a bit. Let me get outside my own head for a while. It was a nice change of scenery. I did go for a walk at lunch and that felt good. The fresh air on my face helped to wake me up a bit more and just being away from the office made my soul feel better for a while. My afternoon was ok until about 3pm when I started having dizzy spells and my head felt tight, like it was in a vice. Brutal. Don't know if was a stress issue, or I'm coming down with something or low blood sugar or pressure. Who knows. All I know is that I felt like crap. All I wanted to do was go home. But some co-workers needed help and I soldiered on.

I was just getting ready to leave work when one of our officers started talking to me and asking for some information. So we got into a discussion. Said officer actually said some very complimentary things to me about my work and hopes for my future, then they said something that almost made me burst out laughing/break down crying. They said "You're such an optimistic person". I'm standing there, feeling like crap. I'm exhausted from holding it together all day, having been on the verge of tears about 6 times that day, cried myself to sleep the night before and they're standing there telling me how optimistic I am.

The Universe really loves throwing stuff like that at me. I found it funny and sad all at the same time. I guess this means I was doing a good job of not letting it show how miserable I was today. I hate feeling like this. But I've been through it enough times now to just sit back and let it get out of my system. Give myself a day to wallow and then slowly pick myself up, dust myself off and start putting one foot in front of the other again.

Tomorrow will be a new day. Hopefully the sun will be out and the black cloud hanging around me will start to sail away. So long as I have hope, I have something going for me.

Now it's time to go and hopefully have a full and restful night's sleep.

Good Night

Sarah

Is the Glass Half Full or Half Empty? Or is it Just a Glass?

Has anyone seen my "Happy Ever After"? It seems to be missing and I'd really like to find it.

A strange thing just happened to me. While surfing on Pinterest (I'd said it before and I'll say it again, it's a dangerous site), I kept seeing a lot of photos of various landmarks in Europe. Touring the UK and Western Europe is a dream of mine. So tonight, I'm daydreaming away, pinning new picks and mentally planning my dream trip when I suddenly realized that I was planning it alone. As in, I was mentally planning a solo trip. My subconscious just naturally took that assumption in. Then I realized that it's something I almost always do. Whenever I get a fit of whimsy and I decide to price out a cool vacation just for shits and giggles, I always look at single occupancy rates (which sucks because they're higher!!). When did I start doing that? When did my brain just start assuming that I'd be alone when I did stuff like this?

I used to daydream about romantic getaways and dream vacations with a yet unknown Mr. X but that seems to had faded away. I'm not quite sure what to think about that.

Kind of like the other day at lunch. The ladies I dine with were talking about what the weekend plans had held and one of them said that she spent some time alone and how great it was to have some "me" time and awesome it is to just get the opportunity to spend a few hours by yourself from time to time. All I could think was that's how I spend 90% of my time and I can't really see why you're so excited about it. And again, I realized that when I sit down and start to plan my weekends out, I plan stuff to do on my own. I just seem to assume that I'm flying solo and I plan from there. Not sure when that started either. I haven't been consciously aware of the fact that I'm doing it.

I really don't know how I should feel about these realizations.

I don't know if I should be incredibly sad that my own subconscious seems to have given up hope or if I should feel empowered that I'm strong enough, brave enough and independent enough not to be terrified of the thought of venturing out into the world on my own.

Am I reacting to some subtle message from the Universe that said that I'm not meant to find a mate. That I'm supposed to go it alone and my mind is protecting me from future hurt by getting me used to spending so much time alone now? Or have I just simply decided that I don't need someone else to define me. To make me happy. I'm enough on my own. I'm all I need and thus can continue on a solo path and still find a blissful happiness?

Tonight isn't a "glass is half empty" night. It's not a "glass is half full" night either. Tonight's the kind of night where all I know is that there's a glass and a whole mess of questions. Questions who's answers are all written in the stars.

Good Night.

Sarah.

The Busiest and Loneliest Time Of The Year

Boy did I ever had a productive day today!

I was awake at 8am and up and moving by 8:15. I did 4 loads of laundry, most of which were dedicates and couldn't go in the dryer so there are currently damp clothes strewn all over my apartment. The up side is that my apartment smell great thanks to my fabric softener.  After all that, I grabbed my mail and headed to the post office where I patiently waited in line. The man before me was sending a money order. Just as his transaction was finishing, the store's computer system froze/crashed. The manager guy said that it would take a half hour to reboot. Nuts to that. So I headed onto stop #2: Walmart.

Before I could arrive at Walmart, I saw a bus coming that would take me to Carlingwood, and there's a postal outlet there. So off I went, on an unscheduled detour. I was able to mail my packages and did a little shopping. I was able to pick up 3 more small gifts there, ran into Xtina's parents, whom I haven't seen in quite some time, had a little chat with them and then I grabbed lunch to go and came home to eat. After watching A Flintstones Christmas and eating my lunch, it was back out the door for my next stop: Bayshore.

Being the 2nd last weekend before Christmas, the mall was predictably insane. I ran into one of my co-workers and his wife there and chatted with them for a few minutes. Then it was off to the eyeglass store to get one of my new pairs adjusting. One of the arms had been digging into my ear. Not so pleasant. But it's all good now! I then went on and did a little more shopping and got the gift for the Secret Santa gift exchange at work. After fighting my way through the crowds at Bayshore, it was off to attempt Walmart again since I got distracted the first time.

I made it to Walmart. Thankfully, it wasn't too zoo-like seeing as it was heading into the dinner hour. I was able to find most of what I was looking for and get out of there without having to spend too long standing in line.

After that, I finally headed home. I ordered in Swiss Chalet for dinner and watched Corner Gas and then got caught up on the last 2 episodes of Elementary that I had missed. Add in killing some time on Facebook and putting some clothes away in my closet and you have my evening so far. It's not thrilling, but it's relaxing and peaceful, which is just what I need.

Christmas is awesome. It's full of pretty lights and shiny things, peace, love and good cheer. Happy memories, laughter and good food. But for me, Christmas is also the loneliest time of the year.

80% of the time, I'm perfectly happy and content with being single and being on my own. But not at Christmas. Heck, Valentine's Day is a cake walk compared to this. Out shopping today, everywhere you looked it was families shopping together or couples walking hand in hand down the hall. Except for that one poor guy that I passed who was standing there all alone, surrounded by about 20 bags. You knew damn well that he was only there to "guard" them and that there was likely a gaggle of females near by purchasing more to the add to the poor guy's collection.

Yes, some of my feelings of lowliness can be attributed to the fact that my seasonal depression is at its worst now, being that the shortest day of the year is only 4 days before Christmas, but this feel isn't the same. It's not depression. It's different. It's like my soul is reaching out and saying "hey, something's missing". More like someone's missing.

My great aunt and uncle had their Christmas open house today. I miss going to that, a lot. I do miss my family and I am very excited that I get to see them in 6 more sleeps. Sometimes I wish I could call up my mom and just go out with her for lunch and shopping, like I see so many people doing. Or pop in for Sunday dinner. I guess not being able to see them very often makes the times I do see them so much more valuable and meaningful.

But getting back to the being single at Christmas thing. Everyone says to me "but you don't have the pressure of trying to find them the perfect gift." Are you kidding me? I would gladly take that pressure in exchange for having someone special in my lift right now. Someone to curl up on the couch and watch movies with on cold winter nights. Someone to share hot chocolate with. Someone to kiss under the mistletoe and to kiss at midnight when the New Year comes rushing in.  You know, someone to share the stupid, sappy, cheesey things with that most people take for granted because they just don't know what it's like not to have those things. Hell, pretty much every Christmas carol or Christmas movie illustrates to point of having a special someone at Christmas. Even Clark W Griswold had his wife at his side as be bungled his way through Christmas. And even the Grinch finds love (in the Jim Carey version that is).

Ironically, as I sit here and write about being lonely, a group of co-workers are out watching a fellow co-woker's band play - to which I was invited. I said no thanks because I wanted to be alone to night. There is a major different between being alone and being lonely. I would have liked to gone out with them but pretending to be happy right now is so exhausting that I didn't think I'd be able to last the night. Maybe if the venue had been closer to my place and I was able to leave whenever I wanted instead of waiting on someone for a ride, I might have gone but I figured it was safer this way. You can be surrounded by 50 friends and still be the loneliest person in the room or you can be in a room all alone and not feel lonely at all.

I didn't decorate my apartment this year (or last year either), mostly because I thought to myself "Why bother? No one sees it but me." Which is very true. I did put up a few small things but I didn't bother with the tree or the lights. I did do something different this year. Every Christmas card I receive, I tape to the back of my front door. This way I see the cards almost all the time and am reminded of the people out there who love me :)

I know that I am loved. And I love lots of people too. It's just that one love, that one special love that I'm missing. And this just happens to be the time of the year that it hurts the most. In a couple of weeks, I'll be fine again. I'll be caught up in the hope and renewal that the New Year brings with it. I'll be back into the swing of things at work, the days will slowly start getting longer again and my loneliness will fade. It always does.

So now, my lonely self and I are going to change into our jammies,  get a bowl of frozen yogurt, pop "National Lampoons Christmas Vacation" into the DVD player and laugh out butt off for a bit. Then it's off to bed to spend the night dreaming of the mysterious Mr. Right....he might not be here at the moment but I have unwavering faith that he's out there and when it's meant to be, he'll be here.

If you're reading this and you're lucky enough to have that special someone in your life, grab them, find some mistletoe and remind them how special they are and how lucky you both are.

Good Night!

Sarah

Christmas light mistletoe

Coffe Rant and New Year's Eve

I'm a little cranky tonight. Maybe it's because I'm tired. Or maybe it's because I'm super stressed at work. Or maybe it's because there was nothing good on tv tonight. Or perhaps I just need to get laid. Maybe it's PMS. Or maybe it's that someone who's supposed to be one of my closest friends appears to be deliberately ignoring me as of late. Or maybe it's all of the above. I'm opting to go with the first option at the moment. I'm tired. Very tired.

I had french class this morning. It went well and I got all the answers on my homework correct. The problem is, by the time class is over, I'm totally drained and just want to nap. Having to focus and think in another language for 4 hours is mentally exhausting. The fact that my jackass teacher kept making me say one word over and over about 10 times (yes, I kept pronouncing it wrong, EVERY FUCKING TIME) didn't help the cause either. Once class was over and I got back to the office, I didn't even make it from the door to my desk before I had people bugging me. Fuck, I didn't even get to the elevator. The commissionaire was giving me a hard time about the coffee delivery guy and not being able to reach who he was looking for. Best part? I have nothing to do with the fucking coffee thing. Another co-worker looks after that and she'd given the delivery guy her cell phone number so that he wouldn't have to ask the commissionaire to call up. I then had conversations about said coffee delivery with 2 other people before I was able to reach my desk. Seriously, what a fucking gong show. I deliberately didn't want to get involved with the coffee thing because: A. I very rarely drink coffee so it was of little interest to me and B. I already have way too much on my plate. Yet somehow, it's landed back in my lap. Fuck. We have nearly 150 employees. Surly someone else can step up and take care of the damn thing. Sigh. On the up side, the woman I'm training to help me is catching on very quickly and is very eager to learn and is doing a great job. I'll be happier once she's up to speed and then I'll be able to do my stuff and she'll be able to do hers and we'll be good to go.

Today was a little depressing too because I'm trying to make my Christmas/New Year's holiday plans. I can't decide where to spend New Year's. It's either going to be in Ottawa or at home in Cambridge. Most years, I spend it at home. My parents and I spent New Year's Eve together, watching a movie and then a bunch of family goes for bunch on New Year's Day. Last year, I decided to try something different, and came back to Ottawa for New Year's Eve. While I was supposed to spend it with a friend and her husband, plans changed and I was left to my own devices. Which meant that I spent it home, alone. It actually wasn't that bad. I watched some of my favourite movies and made finger foods and watched the ball fall in NYC on tv and I only had to shuffle into the other room to find my bed. And there was wine in there too. However, you know the old wives tale that says how you spend New Year's Eve is how you'll spend the next year? Well it's September and that tale is bang on the money. I have definitely spent a very large amount of time alone this year. I think the only year that I recall spending more time alone would be my first year in Calgary back in 2005.
I want to party. I want to get all gussied up and put on a great dress and go out and dance and drink and laugh and just have a blast for the night. Just be surrounded by mirth and happiness and hope for a great new year. But unless I plan on doing that on my own, it doesn't look like it will happen this year either. But it's only mid-September. New Year's is still 3.5 months away. A lot can change in that time.

I think it's time for sleep. Here's hoping I can fall asleep quickly and get a solid, restful night's sleep and not wake up feeling like I want to maim half my office :)

Good Night!

Sarah