I was awake at 8am and up and moving by 8:15. I did 4 loads of laundry, most of which were dedicates and couldn't go in the dryer so there are currently damp clothes strewn all over my apartment. The up side is that my apartment smell great thanks to my fabric softener. After all that, I grabbed my mail and headed to the post office where I patiently waited in line. The man before me was sending a money order. Just as his transaction was finishing, the store's computer system froze/crashed. The manager guy said that it would take a half hour to reboot. Nuts to that. So I headed onto stop #2: Walmart.
Before I could arrive at Walmart, I saw a bus coming that would take me to Carlingwood, and there's a postal outlet there. So off I went, on an unscheduled detour. I was able to mail my packages and did a little shopping. I was able to pick up 3 more small gifts there, ran into Xtina's parents, whom I haven't seen in quite some time, had a little chat with them and then I grabbed lunch to go and came home to eat. After watching A Flintstones Christmas and eating my lunch, it was back out the door for my next stop: Bayshore.
Being the 2nd last weekend before Christmas, the mall was predictably insane. I ran into one of my co-workers and his wife there and chatted with them for a few minutes. Then it was off to the eyeglass store to get one of my new pairs adjusting. One of the arms had been digging into my ear. Not so pleasant. But it's all good now! I then went on and did a little more shopping and got the gift for the Secret Santa gift exchange at work. After fighting my way through the crowds at Bayshore, it was off to attempt Walmart again since I got distracted the first time.
I made it to Walmart. Thankfully, it wasn't too zoo-like seeing as it was heading into the dinner hour. I was able to find most of what I was looking for and get out of there without having to spend too long standing in line.
After that, I finally headed home. I ordered in Swiss Chalet for dinner and watched Corner Gas and then got caught up on the last 2 episodes of Elementary that I had missed. Add in killing some time on Facebook and putting some clothes away in my closet and you have my evening so far. It's not thrilling, but it's relaxing and peaceful, which is just what I need.
Christmas is awesome. It's full of pretty lights and shiny things, peace, love and good cheer. Happy memories, laughter and good food. But for me, Christmas is also the loneliest time of the year.
80% of the time, I'm perfectly happy and content with being single and being on my own. But not at Christmas. Heck, Valentine's Day is a cake walk compared to this. Out shopping today, everywhere you looked it was families shopping together or couples walking hand in hand down the hall. Except for that one poor guy that I passed who was standing there all alone, surrounded by about 20 bags. You knew damn well that he was only there to "guard" them and that there was likely a gaggle of females near by purchasing more to the add to the poor guy's collection.
Yes, some of my feelings of lowliness can be attributed to the fact that my seasonal depression is at its worst now, being that the shortest day of the year is only 4 days before Christmas, but this feel isn't the same. It's not depression. It's different. It's like my soul is reaching out and saying "hey, something's missing". More like someone's missing.
My great aunt and uncle had their Christmas open house today. I miss going to that, a lot. I do miss my family and I am very excited that I get to see them in 6 more sleeps. Sometimes I wish I could call up my mom and just go out with her for lunch and shopping, like I see so many people doing. Or pop in for Sunday dinner. I guess not being able to see them very often makes the times I do see them so much more valuable and meaningful.
But getting back to the being single at Christmas thing. Everyone says to me "but you don't have the pressure of trying to find them the perfect gift." Are you kidding me? I would gladly take that pressure in exchange for having someone special in my lift right now. Someone to curl up on the couch and watch movies with on cold winter nights. Someone to share hot chocolate with. Someone to kiss under the mistletoe and to kiss at midnight when the New Year comes rushing in. You know, someone to share the stupid, sappy, cheesey things with that most people take for granted because they just don't know what it's like not to have those things. Hell, pretty much every Christmas carol or Christmas movie illustrates to point of having a special someone at Christmas. Even Clark W Griswold had his wife at his side as be bungled his way through Christmas. And even the Grinch finds love (in the Jim Carey version that is).
Ironically, as I sit here and write about being lonely, a group of co-workers are out watching a fellow co-woker's band play - to which I was invited. I said no thanks because I wanted to be alone to night. There is a major different between being alone and being lonely. I would have liked to gone out with them but pretending to be happy right now is so exhausting that I didn't think I'd be able to last the night. Maybe if the venue had been closer to my place and I was able to leave whenever I wanted instead of waiting on someone for a ride, I might have gone but I figured it was safer this way. You can be surrounded by 50 friends and still be the loneliest person in the room or you can be in a room all alone and not feel lonely at all.
I didn't decorate my apartment this year (or last year either), mostly because I thought to myself "Why bother? No one sees it but me." Which is very true. I did put up a few small things but I didn't bother with the tree or the lights. I did do something different this year. Every Christmas card I receive, I tape to the back of my front door. This way I see the cards almost all the time and am reminded of the people out there who love me :)
I know that I am loved. And I love lots of people too. It's just that one love, that one special love that I'm missing. And this just happens to be the time of the year that it hurts the most. In a couple of weeks, I'll be fine again. I'll be caught up in the hope and renewal that the New Year brings with it. I'll be back into the swing of things at work, the days will slowly start getting longer again and my loneliness will fade. It always does.
So now, my lonely self and I are going to change into our jammies, get a bowl of frozen yogurt, pop "National Lampoons Christmas Vacation" into the DVD player and laugh out butt off for a bit. Then it's off to bed to spend the night dreaming of the mysterious Mr. Right....he might not be here at the moment but I have unwavering faith that he's out there and when it's meant to be, he'll be here.
If you're reading this and you're lucky enough to have that special someone in your life, grab them, find some mistletoe and remind them how special they are and how lucky you both are.
Good Night!
Sarah
Christmas light mistletoe
