A strange thing just happened to me. While surfing on Pinterest (I'd said it before and I'll say it again, it's a dangerous site), I kept seeing a lot of photos of various landmarks in Europe. Touring the UK and Western Europe is a dream of mine. So tonight, I'm daydreaming away, pinning new picks and mentally planning my dream trip when I suddenly realized that I was planning it alone. As in, I was mentally planning a solo trip. My subconscious just naturally took that assumption in. Then I realized that it's something I almost always do. Whenever I get a fit of whimsy and I decide to price out a cool vacation just for shits and giggles, I always look at single occupancy rates (which sucks because they're higher!!). When did I start doing that? When did my brain just start assuming that I'd be alone when I did stuff like this?
I used to daydream about romantic getaways and dream vacations with a yet unknown Mr. X but that seems to had faded away. I'm not quite sure what to think about that.
Kind of like the other day at lunch. The ladies I dine with were talking about what the weekend plans had held and one of them said that she spent some time alone and how great it was to have some "me" time and awesome it is to just get the opportunity to spend a few hours by yourself from time to time. All I could think was that's how I spend 90% of my time and I can't really see why you're so excited about it. And again, I realized that when I sit down and start to plan my weekends out, I plan stuff to do on my own. I just seem to assume that I'm flying solo and I plan from there. Not sure when that started either. I haven't been consciously aware of the fact that I'm doing it.
I really don't know how I should feel about these realizations.
I don't know if I should be incredibly sad that my own subconscious seems to have given up hope or if I should feel empowered that I'm strong enough, brave enough and independent enough not to be terrified of the thought of venturing out into the world on my own.
Am I reacting to some subtle message from the Universe that said that I'm not meant to find a mate. That I'm supposed to go it alone and my mind is protecting me from future hurt by getting me used to spending so much time alone now? Or have I just simply decided that I don't need someone else to define me. To make me happy. I'm enough on my own. I'm all I need and thus can continue on a solo path and still find a blissful happiness?
Tonight isn't a "glass is half empty" night. It's not a "glass is half full" night either. Tonight's the kind of night where all I know is that there's a glass and a whole mess of questions. Questions who's answers are all written in the stars.
Good Night.
Sarah.
