Day 3 - Still Surreal

Day three is almost in the books now.

I had a conference call with my boss and our team. She's in self-isolation since she spent her holidays in the US. It was good to hear their voices. Made me feel connected again.

Before that, I took a walk at lunch. I venture down the 4-5 blocks to a Shopper's Drug Mart. I'd done a pretty decent job on stocking up (reasonably) on essential before the perverbial shit hit the fan but I managed to forget about dish soap. Shopper's had it on sale, so away I went.

I didn't pass anyone else walking. There were two people at a bus stop and another two people in the parking lot. McDonald's was hopping though but then again, it was lunch time. Inside the Shopper's, I only saw three, maybe four other people shopping. I stood well back from the man at the cash ahead of me and paid with debit before heading back home with my dish soap (sadly, they were sold out of my usual brand but I'll make do).

I didn't have any dance breaks today but I did haul my butt into a shower this morning. I didn't really want to but I kept telling myself that I'd feel better afterwards and I did. This is day two without make up for me. I'm getting used to it. Kind of like it. I did have the decency to put on a bra before I headed out at noonhour. I haven't gone completey savage yet.

Clearly having fun with photo filers. Going to try a new one each day!

My co-worker and I had a conversation about our parents today and how both sets don't seem to be taking this whole situation as seriously as they should. They don't seem to be grasping the social distancing thing nor the only go out if you absolutely have to thing. And the news says it's the youngins that aren't listening. Apparenlty the retirees aren't either. I think it might be that we live in a government town, with a large number of federal, provincial and municiple government employees. We also still have a large collection of tech companies, all of whom have decreed that all non-essential staff who can work from home should work from home. Add in the school closures and we've got a ghost town on our hands. My parents live in a city with a lot of manufacturing and factories which are still operating so a lot of people there don't have the option to work from home. Maybe their streets aren't as empty. Maybe their streets aren't as eerie. Maybe they have more peace of mind as there haven't been any confirmed cases of the virus in their town yet. And neither of them understand what it's like to be living completely on your own. If I get sick, there's no one to look after me. So yes, I'm taking this seriously.

Then this evening, I called my parents to check in and remind them about social distancing, which my dad apparently took to heart. A few minutes into the call, my brother tried calling them. Rather than wait until our call wrapped up, my father went into the other room and used his cell to call my brother. I could hear him talking to my brother while I was still chatting with my mom. What the actual fuck? My call to them was less than 20 minutes long. He couldn't wait that long? Nope. A rather hurtful end to the day for me.

Just watched a guilty pleasure (The Masked Singer!!) and read (Dragonfly in Amber - book 2 of the Outlander series) for the rest of the evening.

And that's pretty much it. I'm hoping to sleep better tonight and hoping my body will soon adjust to my new, later wake up time. So far I've been able to resisit the urge to nap before dinner. I hope I can keep it up.

"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along." - Eleanor Roosevelt

Gyms and Whitesnake

Last winter, during my blog hiatus, I had a minor crisis occur in my little world. My gym, quite abruptly, closed.

Ok, I know this sounds like no big deal and in the greater scheme of things, it isn't, but to my little world at the time, it was a huge deal.

I'd been going to the gym for over a year at that point. Which was a pretty big deal for me. I'd finally found a place and a routine that worked for me. Somewhere I was comfortable. But one day in February, I showed up for my after work workout to find a note on the ground floor saying that effective immediately, the place was closed. The poor staff were blind sided too. I was stunned. And very upset. I even cried a little. You see, this wasn't just some gym. It was a life line. Even now, sitting here writing this, it's upsetting me again and I have tears in my eyes.

The exercise was helping to keep my mood in check during the winter, helping me to keep my inner demons in check and securely locked away. I made friends there. I'd see the same people during my work outs and became invested in their lives and their progress. The coaches were our cheerleaders. We laughed together. It wasn't just some gym where you went in, put your head down, did your workout and left. People noticed when I wasn't there. People were genuinely invested in how I was doing and how I was progressing. And just like that, it was all gone. Poof. I actually felt like someone had died. I grieved the loss. And truthfully, I was terrified. I was at a complete loss as to what I was going to do. I couldn't switch to another location because there wasn't one close enough to my home or work to make it viable. I seriously didn't know what I was going to do. Didn't know how I was going to cope.

About a month later, my friend MA convinced me to try an aquafit class at her gym. I've taken one before and I like swimming so I gave it a try. I liked it. So I signed up. For roughly 9 months, I've been going to aquafit. At first it was 3 times a week and then it dropped to twice a week. We did try adding in a floor class to fill up that 3rd day but couldn't find one we liked or were comfortable with. By the end of November, I think I was making it to 1 class a week and as of today, I haven't been to a class since mid-December. I've lost all desire to get in that pool. Part of that is the fact that I don't like standing in -20C weather, with semi wet hair, waiting for a bus after the class. It's a welcome change in the summer but in the winter, it sucks.

Between December 2014 and now, I've managed to gain roughly 25lbs. I've never been bigger in my life than I am right now. This isn't good. It's bad. Very, very bad. I've stopped going places, I've stopped seeing people because I'm embarrassed. Hell, even my 3 year old niece called me out at Christmas (totally adorable "out of the mouths of babes" moment, which I actually laughed at). I'm not comfortable in my own skin at the moment, and that hurts.

Don't get me wrong, I still have self respect and dignity and will put anyone in their place should they dare say anything negative me about my weight but at the same time, I've very aware and conscious of the fact that I'm slowly killing myself.

Today I took a tiny step to try to fix things. Well, actually I took the step last Friday, they just didn't have any spots open until today. All those friggin' New Year's Resolution people taking up the prime spots. Bastards. LOL. Anyhow, I signed up for an orientation session at my new gym. Hell, I've been there for almost a year now so I guess it's high time that I figure out how to use something more than the pool eh?

A personal trainer takes us around the gym and shows us what to use and how to use it. It was an hour long session with 3 of us and the trainer. He gave us a basic and rather simple follow plan. It's doable. 5 minutes of warm up on a cardio machine followed by 4 machines and then 2 strength exercises done on the floor, with 10-20 minutes of cardio to end it off. The trainer recommended that we do the cardio part 5-6 days a week and add the weights in for 3 of the days. I managed not to laugh in his face.  I only had a hard time on one of the machines. I have to give the trainer props here. He looked at me and said that he had an alternate for me as he didn't think this particular machine wouldn't be effective for me. He wrote the other suggestion on my sheet, wrote down the name of a website where I can find a tutorial on how to do it and gave me his card so that I can email him and let him know when I'd be in the gym so he could come and see me and show me how to do it as well. Well then.

I was anxious before the session and I felt a sense of trepidation walking into the gym but I made it through the session and then stayed to do some walking on the treadmill. I then ended up doing a whole boat load more walking while I ran errands and got groceries and I've been hobbling around my apartment all afternoon/evening but that's a whole other story. My previous gym was a women's only thing. And there weren't any mirrors in the gym. This one is co-ed and there are mirrors all over the damn place. This is one of the times/places that I want to be invisible. I'm ok with a trainer watching me but I don't like others being able to do so and I sure as shit don't want to be able to see myself when I'm working out either.

But I guess I'm just going to have to get over that eh? Now I have an entire day ahead of me to psych myself up to attempt this on my own Monday after work. Cue Whitesnake.... :) (bonus points to anyone who gets that reference).

Sigh. This should be interesting........God help me!!

Good Night!

Sarah

"Venus in Front of the Mirror" - Peter Paul Rubens

Happy New Year: Resolutions for 2013

So I didn't blog last night, mainly because it was New Year's Eve and by the time we'd finished watching the movies, I was way too tired to blog. I thought about blogging this morning but couldn't really get motivated. That and I had too much of an audience. And trust me, my mom has been pouting all day because she didn't have anything to read. I'm pretty sure my brother was too hungover to notice the lack of blog so I'm good on that front.

Looking back, 2012 was a pretty good year. It got off to a kind of sucky start in the fact that I ended up spending New Year's Eve home alone (plans got cancelled on me). But it actually wasn't that bad. I still had fun. 2012 ended in a kind of sucky fashion too seeing as I had a stomach virus at Christmas and just as I started to feel better, I came down with a sinus cold. I'm blaming the cigarette smoke at my parents' place for that. But everything in between was pretty good. I managed to find my way more often than I have in years. I was home for my mom's 65th bday, my niece's Christening and summer holidays. Getting to see family more often was a definite plus. I got a 1 year contract in 2012 (which I'm really hoping to at least repeat that this year) and am doing a job that I actually enjoy doing. I went to Montreal for a weekend all by myself and in doing so proved to myself that sitting around and just hoping for something to happen never works and that I'm a lot braver than I give myself credit for.

I also started blogging in 2012. It's been almost 6 months since I started. Some days I can't believe that I've been able to keep it up this long. Other days I wonder how I ever got by without blogging.

2013 got off to a slightly interesting start with involved watching my parents snake out the sewer clean-out this morning. My mother owns an 18 foot long, professional, sewer snake, designed to go into a sewer clean out and remove any blockages. Seriously? Who else's mom has that (who isn't married to a plumber!)?? Apparently our toilet didn't like the toilet paper currently being used. It wasn't breaking down fast enough I guess. Fun times. I assisted by bringing more newspaper and paper towels. That's a fantastic way to start off the new year. After that was all cleaned up and I got to have my shower, we hit the road and once again visited my favourite 100 year old, Mr. B. I helped him by throwing out some dead plants that were in his house. I'm pretty sure they died of heat stroke. When I picked the one up, he actually asked me to water it. I told him I was pretty sure it was beyond hope. So now he gets to buy new ones. LOL.

This evening, my parents and I went to dinner with my great Aunt and Uncle and my Grandparents. It was really nice. The restaurant wasn't very crowded so we could talk and actually be heard at the other end of the table. After dinner I said my good byes since I'm heading back to Ottawa on Thursday. The tail end of my visits are always a little sad since I have to say goodbye to everyone and 90% of the time, I don't know when I'll see them again.

Since 2013 is here, it's time for some resolutions. I stopped making them several years ago because I never kept them so why bother? But I started making them again a couple of years ago. I just started to get smarter about them and make them less specific. So here are my resolutions for 2013:

1. Be Happy. Seems simple enough right? Not quite. I do have depression issues, which are mostly seasonal in nature but even when I'm happy, I don't let myself actually "be" happy. I start to worry that something bad is going to come along and change everything. Or that my depression will come back at full force. I have to stop that. When I'm happy, I need to embrace it and enjoy it. Not ruin it with "what ifs".

2. Stress less, Worry less, Laugh more. I'm a worrier. I worry, a lot and often. I worry about big things and little things. This leads to stress. I'm almost 600kms away from my office right now, yet I'm already stressing about what's waiting for me when I get back and what work has to be done and in such a short time frame too. ENOUGH! I've had to tell myself several times over the last few days to knock it off and stop worrying about work. I'm only one person. No one else really seems to notice is some of the smaller things don't get done. So long as my boss is happy with my work and I'm happy with my work, then we're good. I have to stop letting it bug me. I need to find more things that I love doing, that make me laugh and smile and focus on those. Leave the worries behind and re-focus my energy.

3. Have faith. This one isn't as religious as you'd think. It's more along the lines of me needing to have faith in myself, in others as well as in God and the Universe. I need to have faith in myself that I will be able to figure everything own in my own sweet time. I need to have faith in others and believe that they won't let me down, won't abandon me if I ask for help or reveal that I don't have it as much together as I lead most people to believe. And I need to have more faith in the fact that God/the Universe isn't going to drop me on my ass. I might be tested, but they won't let me fail. I'm a good person and deserve to be happy.

4. Stop being afraid. Fear is stupid reason for not doing something. And I have to stop letting it be my excuse for not doing things that I want to do. Like Montreal. I got over my fear and had an awesome time. I need to do more of that.

5. Stop being complacent. If I want things to change, I can't just wish the change to happen. I need to get off my ass and make it happen. I have to be the change that I want to be. I have a crappy little apartment. I complain about it all the time. Fine. I need to either move or make changes to make the sucker less crappy. I need to stop accepting mediocre. I don't have a fairy godmother so I need to take whatever steps are necessary to take my dreams and make them real. My 2013 horoscope said " If you can dream it, you can have it. Don't settle for less". Sounds like damn good advice to me.

So that's the list. 5 resolutions for 2013. This year will be a happy and healthy one. And I hope it's full of good luck, good laughter and great people too. And lots and lots of love.

Happy New Year Everyone!

Sarah

Blustery Day

It's rather windy here at the moment. Not crazy windy, but enough that I can hear the leaves rustling outside my bedroom window. The news says that this is the result of hurricane Sandy. I say that it's the winds of change. They're blowing.

They've been blowing for a long time. They've been blowing for me. I've heard it. I've felt it. I've known that it's coming for me. And the time has come for me to stop walking away from it. To stop hiding from. To stop being hunkered down in the dark, being afraid of the winds of change, simply because it's easier to stay the course of the status quo.

But the things in life that are the most worth doing, are never the easy things.

“Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear - not absence of fear.”  Mark Twain seemed to get it.

I love myself. I'm proud of the things I've accomplished and the woman I've become. Which is why it's time to change. I owe it to myself to do everything I can to be the happiest, most healthy self I can be.

It's time to turn and face the winds of change. To embrace the them. Feel the wind tickle my hair and whip golden leaves around me. Try to push me. Sting my face. Make thunder in my ears. Blow me into the life I'm meant to be living.

I'm ready. I'm ready to start living my life. I'm ready to face my fears. I'm ready to take the first small steps to being the person I want to be. To live the life I know I was destined for. And to make all my dreams come true. One blustery day at a time.

Good Night.

Sarah



(Not today's wind storm but a wind storm none the less!)

To Breed Or Not To Breed.

It's been a long and busy day today. I was back on Aunt duty this afternoon. My 5 month old niece and 4 year old nephew came over to visit this afternoon. My niece promptly started to cry and my nephew drove his toy car around the living room. I just stood in the middle of the room, shell shocked.

For those who know me well, they know this: I don't like kids. Ok, that's not quite true. It's more like, I don't handle being around children very well. In fact, they fucking scare the crap out of me. Maybe it was all the years of babysitting when I was younger, maybe it's the fact that I've been single forever or maybe it's that I'm too independent and career focused, but whatever the cause, I have no desire to be a mother. Gasp in shock all you will, but I said it and I mean it.

When I reveal this to people, I usually get the response of "But you'd be such a good mom" or "You'll change your mind when you meet the right man.". What the fuck? I'm pretty sure I'd be a good millionaire too but I don't see anyone stepping up to give me a million dollars to test out that theory. And the changing my mind when I meet the right man thing also terrifies me. The thought that my entire life would go ass over tea kettle just because I have a man in it really is a scary idea to me.

As a little girl, I played with dolls and pretended they were a baby. I took a babysitting course when I was 12 and baby-sat on and off through high school. I mothered all the neighbourhood kids since I was the only girl on the block. In highschool, I seemed to be the one everyone turned to for advice and this continued into University. In college, I often felt like a den mother. Maybe I got all the mothering out of my system early and that's why I feel the way I feel? I do recall my biological clock waking up and starting to tick while I was still living in Calgary. Perhaps in an attempt to snooze it, I actually managed to kill it completely? Who knows!

Perhaps the long and the short of it is that I feel that I'm just too fucked up to even contemplate raising a child. I swear there are some weeks where I can barely look after myself let alone another human being. I understand that being a parent is a gift and the most wonderful job in the world. I simply can't see it for myself and I'm happy with that.

What annoys me the most is that a lot of people seem to think that there's something wrong with me when I tell them that I don't want children. Like everything else in life, it's a choice. And I've made my choice.

I have to admit that I'm getting much better with kids now that I have some in my life. I took my nephew to the park. We played on the slides, the swings and the "car" that was in the play ground. My dad walked down and joined us and we had a great time. On the way home, we stopped at the store and I bought him a Popsicle and a sucker and we walked home and managed to get the Popsicles all over the both of us. I'm not sure which one of us was stickier. When my niece woke up from her nap, I was the one to pick her up and of course, she started to scream again. But with some help from my sister-in-law, we got her calmed down and I got to sit and play with my niece for about a half hour. She really is quite adorable. Even when she's screaming. I guess it is different when they're related to you. I do love them all and I did have fun with them, but I was very happy to be able to give them back at the end of the afternoon.

One of my best friends gave birth back in May to an adorable baby boy. I got to meet him and hold him when he was only a day old. That was insanely scary for me but very cool at the same time. And I was alright with that. While I am going to (and sort of already am) miss the relationship I had with his mom before he came along, I am extremely happy for her and her husband and will support her in any way I can. I have another good friend who really wants a baby too and can't wait until she's in a position to have one. I guess with all of these new children in and around my life, I really should word on getting more used to kids :)

Maybe I'm so mature and independent that I've forgotten what it's like to be a kid or how to be a kid for that matter. I don't know. But I do know that the more time I spend with them, the more I'm relaxing around them and am becoming less afraid.

None of us know what the future holds. While I don't foresee children in mine, I'm not going to say never. Too many strange things happen. But it will sure come as a mighty fucking shock to me if children do end up in my future. Maybe one day I'll look back on this blog and laugh my ass off at it. Or maybe I'll still be agreeing with it 10 years from now.

Either way, I am very happy and blessed to be an Aunt. I like this role and embrace it with an open heart. I just don't ever plan on embracing the role of "Mom" and I'm quite alright with that.

Good Night!

Sarah

Another flower from mom's garden!