Day 3 - Still Surreal

Day three is almost in the books now.

I had a conference call with my boss and our team. She's in self-isolation since she spent her holidays in the US. It was good to hear their voices. Made me feel connected again.

Before that, I took a walk at lunch. I venture down the 4-5 blocks to a Shopper's Drug Mart. I'd done a pretty decent job on stocking up (reasonably) on essential before the perverbial shit hit the fan but I managed to forget about dish soap. Shopper's had it on sale, so away I went.

I didn't pass anyone else walking. There were two people at a bus stop and another two people in the parking lot. McDonald's was hopping though but then again, it was lunch time. Inside the Shopper's, I only saw three, maybe four other people shopping. I stood well back from the man at the cash ahead of me and paid with debit before heading back home with my dish soap (sadly, they were sold out of my usual brand but I'll make do).

I didn't have any dance breaks today but I did haul my butt into a shower this morning. I didn't really want to but I kept telling myself that I'd feel better afterwards and I did. This is day two without make up for me. I'm getting used to it. Kind of like it. I did have the decency to put on a bra before I headed out at noonhour. I haven't gone completey savage yet.

Clearly having fun with photo filers. Going to try a new one each day!

My co-worker and I had a conversation about our parents today and how both sets don't seem to be taking this whole situation as seriously as they should. They don't seem to be grasping the social distancing thing nor the only go out if you absolutely have to thing. And the news says it's the youngins that aren't listening. Apparenlty the retirees aren't either. I think it might be that we live in a government town, with a large number of federal, provincial and municiple government employees. We also still have a large collection of tech companies, all of whom have decreed that all non-essential staff who can work from home should work from home. Add in the school closures and we've got a ghost town on our hands. My parents live in a city with a lot of manufacturing and factories which are still operating so a lot of people there don't have the option to work from home. Maybe their streets aren't as empty. Maybe their streets aren't as eerie. Maybe they have more peace of mind as there haven't been any confirmed cases of the virus in their town yet. And neither of them understand what it's like to be living completely on your own. If I get sick, there's no one to look after me. So yes, I'm taking this seriously.

Then this evening, I called my parents to check in and remind them about social distancing, which my dad apparently took to heart. A few minutes into the call, my brother tried calling them. Rather than wait until our call wrapped up, my father went into the other room and used his cell to call my brother. I could hear him talking to my brother while I was still chatting with my mom. What the actual fuck? My call to them was less than 20 minutes long. He couldn't wait that long? Nope. A rather hurtful end to the day for me.

Just watched a guilty pleasure (The Masked Singer!!) and read (Dragonfly in Amber - book 2 of the Outlander series) for the rest of the evening.

And that's pretty much it. I'm hoping to sleep better tonight and hoping my body will soon adjust to my new, later wake up time. So far I've been able to resisit the urge to nap before dinner. I hope I can keep it up.

"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along." - Eleanor Roosevelt

Reflection

I spent a lot of today looking around and thinking about things. Specifically, my life. It was a very reflective day. Some of the stuff that reflected back to me was pretty good and that made me happy. However, the majority of stuff wasn't so good and that made me kind of sad. I didn't sit down and tear myself apart or put myself down. This was just a general evaluation of how things are going in my life. My 35th birthday is only 6 weeks away, so I think that's what spurred on today's thoughts. Time to check in and evaluate things.

I'm doing so much better than I was 5 years ago. When I turned 30, I was miserable. I kept that to myself as much as possible but things were bad. With the exception of still being single, almost everything else has changed and improved. A lot of things in this world get better with age. Apparently I'm one of those.

The problem I have before me at the present is that I've become complacent with my life. Things have gotten better and are going well, so I'm ok with just letting things be. This isn't good. I'm a dreamer. I have a vivid imagination and wild dreams and unfortunately, I seem to be operating under the delusion that I live in a Disney version of the world, where if you wish hard enough, and believe strongly enough *poof*, your magic godmother fairy type person appears and makes all those dreams come true. Yeah, that's not quite how it works.

I've come to the rather sobering realization that if I want any of these wild ass dreams of mine to come true, then I'm going to need to work for them. Really, really work for them. Put plans in place and follow through on them. Strive to be better and not accept mediocrity. I've been doing that my whole life. Like back in high school. I was a good student. Good grades came to me easily, so I never really pushed myself. Same with University. Had I actually pushed myself and really applied myself, I could have got great grades but for some stupid reason, I never felt the need.

But not anymore. This isn't just limited to my personal life either. My work life is going to have to change as well. I need to start looking for the next step. My career needs to grow too. And while complacency can be safe, it's not what I want. Don't get me wrong, I like and most of the time enjoy my job, but it's not my "dream" job and it's not the final destination in my career path either.

I am holding out some hope that the universe will help me along too and I have faith that it won't let me fall on my ass either.

I know what I want and why I want it. I just don't know the Where, as in where this will take me, the Who as in who will I become or the most important and hardest one, the How. That one is going to require some more thought and planning. But I do know that whatever I decide to do or how I decide to approach it all, everything is going to start with one small step, taken with courage, hope and determination. And I'm taking that step right now.

Good Night!

Sarah