Reflection

I spent a lot of today looking around and thinking about things. Specifically, my life. It was a very reflective day. Some of the stuff that reflected back to me was pretty good and that made me happy. However, the majority of stuff wasn't so good and that made me kind of sad. I didn't sit down and tear myself apart or put myself down. This was just a general evaluation of how things are going in my life. My 35th birthday is only 6 weeks away, so I think that's what spurred on today's thoughts. Time to check in and evaluate things.

I'm doing so much better than I was 5 years ago. When I turned 30, I was miserable. I kept that to myself as much as possible but things were bad. With the exception of still being single, almost everything else has changed and improved. A lot of things in this world get better with age. Apparently I'm one of those.

The problem I have before me at the present is that I've become complacent with my life. Things have gotten better and are going well, so I'm ok with just letting things be. This isn't good. I'm a dreamer. I have a vivid imagination and wild dreams and unfortunately, I seem to be operating under the delusion that I live in a Disney version of the world, where if you wish hard enough, and believe strongly enough *poof*, your magic godmother fairy type person appears and makes all those dreams come true. Yeah, that's not quite how it works.

I've come to the rather sobering realization that if I want any of these wild ass dreams of mine to come true, then I'm going to need to work for them. Really, really work for them. Put plans in place and follow through on them. Strive to be better and not accept mediocrity. I've been doing that my whole life. Like back in high school. I was a good student. Good grades came to me easily, so I never really pushed myself. Same with University. Had I actually pushed myself and really applied myself, I could have got great grades but for some stupid reason, I never felt the need.

But not anymore. This isn't just limited to my personal life either. My work life is going to have to change as well. I need to start looking for the next step. My career needs to grow too. And while complacency can be safe, it's not what I want. Don't get me wrong, I like and most of the time enjoy my job, but it's not my "dream" job and it's not the final destination in my career path either.

I am holding out some hope that the universe will help me along too and I have faith that it won't let me fall on my ass either.

I know what I want and why I want it. I just don't know the Where, as in where this will take me, the Who as in who will I become or the most important and hardest one, the How. That one is going to require some more thought and planning. But I do know that whatever I decide to do or how I decide to approach it all, everything is going to start with one small step, taken with courage, hope and determination. And I'm taking that step right now.

Good Night!

Sarah

Weirdness

I didn't blog last night. I tried to but nothing came out. I stared at the blank screen for a good 5 minutes and then opted to pack it in and go to bed. Truth is, I really don't have much to say tonight either. My head is in a strange place. There's lots rolling around in my brain but I can't seem to focus on any one thing. It's like there's lots of back ground noise but I can't pick out a specific song or voice.

I've had several nights of strange dreams and watching the news today was just plain bizarre. The top 3 news stories were about the tragic deaths of hundreds in a night club fire in Brazil, a female's torso being found in a dumpster in Kitchener, ON and apparently she had on a "Forget being a princess, I want to be a Vampire" t-shirt (why that's relevant to the story, I have no idea. I can see it being used to help identify her, but the media seems to be stuck on it) and of course, the election of the new Provincial Liberal Party leader in Ontario - who happens to be a woman. And she's gay (and legally married too! Again, the media seems stuck on something that I don't think is overly relevant). Personally I don't care if the new leader is male, female, black, white, purple, gay, straight, bisexual or an alien from outer space so long as they can do a good job and get the province out of the massive hole we're in. And calm down the pissed off teachers too.

I feel restless yet I don't seem to have much energy or desire to do anything. Even listening to some of my favourite music today was annoying me. Every little sound from my neighbours was getting on my nerves. I'd catch myself just staring out the window, not really looking at anything in particular and then I'd glace at the clock and realize that I'd lost 15-20 minutes. Something is brewing in my subconscious. I just have to wait and see what it is. Perhaps work will help. Often when I focus on something else, my mind relaxes and whatever it is I'm processing in the background has a chance to come forward.

Good Night.

Sarah

Around The World

Day #2 of my training session was pretty good. I only got lost once but was able to figure it out and get back on track. Here's hoping I remember it all :)

We finished early so I had enough time to go back to the office. I kind of wish I didn't. LOL. I now have a rather long "to do" list as a result. Oh well. It will keep me out of trouble and make the day fly by.

The fact that it was once again minus fucking cold here had me thinking about summer and wishing I could go away somewhere. I'd love to go to Europe. I really, really would. But financially, that's not going to happen for some time yet. So I was thinking about travel in Canada. I'd really love to go back to BC. I want to spend some time in Victoria again (since I was there in the winter) and I want to go to Vancouver. On the flip side, I'm really interested in seeing Newfoundland. Only problem with NFLD is that I'd like to tour the province and see some of the smaller villages and such and I don't drive. So I need to find someone to go with me who does drive. In BC, I can take a ferry from Vic to Van so it's not an issue. Money is still the key factor in both places, but they'd be really awesome to visit. I haven't had a "real" vacation since 2007. Going home to visit is nice and all but it's not quite the same as going away somewhere new and getting to explore and experience a new place. Kind of like how I'd love to be in Turks and Caicos right now :)

I'm pretty darn sure that if I ever win it big on the lottery, I'd spend the first year travelling all over the world. Just seeing it and taking it all in. Sometimes we get so wrapped up in our day to day routines, get buried in our work, consumed by out lives that we forget that there's a HUGE world out there and we're just living in one small piece of it. Sometimes thinking about it make me sad because I'm afraid that I'll never find the money or find a way to get out there and see it all. Other times I just sit and daydream about what it's going to be like when I get there. I make a pretend itinerary of all the fabulous things I want to see, taste, smell and experience. All the world history, art, food and beauty. And that makes me smile.

One day.....

Good Night.

Sarah

Viva Las Vegas!!!! That was an awesome trip!