I am me.

One of my favourite movies is on tv tonight. It's "Easy A". A very cute, witty and charming movie loosely based around the book The Scarlet Letter. Without giving too much away, it's about a girl who accidentally gets a reputation (based on a lie) and things just snowball from there. She ends up deciding to become the girl that everyone thinks she is and how that back fires.

Being yourself isn't a new concept. Shakespeare penned the classic "To thy own self be true" roughly 400 years ago:

"This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man."
-Hamlet Act 1, Scene 3

For such a simple concept, so many people don't seem to be able to grasp it. I guess we all have an inherent desire to fit in. For others to like us and there's usually a really dumb reason behind it too. Because we want to be "cool". We want to be "popular". And what does that get us? We end up surrounded by so called "friends" who we're never sure if they really like us or not.

On those odd occasions when I think back to high school and some of the people and their shit that I put up with just because I either wanted them to like me or I simply wanted to keep the peace for the sake of someone else, my adult self wants to shake my teenage self silly.

This is one of the up sides of getting older and an up side to having been single for as long as I have. I've been able to gain a very good sense of self. I know who I am. And for the life of me, I can't think of any reason why I wouldn't always be true to myself.

American poet e e cummings said what has become one of my favourite quotes "It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are". And that's true. Growing up can be scary. And sometimes it's lonely. But it's wonderful and amazing at the same time. Being able to know myself, allows me to better connect with the people in my life. I don't need a certain number of friends, just a number of whom I'm certain. I just wish that most of them lived closer :)

If we act like ourselves and trust are true self and don't worry about trying to be someone else or try to be someone that we think other people want us to be, we'll all be happier. Actors get paid to pretend to be someone else. So why do so many people do it for free? What's the point?

I am me. It's the only person I know how to be. And it's the only person I want to be.

Good Night.

Sarah

Happy Hallowe'en

It's been a very long and busy day. But it was a good one.

When I woke up this morning, I looked outside and there in the darkness of the pre-dawn morning was the moon and a single star. The clouds were drifting over it, giving it a very creepy effect. It was perfect for a Hallowe'en morning. Almost like something straight out of a movie:

Not the clearest image, but you get the idea.

Work was pretty good. There was about 14 of us from the day shift who dressed up and only about 2 of us who stayed in our costume all day. The party went well and almost everyone participated in the games. Pretty much all the food disappeared so I guess that means that they enjoyed it. I ended up taking home some leftover hummus (homemade) so that was a pretty good deal for me.

This evening, I ordered Chinese Food from my favourite place and then watched my favourite Hallowe'en Movie: Hocus Pocus. It's not a scary one by any means, but it's cute and entertaining and has Bette Midler in it so you really can't go wrong.

I got a little inspired to write a poem tonight. Here's a very raw draft of it. I don't like the end of it so I'll have to re-visit it later when I'm not quite so sleepy:

"Treats and tricks, magic and mirth. The one night a year where the dead walk the earth.
Spirits we've lost, loved once now gone. Their ghosts dance in the shadows, their souls sway along.
Frights and thrills, for the young and the old. The full moon rises, what a sight to behold.
Pumpkins and witches, black cats and dead ends. But it's hard to be afraid, when you hold hands with friends.
Scary stories are told by the glow of a candle and may they be only as spooky as you can handle."

I hope everyone's Hallowe'en was a happy one.

Good Night!

Sarah

 

Let Down

Work was ok. The office was too hot (as usual) and I've been tired all day. As a result, my mood isn't the greatest. I even went for a little walk this afternoon and that didn't help improve things much.

I think I'm still playing catch up from the weekend, which is why this is going to be very short. I need to get my ass to bed. Hopefully the wind won't wake me up tonight and I can have a solid night's sleep and feel better. Tomorrow is Halloween after all! I'm dressing up at work. Relax. The costume won't be quite as revealing as the one I wore to the bar on the weekend.

Maybe that's why I'm feeling so blah too. I was so excited and so looking forward to the party for so long and now it's over and done with and I'm back to my normal, boring existence. Who knows.

I baked 2 dozen cupcakes tonight for the office Halloween party tomorrow. Still need to frost them but I think I might do that at work. Nothing super fancy this time. Not sure how well that's going to go over. We have 169 staff. A whopping 5 people volunteered to bring stuff for the party. And only 4 people said that they'd dress up and enter the costume contest - and yes, there are prizes. No one seems to give a fuck about anything really. It's kind of hard working in an environment like that. When we were a smaller office, we all knew each other and looked forward to the next party. We held potlucks almost every month just as an excuse to take a break from work for a bit and hang out. Not anymore. Can't say I'm looking forward to trying to plan our holiday event. In fact, I'm actually thinking of scrapping one of our party games for tomorrow due to the lack luster response from the staff. The funniest part is that my boss, one manager and at least 1 supervisor are the ones who are excited about the party. Usually it's the other way around.

Oh well. Maybe I'll feel better in the morning. I'll do what I can to make it through the day and then I'll come home and watch my favourite Halloween movie and have a nice dinner. We don't get trick-or-treaters in my building. I did well this year...I didn't buy any Hallowe'en candy for myself. Can't eat it if it's not in the house.

Good Night!

Sarah

Funny pic I took at the Calgary Zoo one year after Halloween

Blustery Day

It's rather windy here at the moment. Not crazy windy, but enough that I can hear the leaves rustling outside my bedroom window. The news says that this is the result of hurricane Sandy. I say that it's the winds of change. They're blowing.

They've been blowing for a long time. They've been blowing for me. I've heard it. I've felt it. I've known that it's coming for me. And the time has come for me to stop walking away from it. To stop hiding from. To stop being hunkered down in the dark, being afraid of the winds of change, simply because it's easier to stay the course of the status quo.

But the things in life that are the most worth doing, are never the easy things.

“Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear - not absence of fear.”  Mark Twain seemed to get it.

I love myself. I'm proud of the things I've accomplished and the woman I've become. Which is why it's time to change. I owe it to myself to do everything I can to be the happiest, most healthy self I can be.

It's time to turn and face the winds of change. To embrace the them. Feel the wind tickle my hair and whip golden leaves around me. Try to push me. Sting my face. Make thunder in my ears. Blow me into the life I'm meant to be living.

I'm ready. I'm ready to start living my life. I'm ready to face my fears. I'm ready to take the first small steps to being the person I want to be. To live the life I know I was destined for. And to make all my dreams come true. One blustery day at a time.

Good Night.

Sarah



(Not today's wind storm but a wind storm none the less!)

Halloween Howler

Ok. So you might have noticed that I didn't blog last night. By the time I got home and scraped the make up off my face, it was 3am. I didn't think that blogging at 3am would be a very good idea. While I was sober, I was on the tired side and figured that the typos would detract from the blog. LOL.

Let me start by saying that last night was amazing. It's one of the best night's out I've had in years. Yes, I said years. We're already established that I don't get out much so this should really not be a shock to anyone. The best part was that my anxiety was pretty damn minimal and as a result, I was able to completely relax and enjoy myself.

I took my time getting ready and everything turned out well. My hair co-operated and my make up turned out surprisingly well. I pretty much just winged it. Here's the finished product:

Xtinktor and I got to the venue around 7:30pm. We waited in the car for a bit and then when the line started to get long, we left the warmth of the car and lined up. He was complaining about it being cold because he was wearing a dress. LOL. I told him to suck it up. At least he was wearing a long dress. Mine barely covered my ass! (Thank god for the spanx type short things I was wearing underneath). The rain held off so the wait wasn't too bad. I had to pee the entire time though so that wasn't nice. They let us in just a few minutes after 8 so that was awesome. Once inside, I found my friend Kim and got female confirmation that my costume was fantastic and no, I wasn't showing too much cleavage ( I didn't trust Xtinktor's opinion - LOL ). Here's the full costume:

  



 

After finding the bathroom, I got a Swedish Berry shooter for Kim and I. That went down really well. It was shortly followed by a "Porn Star" (yes, that's a drink) and that was it for the alcohol for me for the night. You see, the more I drink, the more I have to pee. Thanks to everything holding me in my outfit, going to the bathroom is roughly a 10 minute re-adjusting ordeal. I did not want to be doing that every half hour. LOL. The club was pretty cool. It was decorated really well with some pretty spooky stuff. And some of the costumes were awesome. Thanks to some connections, I got the schedule for the evening which allowed a group of us to get some very kick ass spots in front of the stage for the My Darkest Days show. See:

 

(that's not zoomed!)

 



 The concert was amazing. They played 2 sets and both of them were wicked. The band was on fire. Lots of energy, lots of joking around and best of all, lots of crowd interaction. We were standing right in front of the stairs, which the lead singer and lead guitarist both came and stood on a few times. It was so fucking cool. At one point, the lead singer actually took a walk down into the crowd. That was pretty awesome. My Darkest Days last song of the 2nd set was their hit "Porn Star Dancing". They told all the women to get up on the stage for the song. If I hadn't ran up on the stage, I was going to get trampled. LOL. It was very wicked to be on stage with them and about 100 other women. But I managed to get a pretty good spot, directly behind their lead guitarist:

 

 

 





I have to admit, being on the stage was a little scary. I was totally surrounded by people and I couldn't see much since I'm so short. When I'd been on the floor, Xtinktor was standing behind me and keeping people from pushing into me (btw, thank you so very much for that). But I hung in there and had a blast being so close to the band. It was definitely an amazing experience even if it was a tiny bit scary. Once the band managed to squeeze their way off the stage, the rest of us made our way back down to the floor. Xtinktor had rescued his jacket and my purse (thanks again!) and we made our way back to where my other friends where. For the first time all night, we managed to find a seat and rest for bit. I then wandered over to the merch table and bought a t-shirt. While watching the show, I ended up with a My Darkest Days condom, a guitar pick from their lead singer and one from their lead guitarist.
But the coolest part of the night came next. The band came out to mingle and meet the fans! I did meet all 5 of them and got my photo taken with each one too. Each and every one of them was so nice and polite. A couple of them seemed really appreciative to the fact that we'd come out to the show and thanked us for supporting the band. I thought that was really cool.  I also got to personally say "Thank You" to their lead guitarist Sal. He posts a lot on FB and usually posts very inspirational and motivating things. There have been several times when I've been having a bad day and he posts something and it makes me smile and feel better. So I got to thank him for that. He seemed flattered and gave me a big hug. That made my night. LOL. Here's the photo of Sal and I:

 





As you can see, I was pretty damn happy! I was thrilled to meet all of them in fact:

Brendan - bass player

 

Doug - drummer

 

Matt - lead singer

 

Reid - keyboard player/guitar

 



As I said before, they were all super nice (especially Brendan, Sal and Reid) and it was a lot of fun talking to them. I think Xtinktor had fun too, especially since two of them really thought he was a girl. LOL. After the show we headed to Denny's for a little bit to eat and for me, some warm tea. My throat was a little raw from screaming all night. I wonder why... :D

I've been on the sleepy side today and my hearing isn't 100% back to normal yet, but it was all well worth it. It was a night with some good friends, a kick ass band and a very confident and worry free me. And it felt amazing. It just served to remind me that I am changing and growing as a person and while that's scary sometimes, it's also wonderful. When I stop being afraid and get out and embrace life and world around me, I get to experience some truly amazing and awesome things. I won't forget this night any time soon and it will serve as inspiration for my continuing self improvement journey.

Here's one last fun thing from last night before I log off. It's a video I shot of the band rocking out and doing some shots. Enjoy!





Good Night!

Sarah

Excitement's evil twin: Anxiety

Another long day at work, doing some overtime. It was uber hot in our office today. Largely due to the fact that it got up to 26 with the humidex today. Kind of crazy but it was definitely welcome. Especially since we're in for rain all week.

I'm trying to contain my excitement and keep some anxiety at bay. My Halloween party and rock show is tomorrow night. The excitement is expected. But the anxiety? Not so much. But that happens to me a lot.

Whenever I do something new, something that's unknown or out of the norm for me, my old friend anxiety shows up. It's been with me since I was in high school. It's been unbearable and it's been manageable. Back n 2005, before I moved to Calgary, I had to go on anti-anxiety medication because my anxiety was so bad that it was keeping me up at night. Not good. Thankfully it's never been that bad since.

Anxiety is different than a panic attack. Panic attacks are usually sudden and intense. Anxiety is slow and builds. It starts as a knot in my stomach and just goes from there. I get sick feeling, cold, sometimes get the shakes, then the other issues pop up. I have to pee every 15 minutes and if it's really bad, diarrhea. And if it's horrible...I throw up. Thankfully, the last one hasn't happened in years and I'm getting much better at controlling my anxiety.

Here's the really dumb part. I can do the same thing 10 times and have anxiety attacks on the 1st, 6th, 8th and 10th times. That happens to me when I travel. I've taken the train home about 100 times and yet every time I do, I still get some anxiety when I travel. Usually it's mixed with excitement and now a days, it's controllable but it still sucks. Just having that feeling with you blows. You look forward to something and get so excited about it and then the day of you just feel sick and bloated and uneasy. Kind of dampens the mood. Thankfully, once I get settled into the event, or on the train or meet the person, I calm right down and the anxiety goes away. It's just the lead up that makes me sick. And so much of it is irrational and I know it is but that doesn't stop it. I really hate it.

So I'm hoping that tomorrow, anxiety decides to bugger off and let me have fun. I don't want to stress over my costume or what the venue is going to be like or anything else like that. I just want to enjoy the fact that I get to go out. Get to spend the night with some fun people and get to see an awesome band. I just want to focus on enjoying myself and how much fun dressing up can be!

The first step in that process is going to be getting a good night's sleep. I get to sleep in tomorrow so I'm happy about that too. And I really am excited about going out tomorrow. I'm really looking forward to getting out of my comfort zone and cutting loose for a night. And having some fun too ;)

Good Night!

Sarah

My Darkest Days - the band I'll be seeing tomorrow night

100th Blog!!

I started this on July 30th. Tonight's blog is number 100. I have been blogging every night for nearly 3 months now. And I'm just shy of 3000 page views. To me, that's simply amazing.

The whole reason I started this was to be happy. I love to write. It's that simple. So my logic was  that if I like to write, then why am I not writing? So I started and this is where I am now. It's given me a chance to get some of the thoughts out of my head, which has allowed me to relax more.

Some things I write about are serious, some light hearted. Some make me laugh and some make me cry. Just like life, which makes perfect sense since that's what I've been writing about: my life.

I guess it's true what they say. Write about what you know. And I know me, so that works. And I really can't believe how many people have read this along the way. And I'm so incredibly humbled by the support I've gotten for my little blog too.

Most of all, I'm proud of myself for doing this. And keeping it up. And for being so open about my life. I'm normally not one to share things that are bothering me. I think the best surprise the blog has brought me is just how cathartic writing has been. I kind of wish I had started it sooner.

So here I sit, on a nondescript Thursday night, writing my 100th blog. 100th. Wow.

Thanks for reading the first 100 and I hope you're as excited about reading the next 100 as I am about writing them.
WOO!!!!!!!!!

Good Night,

Sarah