Have you ever been stuck in the middle of a situation, where you're the neutral party and have nothing to do with the conflict, but are being dragged into by both warring sides and are now collateral damage?
Welcome to my world. And it's only getting worse.
Several months ago (and I mean more than 6 months ago), something happened which caused a stunningly huge rift to form between my mother and my brother. Best part? Both of them are in the wrong. My mother technically caused it but my brother could have prevented it so I'm calling it even there. They haven't spoken since, except for when I was home.
And they both keep bitching to me about the other one, both blame the other one and both are playing the victim like they're up for a fucking Oscar.
I called my brother back in the summer while my parents were away. I spent 7 minutes on the phone with him (yes, I checked the timer). Not once did he ask me how I was doing, or what I was doing or how my summer was going or when was I coming to visit or how was work....nope. Just bitched about my parents and answered some questions I asked about my niece.
I'll be talking to my mom or emailing with my mom and she'll slide in a "have your heard from your brother lately" and no matter what my answer is, a rant then follows. I can't win.
And of course, my sister-in-law is adding drama to the situation, saying that if this isn't sorted out by Christmas, she and the kids won't come over to my parents' house for our Christmas because it's too much of a tense and volatile situation. To hear her talk, she's making my mother out to be a monster. Yes, my mom has a temper but it's not like she's deliberately mean and when all is said and done, that's still my mom you're putting down and I don't need to hear that!!!!
That's the root of this issue. My brother basically replaced my Mom,Dad and I with an instant family of his own. Right from the get go, it was all about her and her family and my parents got pushed to the back burner. And then my brother has the audacity to complain that my parents never make an effort to see him and the kids. That's rich. He's never come to visit me. He never calls me to say hello. Hell, if it wasn't for the fact that my niece exists, I'd never speak to him. If I was ever kidnapped, he'd never to be able to tell the cops anything about me, my job or my life here. And while that bothers me, I don't think it bothers him at all.
I found out this week that he'd hurt himself and actually popped a rib. I asked him why he didn't tell me and he just said he was busy. When I mentioned it to my sister in law, she said "I never though to tell you.".
Yup. That perfectly summarizes my relationship with them. I've come to terms with that and I make an effort because of my niece. My step nephew is pretty cool too but I never get to see him/talk to him. And my step-niece is a teenager so she's not interested in any of us dumb adults and I get that.
Anyhow, getting back to the situation at hand. My mother and my brother are cut from the same cloth. They both have the same temper and they're both giant, stubborn assess.
My mother refuses to apologize because she feels that she doesn't get any respect from my brother and his family and my brother refuses to make contact first because my mom won't apologize and he just keeps saying "it's a 2-way street".
My Dad is collateral damage too. He can't say anything to my mother because she'll yell at him and bite his head off (I have the same problem) and my brother hasn't spoken to him - no fucking idea why. But he's not helping the situation either. He won't reach out to my brother either.
So, here we are. 5 weeks before Christmas and my Christmas is pretty much more or less ruined already. The anxiety knot in my stomach grows bigger every day. I'm not excited about Christmas at all.
I see my friends on Facebook posting photos of them decorating their homes with their families and talking about how excited they are for Christmas and all the fun they're going to have with their families and it just makes me more and more sad. I went to the Santa Claus parade on Saturday and nearly broke out in tears at 3 different times. I kept looking at all the kids around me, so excited about Christmas and Santa and it broke my heart.
I don't live near my family. I'm 6 hour away from them.
I'm never going to get to take my niece to see Santa. I don't get to go Christmas shopping and have lunch with my mom or help my parents decorate the house anymore. All I have left is when my brother and his family comes over to celebrate Christmas with my parents and I. I get to bake cookies with my niece and for a little while, I feel normal and not so alone in the world.
But it doesn't look like that's going to happen this year.
When I lived out west, I spent a Christmas alone. Had some friends over for dinner and had a nice time. I'm starting to think that staying here, all on my own, would be better than going home. Maybe that will make the knot in my stomach leave. At least I know it would be drama free and I wouldn't have to deal with anyone bitching or getting angry or being hurt and moody. I wouldn't have to deal with any tension.
Maybe I should just say screw them all and take off to a beach resort for a week and spending Christmas sitting on a beach, in the sun, reading a good book.
Either here alone or on the beach, I wouldn't have to continue to be hurt by two people who are supposed to love me.
I hate being stuck in the middle of a situation that I can't do one good god damned thing about. It's killing me. I'm anxious, stressed out and will soon be drinking pepto straight from the bottle.
I also feel guilty. Maybe if I didn't live so far away, things wouldn't have gotten this bad. Maybe if I'd been there, nothing would have happened.
I wonder if Switzerland ever felt guilty?
I am honestly, completely, and am totally at a loss as to what to do.
Bah Fucking Humbug.
