As I mentioned in my first blog, I listen to music while I walk. Basically I just created a huge playlist of "Rock" music on my iPod. When I hit the path, I hit "shuffle" and away we go. Some nights the music is totally random and it just keeps me energized. Other nights the songs seem to be speaking directly to whatever is on my mind. I said I'd post the music, so that's what I'll put in here.
Tuesday July 31st 2012:
Lit Up - Buckcherry
Porn Star Dancing - My Darkest Days (MDD)
Still Swingin' - Papa Roach (another amazing track that I'm adoring)
Saturday Night is Alright for Fighting - Chad Kroeger and Kid Rock
Shaking Hands - Nickelback
Move Your Body - MDD
Raining - Art Of Dying (AoD)
Get Through This - AoD (very motivating song)
Break - 3 Days Grace
Say You'll Haunt Me - Stone Sour
Monday July 30th 2012:
Leader of Men - Nickelback (NB)
Animals - NB
The Good Life - 3 Days Grace (3DG)
Surrender - Billy Talent
Audience of One - Rise Against
Last Resort - Papa Roach (PR)
Scars - PR
Devour - Shinedown
Rockey Mountain Way (cover) - Godsmack
Break - 3DG
Save Yourself - My Darkest Days
Lullaby - NB (ps - adore this song. It's one of my favourite ones of the moment)
Tuesday 31 July 2012
That's so Canadian
Look at that. We finally got some rain. Not nearly as much as we need but just enough to steam everything up. Atleast something in my life is steamy. Thankfully, the rain stopped so I didn't have to figure out if I was motivated enough to walk in the rain. I actually saw steam rising off the path. It was rather cool to see. While out on my walk this evening, I saw three rabbits and a beaver. Why yes, I did say beaver. This actually makes the second one I've seen this summer. And I wasn't even trying to call it out (long story). Seriously? How Canadian is that? The creek by my place was running fuller and faster thanks to the rain and I looked over and saw something swimming through the current, across the creek. It was a beaver with a branch in its mouth. If I head out tomorrow and the path is flooded, I'll know why.
I really needed my walk tonight. I had to clear my head and shake off the day. Work was insane today, to the point where I was getting frazzled. I don't like to be frazzled. I start making stupid mistakes and get upset and cranky when I'm frazzled. But a frazzled day there is still better than some good days I've had at previous jobs.
For the first time in a long time, I genuinely enjoy my job. I think a lot of it has to do with the people I work for and with. For the most part, they're an awesome bunch. I definitely laugh more at my current job than I think I've ever laughed at any other place I've worked. Sometime I'm laughing with my co-workers and sometimes it's at them. More often than not, it's with. While my job title seems simple enough: Administrative Assistant, it's actually more like "The keeper of the chaos". Apparently, someone, somewhere, decided to make me responsible for controlling the chaos that is our office. Well hot damn. The jokes on them. I'm usually the one creating the chaos. I'm actually quite good at it. Create the chaos and walk away. LOL.
But today was one of those days where I wish I had a door on my cubicle so that I could shut it and shut out the world for a little bit. Just put on some music and focus on organizing the chaos. Both on my desk and in the office as a hole. But I don't have a door and I don't have that luxury and I had 4 interviewees in today.... two of which I momentarily forgot about. But so did the hiring manager, so it worked out well. See? Frazzled. And as I learnt last week, I'm not allowed to have a bad day at work.
Apparently, when I have a bad day at work, I freak out my co-workers. Last Monday wasn't a good day. I was tired and my buddy depression was hanging out thanks to his good friend, PMS. I am very much aware of it when I'm not my usual, chipper self. And while I don't really like being sad and depressed, I've got to a place in my life where I can accept the fact that those days happen. I understand why they happen and I've even given myself permission to feel that way...so long as I'm not there longer than 2 days max. Anyhow, last Monday was rough. One of my female co-workers was rather taken back by my sullen mood and kept questioning me as to whether or not I was alright. I managed to scare one of my male co-workers who thought that I might actually kill him given the looks I kept shooting him (in my defence, he's can be quite the jackass). When I was feeling better than next day, co-worker A actually showed visible relief on her face. She seemed to think that I was dying or someone stole my puppy or something the day before. I was like "Nope, just had a bad day." Crap. As much fun as freaking out one's co-workers is, I don't recommend it. It makes them uneasy and an create a bit of an uncomfortable work environment.
As a result, I've gotten very good at faking it. Yes, yes, joke away.But I mean it. Days like last Monday and today...by the time I get to the bus, I'm so emotionally exhausted from pretending that I've got my shit together and that I'm happy and everything is cool, that I just want to curl up in a corner and cry. Thankfully the uber dark sky and impending storm distracted me this afternoon and helped to perk me up a bit.
So, it makes me wonder - if I'm faking it to get through my day at work for the sake of my co-workers...how many of my co-workers are doing the same? How many of them put on an act for the rest of us? How many other feel the need to protect their true selves like I do? And why do they do it? Are they trying to make things easier for those around them like I am? Are they trying to keep other people out because they're afraid of what would happen if they made some new friends and let people in? Maybe they're just zombies in disguise, waiting for us to be lulled into a false sense of security before they eat our brains?
Who knows?
And with that, it's time for bed. Good night world and to any co-workers who may stumble upon this: I'll try to be in a better mood tomorrow, for real.
Sarah
I really needed my walk tonight. I had to clear my head and shake off the day. Work was insane today, to the point where I was getting frazzled. I don't like to be frazzled. I start making stupid mistakes and get upset and cranky when I'm frazzled. But a frazzled day there is still better than some good days I've had at previous jobs.
For the first time in a long time, I genuinely enjoy my job. I think a lot of it has to do with the people I work for and with. For the most part, they're an awesome bunch. I definitely laugh more at my current job than I think I've ever laughed at any other place I've worked. Sometime I'm laughing with my co-workers and sometimes it's at them. More often than not, it's with. While my job title seems simple enough: Administrative Assistant, it's actually more like "The keeper of the chaos". Apparently, someone, somewhere, decided to make me responsible for controlling the chaos that is our office. Well hot damn. The jokes on them. I'm usually the one creating the chaos. I'm actually quite good at it. Create the chaos and walk away. LOL.
But today was one of those days where I wish I had a door on my cubicle so that I could shut it and shut out the world for a little bit. Just put on some music and focus on organizing the chaos. Both on my desk and in the office as a hole. But I don't have a door and I don't have that luxury and I had 4 interviewees in today.... two of which I momentarily forgot about. But so did the hiring manager, so it worked out well. See? Frazzled. And as I learnt last week, I'm not allowed to have a bad day at work.
Apparently, when I have a bad day at work, I freak out my co-workers. Last Monday wasn't a good day. I was tired and my buddy depression was hanging out thanks to his good friend, PMS. I am very much aware of it when I'm not my usual, chipper self. And while I don't really like being sad and depressed, I've got to a place in my life where I can accept the fact that those days happen. I understand why they happen and I've even given myself permission to feel that way...so long as I'm not there longer than 2 days max. Anyhow, last Monday was rough. One of my female co-workers was rather taken back by my sullen mood and kept questioning me as to whether or not I was alright. I managed to scare one of my male co-workers who thought that I might actually kill him given the looks I kept shooting him (in my defence, he's can be quite the jackass). When I was feeling better than next day, co-worker A actually showed visible relief on her face. She seemed to think that I was dying or someone stole my puppy or something the day before. I was like "Nope, just had a bad day." Crap. As much fun as freaking out one's co-workers is, I don't recommend it. It makes them uneasy and an create a bit of an uncomfortable work environment.
As a result, I've gotten very good at faking it. Yes, yes, joke away.But I mean it. Days like last Monday and today...by the time I get to the bus, I'm so emotionally exhausted from pretending that I've got my shit together and that I'm happy and everything is cool, that I just want to curl up in a corner and cry. Thankfully the uber dark sky and impending storm distracted me this afternoon and helped to perk me up a bit.
So, it makes me wonder - if I'm faking it to get through my day at work for the sake of my co-workers...how many of my co-workers are doing the same? How many of them put on an act for the rest of us? How many other feel the need to protect their true selves like I do? And why do they do it? Are they trying to make things easier for those around them like I am? Are they trying to keep other people out because they're afraid of what would happen if they made some new friends and let people in? Maybe they're just zombies in disguise, waiting for us to be lulled into a false sense of security before they eat our brains?
Who knows?
And with that, it's time for bed. Good night world and to any co-workers who may stumble upon this: I'll try to be in a better mood tomorrow, for real.
Sarah
Monday 30 July 2012
Welcome to My World
So the universe (and some friends) sent me a cosmic message recently. It read "Start writing again or we'll kick your ass". Not so subtle eh? So here I am, writing. I can't promise that I have anything overly intelligent, stimulating or deep to say, but every now and then I surprise people. Hell, I even surprise myself. That might be part of the point to life: keep surprising yourself.
My most recent self-surprise: Walking. Allow me to backtrack for a moment. I am a big girl. I've been a big girl my entire life. I don't have a single memory of a time that I wasn't a big girl. So I've pretty much been on a diet since I was 12. Some really sucked. Some kind of worked. But they all ended the same way: failure. That's not necessarily a bad thing kids. I mean, I'm awesome at failing. If there was a prize for being the best at failing, I'm pretty sure I'd be in the running for the #1 spot. Failing does have a purpose - it teaches you what not to do. So after 22 some odd years of perfecting failing, I might just have figured out how not to fail. Which in itself, is a very scary concept.
Scary? Yes, scary. My whole life I have lived my life one way: as an overweight person. I know where I fit (and don't) in. I know how others see me. I know how I see myself. And now I'm deliberately and quite on purpose trying to change that. It's a very scary idea. Giving up the only way of life I've know for something I have no idea about? Sounds a little insane. But the idea is that with this change comes some pretty kick-ass benefits. Things like a longer life expectancy, being able to climb the 2 flights of stairs to my apartment without my lungs/legs feeling like their on fire, a better sex life - scratch that, a sex life period. And the biggest reward of all: happiness.
That's not to say that I'm not happy now. Let me be very clear. I am not one of those women who hates themselves. No sir. I love myself. A lot. I value myself and have a know how much self worth I have. Which is probably why I'm doing this. Because I love myself. I've tried to do this before for other people, because I love them. But it wasn't even quite enough. See? That's what 22 some odd years of failing teaches you. Learning from your mistakes is a great reward. So, back to the walking.
A few weeks ago, a strange thing happened. I went to an outdoor rock concert. The first band up was a newer one who I've loved since their very first single hit the airwaves. They're called "My Darkest Days". Now normally, I don't like crowds. I'm short and having that many people towering over me and in my personal space causes some great anxiety. So the strange thing was that I found myself, weaving my way through the crowd to get as close to the stage as possible to see said band. I made it right up close, 3 people away from the front. And I had a fucking awesome time. Not once did my surroundings bother me. I wasn't scared of the crowd at all. Reflecting back on it, that was a turning point. I faced a fairly big fear. I wasn't afraid. Holy shit. Colour me surprised. That one seemingly innocent event started the winds of change blowing and I've had several great weeks as a result. I started walking.
Exercise and I have never gotten along. I understand the point of it. Just doing it never struck me as fun. But one evening, which sitting around like a bump on a log. A tiny voice in my head said "isn't it a lovely evening for a walk?". And I agreed. The next thing I knew, I had my runners on and I was out the door. I'm very lucky to live near a beautiful pathway so off I went. Enjoying the scenery as I went. I got home and I felt amazing. That was new. So the next night, I was like " I wan to go for another walk" and off I went. This continued for a whole week. Then I took a night off to hang out with a friend instead. And you know what? I fucking missed not going for a walk. Insane, right? Apparently not. My body has started to crave the exercise. I put on my running shoes, put on my iPod, turn on my "rock" mix and away I got. One night last week I decided to wear my pedometer. I figured that my walk was just over 1km round trip. It wasn't. It was just over 3kms, round trip. Awesome.
I didn't get out this weekend so tonight was my first night back. I took my camera with me and took some photos of the beautiful things I see along the way. I also kept track of the songs I listened to while doing it. I like to think of the music as the soundtrack for my metamorphosis. I think I'm going to start posting each walk's soundtrack, just for fun. I'm also going to name the photos I took after lines in the songs that I was listening to. A reminder of that snapshot in time.
I hope you have enjoyed reading my very first post as much as I have enjoyed writing it.
Sarah
My most recent self-surprise: Walking. Allow me to backtrack for a moment. I am a big girl. I've been a big girl my entire life. I don't have a single memory of a time that I wasn't a big girl. So I've pretty much been on a diet since I was 12. Some really sucked. Some kind of worked. But they all ended the same way: failure. That's not necessarily a bad thing kids. I mean, I'm awesome at failing. If there was a prize for being the best at failing, I'm pretty sure I'd be in the running for the #1 spot. Failing does have a purpose - it teaches you what not to do. So after 22 some odd years of perfecting failing, I might just have figured out how not to fail. Which in itself, is a very scary concept.
Scary? Yes, scary. My whole life I have lived my life one way: as an overweight person. I know where I fit (and don't) in. I know how others see me. I know how I see myself. And now I'm deliberately and quite on purpose trying to change that. It's a very scary idea. Giving up the only way of life I've know for something I have no idea about? Sounds a little insane. But the idea is that with this change comes some pretty kick-ass benefits. Things like a longer life expectancy, being able to climb the 2 flights of stairs to my apartment without my lungs/legs feeling like their on fire, a better sex life - scratch that, a sex life period. And the biggest reward of all: happiness.
That's not to say that I'm not happy now. Let me be very clear. I am not one of those women who hates themselves. No sir. I love myself. A lot. I value myself and have a know how much self worth I have. Which is probably why I'm doing this. Because I love myself. I've tried to do this before for other people, because I love them. But it wasn't even quite enough. See? That's what 22 some odd years of failing teaches you. Learning from your mistakes is a great reward. So, back to the walking.
A few weeks ago, a strange thing happened. I went to an outdoor rock concert. The first band up was a newer one who I've loved since their very first single hit the airwaves. They're called "My Darkest Days". Now normally, I don't like crowds. I'm short and having that many people towering over me and in my personal space causes some great anxiety. So the strange thing was that I found myself, weaving my way through the crowd to get as close to the stage as possible to see said band. I made it right up close, 3 people away from the front. And I had a fucking awesome time. Not once did my surroundings bother me. I wasn't scared of the crowd at all. Reflecting back on it, that was a turning point. I faced a fairly big fear. I wasn't afraid. Holy shit. Colour me surprised. That one seemingly innocent event started the winds of change blowing and I've had several great weeks as a result. I started walking.
Exercise and I have never gotten along. I understand the point of it. Just doing it never struck me as fun. But one evening, which sitting around like a bump on a log. A tiny voice in my head said "isn't it a lovely evening for a walk?". And I agreed. The next thing I knew, I had my runners on and I was out the door. I'm very lucky to live near a beautiful pathway so off I went. Enjoying the scenery as I went. I got home and I felt amazing. That was new. So the next night, I was like " I wan to go for another walk" and off I went. This continued for a whole week. Then I took a night off to hang out with a friend instead. And you know what? I fucking missed not going for a walk. Insane, right? Apparently not. My body has started to crave the exercise. I put on my running shoes, put on my iPod, turn on my "rock" mix and away I got. One night last week I decided to wear my pedometer. I figured that my walk was just over 1km round trip. It wasn't. It was just over 3kms, round trip. Awesome.
I didn't get out this weekend so tonight was my first night back. I took my camera with me and took some photos of the beautiful things I see along the way. I also kept track of the songs I listened to while doing it. I like to think of the music as the soundtrack for my metamorphosis. I think I'm going to start posting each walk's soundtrack, just for fun. I'm also going to name the photos I took after lines in the songs that I was listening to. A reminder of that snapshot in time.
I hope you have enjoyed reading my very first post as much as I have enjoyed writing it.
Sarah
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