I stopped making New Year's Resolutions a few years ago. I decided that just trying to be a better version of myself and a kinder human being wasn't something that I just resolve to do, it should be something that I just do, so I went with it. However, this year I decided that it would be a good idea to start writing again. This is as close as I'm going to get to a New Year's Resolution, so here we go.
I just returned from spending 11 or so days with my parents. I survived and didn't freeze to death. They survived my complaining about how cold their house is, so all is well. I spent half my time wondering if they'd been this crazy all my life and I hadn't noticed until now and spent the other half wondering how I'm going to survive once they're gone. I can't fathom a world that doesn't have them in it. We discovered a British TV show together, called Mrs. Brown's Boys. If you haven't watched it, go do so. Like now. It's on Netflix. I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. Watching my mom and dad laugh was one of the greatest joys I've had in a long time. They seem so much younger when they're laughing.
I saw my brother for about a nano second. He came through, showed up with my sister in law and two nieces and managed to spend a couple hours with us on Christmas Eve afternoon. That's it. Two hours and a bit. It's the first time my parents have seen him since August (same here for that matter). I think I said all of five words to him. I was too busy spending quality time with my niece and was too worried that I'd strangle him if we were left alone for any length of time. I was able to see my niece again after Christmas and she spent most of the day with us. She's an amusing little so and so and I can't figure out how so much attitude can fit into something so tiny. She is in the "why" phase. When you tell her something, she asks "why". I took that challenge head on. Instead of the standard adult answer of "because I said so", I'd give her an answer. Sometimes it was a legit answers and sometimes I was totally making it up. Either way, she seemed happy and she only called me on a bullshit answer once.
Other than that, I didn't see much other family. Just my great Aunt and Uncle. They're awesome. They give me duct tape every year for Christmas. I could build a fucking ark with the amount of duct tape I am new in possession of. And every roll is different. My Aunt finds some pretty wicked patterns. I love it.
My dad nearly broke my heart this morning though. While waiting for a very late train to arrive (no surprise there, the fucker is never on time, even in good weather), he asked me if I wanted to stay longer. When I asked why, he said "I've gotten used to having you around." Just fucking shoot me now. Leaving them after a visit is one of the hardest things I have to do in this life and then my dad says that. It hurt so much. Still does. But I had to go. I had to get back to my life here. I wish I could just hit a pause button and flit back and forth between both worlds whenever I liked but I don't have the science back ground for that. So I shall continue on, living with the guilt I feel of being far away from my parents and family. There are some weeks that I would give up almost anything to be able to go and just have Sunday dinner with them. My dad even BBQ'd steaks in the -20 weather for me (and Mom). Now that's love.
Now I'm back, in my tiny, quiet apartment. It seems even smaller than normal tonight and it feels quite empty tonight as well. I know from experience that that feeling will start to fade over the next few days and things will be back to normal soon, but until then, my heart is going to hurt a little and the silence is going to be a bit louder than usual.
Alas, I have to return to the real world tomorrow and be an adult. And it all starts with French class at 9am. Le sigh. More on that later.
Good Night!
Sarah
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| A photo I snapped of Lake Ontario. I took it from the train on my way home today. |
