My most recent self-surprise: Walking. Allow me to backtrack for a moment. I am a big girl. I've been a big girl my entire life. I don't have a single memory of a time that I wasn't a big girl. So I've pretty much been on a diet since I was 12. Some really sucked. Some kind of worked. But they all ended the same way: failure. That's not necessarily a bad thing kids. I mean, I'm awesome at failing. If there was a prize for being the best at failing, I'm pretty sure I'd be in the running for the #1 spot. Failing does have a purpose - it teaches you what not to do. So after 22 some odd years of perfecting failing, I might just have figured out how not to fail. Which in itself, is a very scary concept.
Scary? Yes, scary. My whole life I have lived my life one way: as an overweight person. I know where I fit (and don't) in. I know how others see me. I know how I see myself. And now I'm deliberately and quite on purpose trying to change that. It's a very scary idea. Giving up the only way of life I've know for something I have no idea about? Sounds a little insane. But the idea is that with this change comes some pretty kick-ass benefits. Things like a longer life expectancy, being able to climb the 2 flights of stairs to my apartment without my lungs/legs feeling like their on fire, a better sex life - scratch that, a sex life period. And the biggest reward of all: happiness.
That's not to say that I'm not happy now. Let me be very clear. I am not one of those women who hates themselves. No sir. I love myself. A lot. I value myself and have a know how much self worth I have. Which is probably why I'm doing this. Because I love myself. I've tried to do this before for other people, because I love them. But it wasn't even quite enough. See? That's what 22 some odd years of failing teaches you. Learning from your mistakes is a great reward. So, back to the walking.
A few weeks ago, a strange thing happened. I went to an outdoor rock concert. The first band up was a newer one who I've loved since their very first single hit the airwaves. They're called "My Darkest Days". Now normally, I don't like crowds. I'm short and having that many people towering over me and in my personal space causes some great anxiety. So the strange thing was that I found myself, weaving my way through the crowd to get as close to the stage as possible to see said band. I made it right up close, 3 people away from the front. And I had a fucking awesome time. Not once did my surroundings bother me. I wasn't scared of the crowd at all. Reflecting back on it, that was a turning point. I faced a fairly big fear. I wasn't afraid. Holy shit. Colour me surprised. That one seemingly innocent event started the winds of change blowing and I've had several great weeks as a result. I started walking.
Exercise and I have never gotten along. I understand the point of it. Just doing it never struck me as fun. But one evening, which sitting around like a bump on a log. A tiny voice in my head said "isn't it a lovely evening for a walk?". And I agreed. The next thing I knew, I had my runners on and I was out the door. I'm very lucky to live near a beautiful pathway so off I went. Enjoying the scenery as I went. I got home and I felt amazing. That was new. So the next night, I was like " I wan to go for another walk" and off I went. This continued for a whole week. Then I took a night off to hang out with a friend instead. And you know what? I fucking missed not going for a walk. Insane, right? Apparently not. My body has started to crave the exercise. I put on my running shoes, put on my iPod, turn on my "rock" mix and away I got. One night last week I decided to wear my pedometer. I figured that my walk was just over 1km round trip. It wasn't. It was just over 3kms, round trip. Awesome.
I didn't get out this weekend so tonight was my first night back. I took my camera with me and took some photos of the beautiful things I see along the way. I also kept track of the songs I listened to while doing it. I like to think of the music as the soundtrack for my metamorphosis. I think I'm going to start posting each walk's soundtrack, just for fun. I'm also going to name the photos I took after lines in the songs that I was listening to. A reminder of that snapshot in time.
I hope you have enjoyed reading my very first post as much as I have enjoyed writing it.
Sarah
Your amazing... and I totally know that little feeling, the high of self satisfaction after breaking away from your norm. I felt it too when I started making little changes - one of them also being to live healthier. I hope you do post your walking songs. and keep writing.. I like that I can almost hear your voice as I read. I like ur style lady :)
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