Day 3 - Still Surreal

Day three is almost in the books now.

I had a conference call with my boss and our team. She's in self-isolation since she spent her holidays in the US. It was good to hear their voices. Made me feel connected again.

Before that, I took a walk at lunch. I venture down the 4-5 blocks to a Shopper's Drug Mart. I'd done a pretty decent job on stocking up (reasonably) on essential before the perverbial shit hit the fan but I managed to forget about dish soap. Shopper's had it on sale, so away I went.

I didn't pass anyone else walking. There were two people at a bus stop and another two people in the parking lot. McDonald's was hopping though but then again, it was lunch time. Inside the Shopper's, I only saw three, maybe four other people shopping. I stood well back from the man at the cash ahead of me and paid with debit before heading back home with my dish soap (sadly, they were sold out of my usual brand but I'll make do).

I didn't have any dance breaks today but I did haul my butt into a shower this morning. I didn't really want to but I kept telling myself that I'd feel better afterwards and I did. This is day two without make up for me. I'm getting used to it. Kind of like it. I did have the decency to put on a bra before I headed out at noonhour. I haven't gone completey savage yet.

Clearly having fun with photo filers. Going to try a new one each day!

My co-worker and I had a conversation about our parents today and how both sets don't seem to be taking this whole situation as seriously as they should. They don't seem to be grasping the social distancing thing nor the only go out if you absolutely have to thing. And the news says it's the youngins that aren't listening. Apparenlty the retirees aren't either. I think it might be that we live in a government town, with a large number of federal, provincial and municiple government employees. We also still have a large collection of tech companies, all of whom have decreed that all non-essential staff who can work from home should work from home. Add in the school closures and we've got a ghost town on our hands. My parents live in a city with a lot of manufacturing and factories which are still operating so a lot of people there don't have the option to work from home. Maybe their streets aren't as empty. Maybe their streets aren't as eerie. Maybe they have more peace of mind as there haven't been any confirmed cases of the virus in their town yet. And neither of them understand what it's like to be living completely on your own. If I get sick, there's no one to look after me. So yes, I'm taking this seriously.

Then this evening, I called my parents to check in and remind them about social distancing, which my dad apparently took to heart. A few minutes into the call, my brother tried calling them. Rather than wait until our call wrapped up, my father went into the other room and used his cell to call my brother. I could hear him talking to my brother while I was still chatting with my mom. What the actual fuck? My call to them was less than 20 minutes long. He couldn't wait that long? Nope. A rather hurtful end to the day for me.

Just watched a guilty pleasure (The Masked Singer!!) and read (Dragonfly in Amber - book 2 of the Outlander series) for the rest of the evening.

And that's pretty much it. I'm hoping to sleep better tonight and hoping my body will soon adjust to my new, later wake up time. So far I've been able to resisit the urge to nap before dinner. I hope I can keep it up.

"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along." - Eleanor Roosevelt

Welcome to 2020 and Social Distancing (days 1 and 2)

Hi there.

It's been a while. Almost two years in fact. Thought I'd pop in here, dust things off and get some thughts out of brain.

Given the current state of affairs and the new normal of social distancing, I've decided to resurrect my blog and use it as a means of self care during these uncertain times.

To bring eveyrone up to speed, I'm still in Ottawa. Still gainfully employed. Still single and have been limping since September. I tore my meniscus disk in my right knee on September 14th. Yes, it hurt, yes it still hurts, just not as badly. I was supposed to be having surgery in three days to fix it, but my surgery was cancelled (postponed really) until things with the Covid 19 are cleared up and it's safe to resume non-emergency surgery. Yes, I'm bummbed. I was looking forward to getting back to normal. But what really hurts is that I don't get to see my parents. They were coming up to help me but aren't now that my surgery is cancelled. It's safer for them to stay at home too.

So yesterday was the first real day of the ramped up social distancing thing. We received an email late Sunday night saying that we are to work from home where ever possible. My team and I still went into the office Monday morning, just to get a few things sorted out and to check things out with our Director. I stayed until the early afternoon and then headed home, stopping for some last minute supplies along the way, before logging back into my work accround from home. So yesterday was an alright day. Public Transit was deserted and that seemed really weird as was my office building. Other than that, nothing strange.

I tried to sleep in this morning but my internal clock had me up around my usual time. I guess that will take some getting used to. Logged into work and spent the day working remotely. Again, nothing too out of the ordinary, I've worked from home before.

My parents called this morning to say hi. I got a song played on a local radio stations "Old School Lunch" and I danced around my living room like an idiot. It was great. It was the break I needed at that moment.

(Click here to see what I was dancing to)

I've been deliberately limited my access to the news. It helps keep my anxiety at bay and doesn't overhwhelm me. I'm fortunate too that I have work to focus on and keep me going. LIke i said, today seemed pretty normal.

The surreal part of all of this didn't hitmy until about an hour ago. I was sitting on my couch, watching tv and it dawned on me that I didn't need to go to work tomorrow. Or the next day. Or the next day.....I turned on the national news. They were showing video from countries around the world, showing just how empty popular tourist spots are. The shot of Trafalgar Square in London hit me as I've been there somewhat recently and I remember how packed it was with people and just life in general.

I still can't quite wrap my head around it all. I'm old enough to remember the SARS outbreak and the H1N1 flu and neither were anything like this. Granted, social media wasn't as prolific during SARS so the information wasn't spearding quite as much, but this time around, it's very different.

I sit here wondering how many days it's going to take before the gravity of the situation finally sets in. How many days before this becomes my "normal"?  How long is this going to last? Will the virus spread stop? Will the disease drop off? Will they have a vaccine for us soon?

I really don't know.

All I can do is sit here and hope. Keep the belief that the Universe will look after us. That maybe this is what the world needs to make us start focusing on the really important things again.

Until then, I'm going to read my book(s), spend time on my balcony and dance arond my living room like an idiot several times a day.

Two days down.....

Oh, and Happy St. Patrick's Day! "May you live as long as you want, and never want as long as you live".

...and I'm back. For now.

Hello all you out there in internet land!

I stopped making New Year's Resolutions a few years ago. I decided that just trying to be a better version of myself and a kinder human being wasn't something that I just resolve to do, it should be something that I just do, so I went with it. However, this year I decided that it would be a good idea to start writing again. This is as close as I'm going to get to a New Year's Resolution, so here we go.

I just returned from spending 11 or so days with my parents. I survived and didn't freeze to death. They survived my complaining about how cold their house is, so all is well. I spent half my time wondering if they'd been this crazy all my life and I hadn't noticed until now and spent the other half wondering how I'm going to survive once they're gone. I can't fathom a world that doesn't have them in it. We discovered a British TV show together, called Mrs. Brown's Boys. If you haven't watched it, go do so. Like now. It's on Netflix. I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. Watching my mom and dad laugh was one of the greatest joys I've had in a long time. They seem so much younger when they're laughing. 

I saw my brother for about a nano second. He came through, showed up with my sister in law and two nieces and managed to spend a couple hours with us on Christmas Eve afternoon. That's it. Two hours and a bit. It's the first time my parents have seen him since August (same here for that matter). I think I said all of five words to him. I was too busy spending quality time with my niece and was too worried that I'd strangle him if we were left alone for any length of time. I was able to see my niece again after Christmas and she spent most of the day with us. She's an amusing little so and so and I can't figure out how so much attitude can fit into something so tiny. She is in the "why" phase. When you tell her something, she asks "why". I took that challenge head on. Instead of the standard adult answer of "because I said so", I'd give her an answer. Sometimes it was a legit answers and sometimes I was totally making it up. Either way, she seemed happy and she only called me on a bullshit answer once. 

Other than that, I didn't see much other family. Just my great Aunt and Uncle. They're awesome. They give me duct tape every year for Christmas. I could build a fucking ark with the amount of duct tape I am new in possession of. And every roll is different. My Aunt finds some pretty wicked patterns. I love it. 

My dad nearly broke my heart this morning though. While waiting for a very late train to arrive (no surprise there, the fucker is never on time, even in good weather), he asked me if I wanted to stay longer. When I asked why, he said "I've gotten used to having you around." Just fucking shoot me now. Leaving them after a visit is one of the hardest things I have to do in this life and then my dad says that. It hurt so much. Still does. But I had to go. I had to get back to my life here. I wish I could just hit a pause button and flit back and forth between both worlds whenever I liked but I don't have the science back ground for that. So I shall continue on, living with the guilt I feel of being far away from my parents and family. There are some weeks that I would give up almost anything to be able to go and just have Sunday dinner with them. My dad even BBQ'd steaks in the -20 weather for me (and Mom). Now that's love.

Now I'm back, in my tiny, quiet apartment. It seems even smaller than normal tonight and it feels quite empty tonight as well. I know from experience that that feeling will start to fade over the next few days and things will be back to normal soon, but until then, my heart is going to hurt a little and the silence is going to be a bit louder than usual. 

Alas, I have to return to the real world tomorrow and be an adult. And it all starts with French class at 9am. Le sigh. More on that later.

Good Night!

Sarah

A photo I snapped of Lake Ontario. I took it from the train on my way home today.

Switzerland

I've been feeling a lot like Switzerland lately. As in the "neutral party stuck between two warring factions" sort of way.

Have you ever been stuck in the middle of a situation, where you're the neutral party and have nothing to do with the conflict, but are being dragged into by both warring sides and are now collateral damage? 

Welcome to my world. And it's only getting worse. 

Several months ago (and I mean more than 6 months ago), something happened which caused a stunningly huge rift to form between my mother and my brother. Best part? Both of them are in the wrong. My mother technically caused it but my brother could have prevented it so I'm calling it even there. They haven't spoken since, except for when I was home. 

And they both keep bitching to me about the other one, both blame the other one and both are playing the victim like they're up for a fucking Oscar. 

I called my brother back in the summer while my parents were away. I spent 7 minutes on the phone with him (yes, I checked the timer). Not once did he ask me how I was doing, or what I was doing or how my summer was going or when was I coming to visit or how was work....nope. Just bitched about my parents and answered some questions I asked about my niece.

I'll be talking to my mom or emailing with my mom and she'll slide in a "have your heard from your brother lately" and no matter what my answer is, a rant then follows. I can't win.

And of course, my sister-in-law is adding drama to the situation, saying that if this isn't sorted out by Christmas, she and the kids won't come over to my parents' house for our Christmas because it's too much of a tense and volatile situation. To hear her talk, she's making my mother out to be a monster. Yes, my mom has a temper but it's not like she's deliberately mean and when all is said and done, that's still my mom you're putting down and I don't need to hear that!!!!

That's the root of this issue. My brother basically replaced my Mom,Dad and I with an instant family of his own. Right from the get go, it was all about her and her family and my parents got pushed to the back burner. And then my brother has the audacity  to complain that my parents never make an effort to see him and the kids. That's rich. He's never come to visit me. He never calls me to say hello. Hell, if it wasn't for the fact that my niece exists, I'd never speak to him. If I was ever kidnapped, he'd never to be able to tell the cops anything about me, my job or my life here. And while that bothers me, I don't think it bothers him at all.

I found out this week that he'd hurt himself and actually popped a rib. I asked him why he didn't tell me and he just said he was busy. When I mentioned it to my sister in law, she said "I never though to tell you.".

Yup. That perfectly summarizes my relationship with them.  I've come to terms with that and I make an effort because of my niece. My step nephew is pretty cool too but I never get to see him/talk to him.  And my step-niece is a teenager so she's not interested in any of us dumb adults and I get that. 

Anyhow, getting back to the situation at hand. My mother and my brother are cut from the same cloth. They both have the same temper and they're both giant, stubborn assess. 

My mother refuses to apologize because she feels that she doesn't get any respect from my brother and his family and my brother refuses to make contact first because my mom won't apologize and he just keeps saying "it's a 2-way street".

My Dad is collateral damage too. He can't say anything to my mother because she'll yell at him and bite his head off (I have the same problem) and my brother hasn't spoken to him - no fucking idea why. But he's not helping the situation either. He won't reach out to my brother either.

So, here we are. 5 weeks before Christmas and my Christmas is pretty much more or less ruined already. The anxiety knot in my stomach grows bigger every day. I'm not excited about Christmas at all. 

I see my friends on Facebook posting photos of them decorating their homes with their families and talking about how excited they are for Christmas and all the fun they're going to have with their families and it just makes me more and more sad. I went to the Santa Claus parade on Saturday and nearly broke out in tears at 3 different times. I kept looking at all the kids around me, so excited about Christmas and Santa and it broke my heart. 

I don't live near my family. I'm 6 hour away from them.

I'm never going to get to take my niece to see Santa. I don't get to go Christmas shopping and have lunch with my mom or help my parents decorate the house anymore. All I have left is when my brother and his family comes over to celebrate Christmas with my parents and I. I get to bake cookies with my niece and for a little while, I feel normal and not so alone in the world.

But it doesn't look like that's going to happen this year. 

When I lived out west, I spent a Christmas alone. Had some friends over for dinner and had a nice time. I'm starting to think that staying here, all on my own, would be better than going home.  Maybe that will make the knot in my stomach leave. At least I know it would be drama free and I wouldn't have to deal with anyone bitching or getting angry or being hurt and moody. I wouldn't have to deal with any tension.

Maybe I should just say screw them all and take off to a beach resort for a week and spending Christmas sitting on a beach, in the sun, reading a good book. 

Either here alone or on the beach, I wouldn't have to continue to be hurt by two people who are supposed to love me. 

I hate being stuck in the middle of a situation that I can't do one good god damned thing about. It's killing me. I'm anxious, stressed out and will soon be drinking pepto straight from the bottle. 

I also feel guilty. Maybe if I didn't live so far away, things wouldn't have gotten this bad. Maybe if I'd been there, nothing would have happened. 

I wonder if Switzerland ever felt guilty? 

I am honestly, completely, and am totally at a loss as to what to do. 

Bah Fucking Humbug.

Women's March

Yesterday, Donald Trump was sworn in as the 45th President of the United States of America.

You have no idea how much I wish that was the opening line to a joke. But it isn't. It's very real.

Watching the news over the last 6 months has made me increasingly more worried, more concerned. 

I studied history. I know that women and minorities have had to fight for almost every right, every privileged that's been granted to them through out history. I know that the fight continues for some of those today. 

I saw a public figure make bold and disturbing statements that threaten the social rights progress that has been made over the last few decades. I saw people accept what that public figure said. I saw people support, defend and "brush off" those statements. Then I saw the unthinkable happen:

I saw a nation elect that public figure into what is arguably one of the most powerful political positions in the world. 

I'm no longer worried, I'm terrified. I'm terrified that a strained situation is going to snowball and get worse. I'm terrified that those who were able to accept those disturbing statements will become so complacent that they start to accept disturbing actions. 

I'm beyond terrified that those attitudes will filter into my country, and that my nieces will grow up in a world that treats women, minorities, civil, social and basic human rights worse than the world that I was lucky enough to grow up in.

Forget making America great again, let's try returning hope to all those who struggle, who are oppressed just because of their gender, religion, skin colour or sexual orientation.

I am hopeful for a world of harmony, acceptance and grace, where the United States isn't being lead by a bully and where basic human rights aren't in jeopardy.

This is why I support all those women and men who were marching in peaceful protest all around the world today. Thank you and Good night.

Sarah

Gyms and Whitesnake

Last winter, during my blog hiatus, I had a minor crisis occur in my little world. My gym, quite abruptly, closed.

Ok, I know this sounds like no big deal and in the greater scheme of things, it isn't, but to my little world at the time, it was a huge deal.

I'd been going to the gym for over a year at that point. Which was a pretty big deal for me. I'd finally found a place and a routine that worked for me. Somewhere I was comfortable. But one day in February, I showed up for my after work workout to find a note on the ground floor saying that effective immediately, the place was closed. The poor staff were blind sided too. I was stunned. And very upset. I even cried a little. You see, this wasn't just some gym. It was a life line. Even now, sitting here writing this, it's upsetting me again and I have tears in my eyes.

The exercise was helping to keep my mood in check during the winter, helping me to keep my inner demons in check and securely locked away. I made friends there. I'd see the same people during my work outs and became invested in their lives and their progress. The coaches were our cheerleaders. We laughed together. It wasn't just some gym where you went in, put your head down, did your workout and left. People noticed when I wasn't there. People were genuinely invested in how I was doing and how I was progressing. And just like that, it was all gone. Poof. I actually felt like someone had died. I grieved the loss. And truthfully, I was terrified. I was at a complete loss as to what I was going to do. I couldn't switch to another location because there wasn't one close enough to my home or work to make it viable. I seriously didn't know what I was going to do. Didn't know how I was going to cope.

About a month later, my friend MA convinced me to try an aquafit class at her gym. I've taken one before and I like swimming so I gave it a try. I liked it. So I signed up. For roughly 9 months, I've been going to aquafit. At first it was 3 times a week and then it dropped to twice a week. We did try adding in a floor class to fill up that 3rd day but couldn't find one we liked or were comfortable with. By the end of November, I think I was making it to 1 class a week and as of today, I haven't been to a class since mid-December. I've lost all desire to get in that pool. Part of that is the fact that I don't like standing in -20C weather, with semi wet hair, waiting for a bus after the class. It's a welcome change in the summer but in the winter, it sucks.

Between December 2014 and now, I've managed to gain roughly 25lbs. I've never been bigger in my life than I am right now. This isn't good. It's bad. Very, very bad. I've stopped going places, I've stopped seeing people because I'm embarrassed. Hell, even my 3 year old niece called me out at Christmas (totally adorable "out of the mouths of babes" moment, which I actually laughed at). I'm not comfortable in my own skin at the moment, and that hurts.

Don't get me wrong, I still have self respect and dignity and will put anyone in their place should they dare say anything negative me about my weight but at the same time, I've very aware and conscious of the fact that I'm slowly killing myself.

Today I took a tiny step to try to fix things. Well, actually I took the step last Friday, they just didn't have any spots open until today. All those friggin' New Year's Resolution people taking up the prime spots. Bastards. LOL. Anyhow, I signed up for an orientation session at my new gym. Hell, I've been there for almost a year now so I guess it's high time that I figure out how to use something more than the pool eh?

A personal trainer takes us around the gym and shows us what to use and how to use it. It was an hour long session with 3 of us and the trainer. He gave us a basic and rather simple follow plan. It's doable. 5 minutes of warm up on a cardio machine followed by 4 machines and then 2 strength exercises done on the floor, with 10-20 minutes of cardio to end it off. The trainer recommended that we do the cardio part 5-6 days a week and add the weights in for 3 of the days. I managed not to laugh in his face.  I only had a hard time on one of the machines. I have to give the trainer props here. He looked at me and said that he had an alternate for me as he didn't think this particular machine wouldn't be effective for me. He wrote the other suggestion on my sheet, wrote down the name of a website where I can find a tutorial on how to do it and gave me his card so that I can email him and let him know when I'd be in the gym so he could come and see me and show me how to do it as well. Well then.

I was anxious before the session and I felt a sense of trepidation walking into the gym but I made it through the session and then stayed to do some walking on the treadmill. I then ended up doing a whole boat load more walking while I ran errands and got groceries and I've been hobbling around my apartment all afternoon/evening but that's a whole other story. My previous gym was a women's only thing. And there weren't any mirrors in the gym. This one is co-ed and there are mirrors all over the damn place. This is one of the times/places that I want to be invisible. I'm ok with a trainer watching me but I don't like others being able to do so and I sure as shit don't want to be able to see myself when I'm working out either.

But I guess I'm just going to have to get over that eh? Now I have an entire day ahead of me to psych myself up to attempt this on my own Monday after work. Cue Whitesnake.... :) (bonus points to anyone who gets that reference).

Sigh. This should be interesting........God help me!!

Good Night!

Sarah

"Venus in Front of the Mirror" - Peter Paul Rubens

Happy New Blog

So I guess it's been a while eh? Over a year in fact. 

I'm writing this as a gift to my mother, who repeatedly has told me that she's getting tired of reading the same blog post. Even though so knows that I haven't been writing, she checks my blog every morning. I'm glad to know that I have at least one dedicated reader. 

So 2016 is upon us and I have to say, I'm happy to see it. It's not because 2015 was a bad year, because it wasn't, it's just that I have a gut feeling about 2016 and it's a good gut feeling.

It's off to a good start so far. I spent NYE with my friend MA. We stuffed our faces, watched a movie and toasted with Sparkling fruit juice at Midnight. We're real wild women aren't we? Today I helped her cook a feast fit for royalty and joined her and 3 others for a very wonderful turkey dinner. One of the friends I've met before and I think she's a hoot. The other 2 were people I was meeting for the first time. We all hit it off and had a grand ol' time. Food was enjoyed, stories were shared. Laughter rang out and smiles were abundant. We're not even 24 hours into 2016 and I've already been social and made a couple of new friends. I certainly hope this is a trend that continues into 2016. 

Looking back, 2015 was a pretty good year. I got to spend time with several people who are near and dear to my heart. My last blog was written 4 days after I started a new job. I'm still there! I've settled in and have learnt pretty much everything about how it works. It's still a bit of a work in progress but it is progressing. It's quite far from being my dream job, but it pays the bills and it's serving its purpose as a stepping stone and learning opportunity on my path. 

In May, I headed home for my birthday and had a great (but short) visit with my family. 

June saw a new owner taking over my apartment building. This has been a good thing. They've made some fantastic improvements. I'm still living in the same crappy apartment but it's now a slightly less crappy one thanks to the improvements. My balcony garden was a pretty awesome one this year and I added a new hibiscus plant to my collection. 

I headed East in August to visit on my oldest friend (as in the friend I've known the longest) and we had ourselves a great adventure in PEI and the Moncton area of NB. I went swimming in the Ocean which I haven't done since I was kid, I saw a jellyfish (didn't get stung!) and walked on the Ocean floor in New Brunswick. I got to visit with all her boys and made a friend for life with her cat, even though I'm quite allergic.  I'm pretty sure that I've fallen in love with PEI. This could end up being an expensive obsession.

The end of August/start of September brought me a very welcome visitor from BC. I got a chance to play tour guide once again in my fabulous city and get caught up with one of my favourite people. The first weekend we nearly melted it was so hot. The 2nd weekend, we nearly froze and were quite damp around the edges. LOL. Gotta love Canadian weather.

I got a real treat in October when my parents came to visit me for Thanksgiving. This was a first. They've never been here for Thanksgiving before. It was a great but way to short visit. I even managed to cook a spectacular turkey dinner with all the fixings in my slightly less crappy little apartment. 

I just got back from my Christmas holidays 2 days ago. I had a nice, long visit with my parents. It's funny. No matter how long I'm home, it never feels like it's long enough. Every time I get on the train and I wave good bye are we're pulling away from the station, my heart breaks a little. You'd think I would be used to it by now, but no, I'm not. 2016 marks me having lived away for home for 19 years. That's the same amount of time that I lived at home. And yet I still get crazy excited when I get to see my parents and I get sad and heart broken when I have to leave or they have to leave. Part of the heart break is that I know that they're getting old. I don't want them to get old. The older they get, the closer I get to having to say a final goodbye to them. That's something I can't fathom doing. My humble words can't begin to convey how amazing my parents are or how lucky I am to be their daughter. I honestly have no idea what I'd do without them and I hope and pray that it's a good long time before I have to find out how to do that. 

So, in a nutshell, that was 2015. I'm keeping the faith that 2016 will beat 2015 in awesomeness. I hope I get to spend even more time with those near and dear to me. I hope I get to see even more of my country or even the world. I hope I smile more. And laugh more. Spend more carefree days at the beach or wandering my city. I hope to convert more strangers into friends. I hope to worry less and let more things go. I hope to love myself more and take better care of me. I hope to read more amazing books and watch less television. I hope to hear my soul sing more and hope to keep shorter chains on my demons. I hope to love more. And most of all, I hope to live more in 2016.

Let's do this!

Good Night!!

Sarah

Cavendish Beach, PEI