As a result, I was really looking forward to a day out today with a friend, hoping to take in a movie so I could laugh and escape for a bit and get out of my own head. But that didn't happen. I was bailed on, again, and reminded why it is that I have such a hard time trusting people and the stuff that tell me. I keep a lot to myself. I very rarely admit it when I'm feeling this low and I almost never reach out to anyone when I am. But I tried taking the risk this time, doing that. Admitting that I didn't want to be alone and probably shouldn't be alone....and it blew up in my face.
This, ladies and gentlemen, is why I don't trust people. Why I don't open up to people, even those closest to me. Because at the end of the day, no matter how many times those around you promise to be there for you, promise to help you, promise that you can count of them, you're still alone. And the only person you can be 100% sure of and count on 100% of the time is yourself. I'd been lulled into a false sense of security as of late. I guess this was life's way of reminding me of that. That and the fact that I don't like burdening others with my problems. I figure everyone has problems so why I should I try to burden someone else with mine? I don't mind it when others do that to me, because it simply gives me a chance to focus on something/someone else and I can give my worries a rest for a while. What can I say? I love escapism.
The worst part? This isn't the first time this person has done it to me. If it had been, I might have been ok. But as it was, this issue has been bugging me for a long time and in true Sarah fashion, rather than address it sooner, I let it go and fester and a final straw came along and *BOOM*, I went off. I remember my mom warning me about "fair weather friends" when I was younger. You know, people who are only your friends when they feel like it or when you're of use to them, or when they don't have a current boyfriend? Yeah, it's that kind of situation. Except in this case it's a "when I'm alone/bored and my husband isn't here" kind of friend. There's a lot more I'd like to say about that situation but I'll bite my tongue. It's not my place to say and my opinions weren't asked for, so they shall not be offered.
All I'm going to say is that I'll NEVER change who I am for anyone nor will I ever let a man/my husband dictate my life to me. And if that means staying single for the rest of my life, so be it. I will never settle.
So, then I was faced with a fun old catch 22. All I wanted to do was throw myself onto my bed and spend the rest of the day sleeping/crying on and off. But that's not a healthy option. It just feeds my depression and makes it worse. So option 2 was to go out and get some fresh air and sunshine into my system, which meant being around laughing, happy people, which I really did not want to be around. Ironically, after the events of the morning, I simply wanted to be alone. Being a good girl and learning from my mistakes, I sucked it up, got dressed, slapped on some make up, did my hair and headed out. I'm not a child and I know how to take care of myself. Not that I have much choice. If I don't do it, there's no one else to! Besides, it's not like I enjoy feeling like this and I know I need to be pro-active to get out of the funks when they come along.
My destination was Confederation Park for Winterlude. As I feared, the park was crowed with people and it was damn cold. Those lying bastards at Environment Canada said it would be -6 today. Yeah, right. Anyhow, I wandered around the park and got in line to view the ice sculptures. I growled at the little brats that ran into me and nearly threw a snowball at the young couple sucking face by the garbage can, but other than that, I made it through without causing any great harm too. Even managed to use the Port-O-Potty without freezing my ass to the seat (but it was close). I got some lunch and treated myself to some maple taffy on a stick (one of my most favourite things in the world) and then I headed to the mall so that the feeling would return to my left foot, right hand and my face. After checking out a few places in the mall, I headed for the market.
Mmmm, maple taffy.
By this point, I was feeling better. Being outside in the sun and the air was helping, as I knew it would. The crowds were annoying me less. All good signs. I stopped at the butcher and got some of my favourite sausages and a stuffed hen for dinner tomorrow night. I got one of my favourite cheeses and grabbed some veggies from a very cool organic type market shop. I traded text messages with my buddy Xtinktor while waiting for the bus and we had a laugh making fun of the Leaf's fans. All was good until I got home and turned on my computer.
Despite telling said person "leave me the fuck alone" they couldn't leave well enough alone and had emailed again when I was out. Well there went any salvation of my mood. Kind of impressive how someone can ruin your day twice in the span of 8 hours. But I took the high road this time. I simply hit "delete" and the went onto Facebook and distracted myself with some farming. If only real life farming was that simple and easy.
I had a nice phone chat with a good friend this evening and a few good laughs. I know what brought on the call and I'm not really impressed by the catalyst, but it was great chatting with her none the less and I'm happy that she called. We've been emailing between baby naps and long days of work and sometimes it's hard to find the time to sit down and write out everything that you want to say.
After that, I realized it was kind of late and decided to re-heat my leftovers for dinner. I watched tv and played on the computer but I don't actually recall much of what I was watching. Online I was checking out some cool plant ideas and cool planters. Some of the stuff out there is very innovative! My dad called to rub in the fact that Toronto beat Ottawa and to update me on my parents' night out with my 2 great aunts and my great uncle. I'm glad that they all had a fun time. It stuff like that that I miss the most. Thankfully, the two calls helped make me feel a bit better, so this evening has been pretty good.
So now here I am, writing my 200th blog. Sorry it couldn't be a more upbeat one, but that's life. I really should get to bed. Despite getting to sleep in, even after Michelle texted me and woke me up!, I'm kind of sleepy. Being emotionally drained does that. I've got a whole laundry list of stuff I need to take care of tomorrow, including laundry, so sleep is a good plan. Tomorrow's another day and hopefully I'll be feeling ever better still tomorrow.
200 blogs. Wow. I can't believe that I'm still doing this. I can't believe how much it's helped me. I can't believe what a big part of my life it's become. I started it late last July because I love to write and I wanted to do something everyday that I love and as a way of getting the thoughts out of my head so I could sleep at night or relax when reading/watching tv. What an awesome experiment this turned out to be. Now if I could only think up a good story line for a book....LOL.
Good Night!
Sarah
My favourite ice sculpture - they're mermaids.
Paper lantern tunnel
Skating on the Rideau Canal
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