Seeing as today is Bell's "Let's Talk" day, a day to support Mental Health, I decided that would be exactly what I'd do.
I have a mental health issue. I've had one for nearly 14 years.
I was in my third and final year of University and I was miserable. I'd lost interest in all my favourite hobbies, my diet was all over the place, I was crazy tired all the time yet I couldn't sleep, I had no energy and I cried all the time. So I went to see a doctor on campus. He said that it sounded like depression and prescribed me an anti-depressant and scheduled me for a follow up appointment. What? Me? Depressed?? Not possible. I had nothing to be sad about. Nope, he had to be wrong. But he wasn't. I really didn't like that first drugs. Yes, my mood improved but it felt fake. And the side effects were awful. He put me on a different one and things got better. This one seemed to work a bit better. No advice, no assistance other than "take the meds". So I did. After a few months of feeling good, he took me off the drugs and away I went, thinking I was all better.
Boy was I wrong. The darkness and the demons came back. Slowly, so I didn't really notice, but they came back. And they brought friends. I had terrible mood swings and I was looking for happiness in all the wrong places. I would spend an entire afternoon or evening, just sitting on my bed or on the floor in the living room, looking at the wall, tears running down my face. Not eating, not sleeping, not talking to anyone. The scariest part? The part that I've never told anyone, ever - was that I used to compose suicide notes in my head. I'd try and try and try to find a way to justify taking my own life. I tried so hard to think up a way to explain to my family and friends why I wanted to leave them and how much better off they'd be without me... That was 11 years ago. And it hurts so much to remember that. To remember what I was thinking and feeling then. As long as I live, I will never forget that darkness. It's a part of my forever and it reminds me of how strong I am and how far I've come.
Obviously, I never gave into those thoughts or feelings. In fact, I actually told someone what I was feeling and their response was "Get help or I'm calling someone and getting it for you". A very unlikely source with a shocking response to me. I promised to get help. Through chance or happenstance, I saw an ad in the paper looking for participants for a new anti-depressant drug study being conducted by the Royal Ottawa Hospital. I signed up. The invited me in for an evaluation. I under went a psychiatric exam which concluded that I was not crazy (Just like Sheldon, I've been tested and I'm sane!!!!!!!!) and the doctor told me that I was clinically depressed. And I started the study. After about 3 weeks, it was clear that I was on the placebo. The doctor gave me the chance to quit the study and get treatment but I toughed it out for the duration so that my results would count. After the study was over, the doctor took the time to talk to me and based on my previous experiences and such, recommended an anti-depressant and I started taking it.
Once again, I ran into a side effects issue but this time, I talked to him about it. Apparently the ones I had were very common and he prescribed me a 2nd med to take along with the first. The combo seemed to work and the side effects left. So then he decided to try the 2nd drug on its own and by golly, that was the magic trick. I felt like myself again. No artificial high. No side effects. Just me. For the first time in 5 years, I felt like my old self. I can't tell you how good that felt. I was on the medication much longer this time and after a year, the doctor decided it was time to go off of it. I was terrified. I still vividly remember what happened the last time. But my fears were for nought. The demons stayed away...for a while. When the did return, it was only in the winter and the doctor told me that it was seasonal depression. He said that he could give me medication but with seasonal, you're depressed for such a shorter period of time that medication is hard to work with, unless the depression is sever. What he gave me instead was advice and tools to cope and be able to manage the seasonal depression.
And that's what I've done ever since. I've gotten much better at coping and dealing and I've picked up some great tips along the way. I read all the new research and studies that come out and pick up advice there. I still have dark days. I still have demons. But they are far and few between. And they are no where as bad as they once were. I'm smart enough and brave enough now to know that should they ever come back that badly, I know where to turn for help and I won't hesitate to do it.
I understand it now. I know that my dark is so dark only because the light in me is so bright. Shadows are caused by the light and when the light dims, the shadows get bigger. And that's ok. I don't have to be happy every single day, every single moment. I'm allowed be sad. I'm allowed to tell my friends that I don't want to go out because I need a "me" day. I'm allowed to be sarcastic with my co-workers from time to time. LOL. I'm allowed to think and feel and be emotional. I'm allowed to be myself. The good, even better and great days all out number the bad ones. The happy out number the sad. And so long as they continue to do so, I know I'm all good. Without darkness, there can't be light, because if all we had was light, we'd never know how awesome it truly is.
Mental health is very important. Just like a doctor who fixes a broken leg or treats you for the flu, mental issues can be treated and cured. Stop being so afraid. Talk to a friend. Talk to a doctor. Get help, it's out there. Just don't ever give. I promise that I never will.
Thanks for listening.
Good Night!
Sarah
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