Looking back on my life, I realized that in high school I spent a lot of time doing things to either make other people happy or keep other people happy. Some days I wish I could steal Doc Brown's time machine and travel back to high school and talk some sense into my self. But I guess you can't live and learn if you don't make the mistakes in the first place.
In my second year of college, I finally admitted to myself that I had a serious problem and sought help. That was the first time I really took any great strides towards trying to be happy. In that case, I ended up taking anti-depressants. Which worked. I had a great doctor who took the time to ensure that we found the right medication and ensured that I got better.
The next quest for happiness saw me moving 4000kms away to Calgary. That kind of worked. It worked for the first 6 months. The next 3.5 years were kind of on the rough side. I should have sought help but didn't. I was an idiot for not doing that but again, live and learn. So when the opportunity presented itself to move back, I jumped at it and I'm very happy that I did so, even if it meant saying good bye to one of my very best friends. I really do miss watching the Sens games and eating cheap wings with you in Mug's Pub Cam!!
Even though I was back in Ottawa, the job scene didn't have me overly happy. After a year and a half at the place, I was laid off. And I have to admit, I've never been happier in my life to be laid off. It was a huge relief. All the stress was gone. And I was very happy about that.
It's been more than 2 years now and I'm pretty happy. I have a job that I love (which might be ending in 2 short months but I'll cross that bridge when we come to it) and having learnt from my past mistakes, I doubled up my vitamin D dosage per day and what a HUGE difference that has made. Amazing.
Everything is slowly falling into place. I don't feel guilty about doing things that make me happy anymore or better yet, I don't feel as guilty for saying "no" to things that I know won't make me happy. Like why I haven't had sex in a very long time. While sex does make me happy (seriously, if it doesn't you're doing something very, very wrong), casual sex doesn't make me happy. It might temporarily but not the next morning. I keep being asked why a "young, liberated, independent woman" like me isn't out living it up. It's simple. It's because this young, liberated, independent woman happens to have some rather old fashioned morals (I blame my parents) and as much as I want to be seen as cool or popular or whatever the hell makes you part of the in crowd these days, if I means doing things that don't make me happy, count me out. Call it selfish if you will, but if it doesn't make me happy, I'm not interested.
My trip to the grocery store this evening saw me make a rather silly "happy" decision too. I was hungry. Which is a horrible thing when you're in a store surrounded by food. The beautifully glazed doughnuts and delicious looking cheese sticks were calling my name. Eating them would have made me happy, for about 10 minutes. Then the guilt would have set in. Again, learn from your mistakes. I've been an emotional eater for years and I know better. Food can be just like a drug. So I said no and kept walking. Instead, I decided to have chicken fajitas for dinner and bought the ingredients for that. I skipped the chip aisle all together (not trusting the earlier will power) and opted to get some roasted soy nuts for a snack instead. The fajitas I made were pretty kick ass too. I had an avocado in the fridge so I made some fresh guacamole to go on them and sauteed up some mushrooms and they were amazing. So much more delicious and filling than a stupid doughnut would have been, that's for sure. And that one, seemingly insignificant decision made me very happy this evening.
Whether it's a big decision, like deciding to take a chance on a new job and a new city or a small one like making a smarter food choice in the grocery store, making the decision to be happy is the best one of all.
It isn't easy for me, especially in the winter, but I know what to do to cope, to get through it and get back to being happy. I know the triggers for emotional eating and am finding new ways to deal with that all the time - like drinking tea instead. The only down side to that seems to be getting up to pee at 2am. LOL.
And right now, wrapping up this blog and crawling into my nice, warm, comfortable bed is going to make me very happy :)
Good Night!
Sarah
One of my most favourite "Happy" places
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