Excitement's evil twin: Anxiety

Another long day at work, doing some overtime. It was uber hot in our office today. Largely due to the fact that it got up to 26 with the humidex today. Kind of crazy but it was definitely welcome. Especially since we're in for rain all week.

I'm trying to contain my excitement and keep some anxiety at bay. My Halloween party and rock show is tomorrow night. The excitement is expected. But the anxiety? Not so much. But that happens to me a lot.

Whenever I do something new, something that's unknown or out of the norm for me, my old friend anxiety shows up. It's been with me since I was in high school. It's been unbearable and it's been manageable. Back n 2005, before I moved to Calgary, I had to go on anti-anxiety medication because my anxiety was so bad that it was keeping me up at night. Not good. Thankfully it's never been that bad since.

Anxiety is different than a panic attack. Panic attacks are usually sudden and intense. Anxiety is slow and builds. It starts as a knot in my stomach and just goes from there. I get sick feeling, cold, sometimes get the shakes, then the other issues pop up. I have to pee every 15 minutes and if it's really bad, diarrhea. And if it's horrible...I throw up. Thankfully, the last one hasn't happened in years and I'm getting much better at controlling my anxiety.

Here's the really dumb part. I can do the same thing 10 times and have anxiety attacks on the 1st, 6th, 8th and 10th times. That happens to me when I travel. I've taken the train home about 100 times and yet every time I do, I still get some anxiety when I travel. Usually it's mixed with excitement and now a days, it's controllable but it still sucks. Just having that feeling with you blows. You look forward to something and get so excited about it and then the day of you just feel sick and bloated and uneasy. Kind of dampens the mood. Thankfully, once I get settled into the event, or on the train or meet the person, I calm right down and the anxiety goes away. It's just the lead up that makes me sick. And so much of it is irrational and I know it is but that doesn't stop it. I really hate it.

So I'm hoping that tomorrow, anxiety decides to bugger off and let me have fun. I don't want to stress over my costume or what the venue is going to be like or anything else like that. I just want to enjoy the fact that I get to go out. Get to spend the night with some fun people and get to see an awesome band. I just want to focus on enjoying myself and how much fun dressing up can be!

The first step in that process is going to be getting a good night's sleep. I get to sleep in tomorrow so I'm happy about that too. And I really am excited about going out tomorrow. I'm really looking forward to getting out of my comfort zone and cutting loose for a night. And having some fun too ;)

Good Night!

Sarah

My Darkest Days - the band I'll be seeing tomorrow night