For those who know me well, they know this: I don't like kids. Ok, that's not quite true. It's more like, I don't handle being around children very well. In fact, they fucking scare the crap out of me. Maybe it was all the years of babysitting when I was younger, maybe it's the fact that I've been single forever or maybe it's that I'm too independent and career focused, but whatever the cause, I have no desire to be a mother. Gasp in shock all you will, but I said it and I mean it.
When I reveal this to people, I usually get the response of "But you'd be such a good mom" or "You'll change your mind when you meet the right man.". What the fuck? I'm pretty sure I'd be a good millionaire too but I don't see anyone stepping up to give me a million dollars to test out that theory. And the changing my mind when I meet the right man thing also terrifies me. The thought that my entire life would go ass over tea kettle just because I have a man in it really is a scary idea to me.
As a little girl, I played with dolls and pretended they were a baby. I took a babysitting course when I was 12 and baby-sat on and off through high school. I mothered all the neighbourhood kids since I was the only girl on the block. In highschool, I seemed to be the one everyone turned to for advice and this continued into University. In college, I often felt like a den mother. Maybe I got all the mothering out of my system early and that's why I feel the way I feel? I do recall my biological clock waking up and starting to tick while I was still living in Calgary. Perhaps in an attempt to snooze it, I actually managed to kill it completely? Who knows!
Perhaps the long and the short of it is that I feel that I'm just too fucked up to even contemplate raising a child. I swear there are some weeks where I can barely look after myself let alone another human being. I understand that being a parent is a gift and the most wonderful job in the world. I simply can't see it for myself and I'm happy with that.
What annoys me the most is that a lot of people seem to think that there's something wrong with me when I tell them that I don't want children. Like everything else in life, it's a choice. And I've made my choice.
I have to admit that I'm getting much better with kids now that I have some in my life. I took my nephew to the park. We played on the slides, the swings and the "car" that was in the play ground. My dad walked down and joined us and we had a great time. On the way home, we stopped at the store and I bought him a Popsicle and a sucker and we walked home and managed to get the Popsicles all over the both of us. I'm not sure which one of us was stickier. When my niece woke up from her nap, I was the one to pick her up and of course, she started to scream again. But with some help from my sister-in-law, we got her calmed down and I got to sit and play with my niece for about a half hour. She really is quite adorable. Even when she's screaming. I guess it is different when they're related to you. I do love them all and I did have fun with them, but I was very happy to be able to give them back at the end of the afternoon.
One of my best friends gave birth back in May to an adorable baby boy. I got to meet him and hold him when he was only a day old. That was insanely scary for me but very cool at the same time. And I was alright with that. While I am going to (and sort of already am) miss the relationship I had with his mom before he came along, I am extremely happy for her and her husband and will support her in any way I can. I have another good friend who really wants a baby too and can't wait until she's in a position to have one. I guess with all of these new children in and around my life, I really should word on getting more used to kids :)
Maybe I'm so mature and independent that I've forgotten what it's like to be a kid or how to be a kid for that matter. I don't know. But I do know that the more time I spend with them, the more I'm relaxing around them and am becoming less afraid.
None of us know what the future holds. While I don't foresee children in mine, I'm not going to say never. Too many strange things happen. But it will sure come as a mighty fucking shock to me if children do end up in my future. Maybe one day I'll look back on this blog and laugh my ass off at it. Or maybe I'll still be agreeing with it 10 years from now.
Either way, I am very happy and blessed to be an Aunt. I like this role and embrace it with an open heart. I just don't ever plan on embracing the role of "Mom" and I'm quite alright with that.
Good Night!
Sarah
Another flower from mom's garden!
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