I'm having a very "meh" time lately. No energy, no enthusiasm, no desire to do anything, which makes work a real pain in the ass. Not sure what the cause of it is either.
There are a few things that are very likely suspects. The days are getting shorter so there's less sun. I'm super freakin' busy at work so I haven't been taking breaks or getting outside and thus I'm stressed. There's been a lot of change around me lately. I start French classes again tomorrow. I've been alone a lot lately.
Anyone one of those could cause a "meh" but maybe it's several of them all working in cahoots.
Let me return to one of those suspects: I start French classes again tomorrow. Lord help me. It's a 13 week course. I've already taken it and survived one of these courses. It was a level 3-4 (beginner) course. The teacher said that one of my co-workers and I did well and we could move up higher than the next level so I have no freaking idea where they placed us. Problem is that I don't remember anything from the last damn course (partly due to a less than stellar teacher). I have to ask myself: What is the point?
I'm only employed until March 31st 2013. There's a very good chance that I won't get renewed because I'm not bilingual (there's several of us in that boat). What pisses me off is the fact that I've been doing this job for over a year now, as a unilingual, and if my performance evaluation is any indication, I'm doing it fucking well. So why do I suddenly have to speak French? I do not deal with the general public. All manager are bilingual (which I totally agree with as they have to be able to communicate with all staff) so I have no problem communicating with them. I dunno.
It's not that I don't want to learn French. I completely get the point of learning it and I know how valuable being bilingual would be. It's just that, well, I don't seem to be able to learn it. I haven't been this frustrated in school since Math class back in highschool. I've always been a smart cookie and learning comes easy to me...until you ask me to learn a new language. As of late, all I've managed to learn is how to insult people in Arabic (don't ask). I can memorize the French grammar rules until I'm blue in the face, but that's all it is. They're memorized. I don't understand them and nothing makes sense. I can never remember which order the words go in and the stupid verb changes between present and past tense. None of it makes sense. Oh and I could roll an "R" if my life depended upon it. And don't get me started on the fucking masculine vs feminine words. That's just bloody insane!!
And God forbid I try speaking french at work. On those rare days when I get up enough courage to try it... laughter is usually the end result. And it isn't me laughing. Yesterday I nearly brought 2 people to tears as I tied to pronounce the word "boeuf" (french for beef). When I'm not getting laughed at, they usually speak so fast that I can't catch any of it. And several of my french co-workers use slang, and then I'm totally lost.
The worst part? I love my job. It's the first job I've ever had that I honest to God like and enjoy. I love the people I work with. They're amazing. And even when I bitch about my job, I still want to get up the next morning and go back to work. I'm completely and totally letting myself down and the harder I try to prevent that from happening, the worse I do.
I really don't know what to do.
Good Night.
Sarah
Papillons - Butterflies
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